Dear Roe,
I’m a 31-year-old woman and I’m in a situation that I thought I’d grown out of since my 20s, but here we are. I’ve been seeing a man for six months. He’s 38 and divorced, and we met on a dating site. After nearly a month of great dates, we had a conversation about where we “saw this going” and he said that he was still confused about what he was looking for after his divorce, and didn’t want to commit to a relationship.
I said fine, as I enjoy his company and was happy to keep seeing him as he figured out what we wanted from us. However, it’s now five months later and I have no idea what we’re doing. We spend a couple of nights a week together and we have a great time, and I know he cares about me and enjoys my company. (And the sex is great). But whenever the topic of “us” comes up, he claims to still be confused and not ready for any commitment, and we tend to cool off for a week.
But then we message each other saying we miss each other, meet up, and the pattern starts all over again. But he still won’t meet my friends, introduce me to his, or come to any upcoming Christmas parties with me. I’m trying to be respectful of his emotions as I know getting over an eight-year marriage is a long process. But I feel like six months in, he should have at least an idea of what he wants? What’s the line between respecting someone who is getting over a marriage and asking them to be clear?
Leave him.
This isn’t the man for you, nor the relationship for you – in any sense of the word. Even though you enjoy his company. Even though you “know” he cares. Even though the sex is good. Those things are great, but they’re not enough for you. If they were, you’d be happy, and you’re not happy. You’re waiting.
You’re waiting for this man to choose you, even after you’ve chosen him. You’re waiting for this man to choose you, even when you’re spending time together. And you’re waiting for this man to choose you, even when you’re in his bed. And that’s a power dynamic that will never make you happy, and will never change, because he has no reason to change it.
Right now, he’s getting everything he wants, and giving you nothing that you need. He gets attention, emotional support, the company of a great woman, and great sex. But whenever you ask for anything – reassurance, commitment, company at social events, he punishes you by retreating and “cooling off”.
He’s not confused. He is very clear on the fact that he is only interested in you if you don’t express any emotions or needs. And by constantly returning to him, by being considerate about his emotional state when he never considers yours, by constantly prioritising his comfort and happiness and ignoring your own gnawing sadness, you’re letting him know that he never has to do the work, never has to treat you better, never has to become less “confused”.
And yes, I treat his self-description of “confused” with suspicion. People need and are allowed time to recover from the end of a relationship. They’re allowed to take time to themselves, to engage in some mutual no-strings attached fun with another person if they like. But being confused is not a licence to use people or get involved in an emotional relationship while pretending it’s not an emotional relationship. Being confused isn’t an excuse to ignore that your lack of commitment is hurting another person. Being confused doesn’t mean looking at strings and pretending they don’t exist.
Excuse
This is what he’s doing. He’s using “confusion” as an excuse. His “confusion” only pop ups when he is asked to accommodate your needs or emotions. That’s not confusion. That’s a refusal, loud and clear.
You need to leave, and not in the hope that he’ll realise his mistake and come crawling back. You need to leave because you need to respect who you are and what you want. You’re a person who wants affection, and emotional honesty, an equal partnership, and a relationship that includes very normal things like a shared social life. That’s okay! You’re not asking for too much, so stop internalising his messages that you are. Stop pretending you’re someone you’re not, stop pretending you need less than you do, stop trying to be the low-maintenance cool girl whose value is determined by making men’s lives as easy as possible.
And ask yourself why you felt the need to do so in the first place; why you engaged with this type of one-sided dynamic – behaviour you apparently accepted in your 20s, too. Are you more comfortable being ignored than appreciated, more comfortable fulfilling others’ needs than asserting your own, more comfortable loving than being loved back? Why?
Leave him and try dating someone nice. Someone “too nice”. Someone whose earnest interest in you is initially unnerving, because you’ve become so used to being overlooked, even as someone is looking right at you. You don’t have to stay with someone just because they’re nice, but learn how to accept that kindness. Learn to accept the attention. Learn to accept that your needs matter. Learn to accept yourself. And learn to demand that others do, too.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford.
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
