‘After years of dating, I still can’t get a second date’

Dear Roe,

I am a happy, healthy and relatively successful professional 30-something gay male. There is one thing missing in my life – a relationship. I have no issue finding dates or going on them, in fact, I would find myself going on one every four-six weeks. My problem is that I never seem to be able to secure a second date. This has been the case for nearly six years of dating. It's becoming a little embarrassing that people do not want to meet me again after the first date.

I have asked friends if they can think of anything that could be putting people off, and really tried to dig deep in myself, but nothing is springing to mind. I know I shouldn't take it personally but it's hard not to when the situation has continued for such a long time. I always make sure to be presentable and put my best foot forward on dates but it doesn't seem to be working.

I’m sorry that dating hasn’t been going the way you had hoped. Dating is an exercise of such hope and vulnerability and bravery, and it’s important to hold on to those qualities in yourself, even through these disappointments. Sadly, I can’t magically divine what the issue is here, but there are two main possibilities: the way you’re meeting people isn’t working, or there’s a recurring disconnect on your dates.

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I wonder how you’re meeting people, and whether changing that routine may be necessary. If, for example, you’re using dating or hook-up apps, are you representing yourself honestly? Are your pictures up to date and are you clear that you want to date and have a relationship, so that you’re meeting only those people who are open to that? Do you spend time chatting to people before meeting them, whether via texting, or having an initial phone call or Zoom?

Going on so many dates could be a sign that you’re rushing through the initial connection stage, which is where you can gauge basic compatibility and chemistry. This could save you time in the long run. Also, try expanding your social circle and activities so you get the opportunity to meet more people in person, and see if chemistry blooms more naturally.

As for the dates themselves, you say you “put your best foot forward”, but there’s a difference between bringing your best self and putting pressure on yourself to perform. After so many dates, I would understand feeling anxious or even jaded, but remember that dating isn’t about an end goal of getting a second date. It’s about meeting someone new, and staying present with what you want and how you’re feeling.

Are you putting pressure on these dates which is coming across as nerves, inauthenticity, negativity, or a rush towards sex or a relationship? Some mindfulness and self-esteem building may help you stay present and just enjoy each date individually and, importantly, gauge whether you are enjoying yourself. Good luck!

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford

If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe