Marian Keyes’s letter to her hair: ‘You’ve a wiry nature that makes you tricky’

Dear Hair,

This is not an easy letter to write, but it’s from the heart, so please hear me out.

Well. I should start by saying that we’ve been through a lot together. Our childhood days weren’t exactly happy. You couldn’t make your mind up to be straight or curly, so you perched on my head, looking like an uneasy wig. Thanks to you, my nickname in national school was “Buffalo”.

You’ve a wiry, intractable nature that makes you tricky to deal with. Also you give up so easily – at the first drop of rain or a hint of humidity, you start frizzing out all over the gaff.

‘If it talks like a feminist and supports women like a feminist, then it’s a feminist’

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Late Kate Spade one of most celebrated designers of her era

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Designer Kate Spade found dead in her New York apartment

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But look, I've hurt you too. That time, aged 13, after I read in Jackie that rinsing with beer would make you shine, I stole a bottle of Daddy Keyes's Smithwick's and condemned you to smelling like a pub carpet for a week. Sorry about that.

Apologies are also in order for when we were 18 or 19 and I decided to bleach you blond and instead transformed you into a green Brillo pad.

I’ve burned you with too-hot hairdryers, I’ve tormented you with straightening irons, I’ve overcoloured you and I’ve expected so much from you.

The truth is I depend on you. If you’re not in good form, I can’t enjoy myself. And you need me, too. At this stage in the game, Hair, I guess we’re stuck with each other.

But I have to say, you're looking very happy with your present – the Living Proof No Frizz shampoo, conditioner, nourishing styling cream and weightless spray. Yes, the brand is new to me, too – apparently it was created by a collaboration of stylists and scientists. It has no sulphates, no parabens – even no silicone. Remember when we thought silicone was the second coming? But now we know it weighs hair down and turns it into a dirt magnet.

Instead of silicone, this brand has something they call “a healthy hair molecule”, which creates “an exquisitely thin, weightless, invisible shield” around each hair strand.

We’ve been bamboozled by jargon and bedazzled by similar lavish promises in the past, but both of us are genuinely delighted with the results: you’re looking thick yet sleek, full of personality yet pleasingly compliant. And shiny. There’s a twinkle in your strands that I haven’t seen for a while.

From now on, I promise to take better care of you. Living Proof has other ranges – Thickening, Curling, Restoring. I was thinking we might try the Restore stuff next.

Thank you for all your hard work,

Marian