Q I have a serious running dilemma. I recently started running with another local mum on the school run. She was inspired by my dropping the kids off and going for a jog and asked if she could join me. It was quite nice to have her company for the first few times but now, to be honest, I really hate running with her. I don't want to run with anyone, for that matter.
She pushes into my personal space and rabbits on about stuff I’m not interested in so I do not get to enjoy any of the things I used to enjoy about running. The thing is I know she loves it and is completely dependent on me for going – as in, she would only go with me.
This is really awkward: how do I tell her to get lost without hurting her feelings? Anon
A Oh no! How frustrating for you. You do someone a good turn inspiring them into taking up running and they in turn inspire you out of it. Somewhere in there you are not getting the karmic benefits you so richly deserve for introducing someone to the Holy Grail of exercise.
For what it’s worth, I really don’t like running with other people. I do it sometimes, though, to encourage newbies to the sport, but am quick to worm my way out of it when I feel they can go solo.
I find running with another totally saps my mojo and energy. The experience exhausts me: physically, because I am running at someone else’s pace; and mentally, because they have invaded my headspace.
Over the years, I have come to value the peaceful solitude of an outdoor run above all else. Any intrusion into that solitude throws me completely and turns the run into something else. Something less. In my experience, runners fall into two camps: those who need a running buddy and those who can think of nothing worse. You, my dear, fall into my camp.
The first thing that you need to get clear is this: your pal continuing to run is not your responsibility. Totally dependent on you? I seriously doubt that. Stop making her your problem.
Once you’ve unburdened yourself of this nonsense, it’s time for some tough love: brutal honesty laced with a soupçon of white lie. That’s how I always play it.
You are going to see this mum twice every day at the school gates. She is going to spot you in your runners, so there is no easy way out of this.
Feigning injury, running at a different time, claiming you have to go shopping, or any other pretend excuse, will have you on edge all day and anxious about getting busted. And she will be far more upset by spotting you out running after being fed a bare-faced lie than she would be by the truth.
So, the gritty conversation I advise you have next time you see her might go something like this:
You: “Hon, I’ve got to tell you that all your fascinating conversation is making me run too slowly and I’m losing fitness.”
Her: “Oh no, I’m so sorry! I promise not to talk any more.”
You: "Well, it's not just that. Remember in Run, Fat B!tch, Run how Ruth tells you to do this ON YOUR OWN? Well, that's how I did it and I think you should too as it's the best way to establish your own pace and style. I bet you will love it as much as I do."
Her: “But I like running with you” *sad face*
You: “Me too, but I need to run on my own again to restore myself to sanity and to get important work done.”
Her: “Work? WTF?”
You: “Oh I spend my running time problem solving.”
Her: *scared face* “Ehhh, okay. I suppose that’s fair enough.”
You: “Oh, you know how much I like you as a friend and I am so proud of you for starting running but I just have to run by myself. Please don’t give up, though. Try it on your own first, and if you really can’t bear it, get Sheila [random alternative school gates mum who has expressed an interest in jogging] to join you instead. I know she is keen and you could train her up now you are able to run 5k without stopping.’
Her: *faux humble smile* “Yeah I suppose so. I’ll ask Sheila tomorrow. Thanks for getting me started.
“ I really appreciate you running with me, especially now I know you’ve been dying to get out by yourself.”
You: *martyr face* “My pleasure.”
The Grit Doctor says
Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your friend. Ish. And run free once more.
Ruth Field is author of Run, Fat B!tch, Run and Get Your Sh!t Together
