A bowel-churning run through Phoenix Park, fuelled by caffeinated gel

When my friends pitched an obstacle-filled ultramarathon in Andorra to me, I never expected training to include running around Phoenix Park, desperately trying to hold in a caffeine-induced poo.

I’m not a coffee drinker, so I probably should have heeded the advice of the woman in the running shop when she suggested I steer clear of the caffeinated carbohydrate gels. But in my naivety, I thought more energy equals better performance. It also equals increased bowel movements.

As I mentioned in my first column, I'll be attempting a Spartan Ultra, high in the Pyrenees this summer – 50km, 60 obstacles and a whole lot of hills, mud and burpees. And yes, it's going to be ludicrous.

On top of all the running, the obstacles require a demanding amount of upper-body strength, which is still very much a work in progress. Picture tricky monkey bars, high walls to surmount and heavy logs to carry. So on top of weekend runs with my two fellow racemates, I’ve been immersing myself into this alien culture of gains, bulking and getting ripped (again, still working on that bit) in an effort to infiltrate and become a card-carrying Gym Rat.

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Since writing my last column, thankfully I’ve fully recovered from Covid after about five weeks of fitness difficulties. Despite some minor knee difficulties recently (I’m very much keeping an eye on this), I’m the fittest I’ve ever been.

In Andorra, I’ll need food and energy throughout, so I’ve been dipping my toes into the often-intimidating parallel universe of protein bars, shakes, gels and energy gummies.

I’ve never particularly liked protein bars, but my God do they pack a punch. I shopped around on a quest to find the perfect protein bar for the race. Fuflfil’s white chocolate and cookie dough was a hefty little thing, but the off-sweet aftertaste lingered for a little too long. Lenny and Larry’s protein cookie looked fantastic, but even after a brief spin in the microwave, the melted chocolate couldn’t take away the bland flavour. I recommend trying the Mars Hi-Protein bar at least once, just for the wow factor. One of these little things filled my entire lunch and was so dense I almost felt its gravitational pull. One in particular stood out. Cliff’s white chocolate and macadamia nut bar was tasty, plant-based and didn’t make me want to go into a food coma afterwards.

A staple of any gym goer is a whey protein shake, and no Spartan odyssey would be possible without it. Hesitantly, I picked up a big drum from a local store. The warm-smiling man in the shop recommended chocolate cookies and cream flavour. How bad can this be? Never in my life have I swallowed something thicker than this gloopy mixture. For functional reasons I recommend it for building up muscle, but it’s really not pleasant to swallow.

Energy boosts

The race won’t just require a strong breakfast beforehand, but extra energy boosts throughout. I mentioned I’ve tried some carbohydrate gels and suffice to say I’ll be sticking with the non-caffeinated ones for fear of a frantic mountainside poo on the day. Also of some use are energy gummies, which as well as tasting like classics such as Wine Gums or Fruit Pastilles, can provide that much-needed extra bump in energy.

Once I start that intense frown/pout when I'm lifting, I know I'm well on my way to obtaining that superhero Dorito-shaped figure that all Spartans aspire to have

So now that I have my Gym Rat essentials, I’m ready to stride into this uncharted lifestyle and become one of “the lads”. If you’re like me and most other gym goers are lifting more than you, the key is all in the facial expressions to fit in. Once I start that intense frown/pout when I’m lifting, I know I’m well on my way to obtaining that superhero Dorito-shaped figure that all Spartans aspire to have. Captain America watch out, you’ll have Captain Dundalk to contend with soon…

Whether I finish the race on the day or not, at least I know I’ve improved my physical and mental health considerably. I recommend picking an exercise goal just to have an excuse to improve your health – perhaps a more sensible one than this!

But now that my façade has gotten me this far, I need to start ramping up my training and practising more mountainous running. A recent run up from Howth Dart station to the first peak on the peninsula was a tough but necessary wake-up call. If I can’t complete something like that with ease, how can I ever attempt the Spartan Ultra?

That’s why next week I’ll be running up the 850m (2,790 ft) high Slieve Donard with one of my fellow racemates. The highest mountain in Northern Ireland should be tall enough for our Pyrenees prep. Let’s just hope the weather is in our favour, these recent gains will make a difference and I don’t find myself perched off its edge taking a particularly breezy poo.

Stay tuned…