As a HR expert and coach, Maura Hurley is the go-to woman for many companies trying to cultivate a healthy workplace culture.
But Maura openly admits one reason she is so good at dishing out advice on how to fix toxic workplaces is her ability to transport herself back more than 20 years to when she endured her own office nightmare.
As an ambitious young graduate in her 20s, she landed her dream HR job – but soon found herself losing sleep and making herself ill as she struggled to deal with a toxic co-worker.
“A lady who I worked with who was older than me, I felt like she was critical of my work, trying to find fault, undermining what I was doing,” recalls Maura, who graduated with a media and communications degree from the University of Limerick (UL) before returning to study for a degree in human resource management at night, while also juggling a full-time HR job.
READ MORE
“I was doing well, but for some reason, I got the sense she didn’t like me. She had a style that maybe grated on people, but I felt it was often directed at me. I felt disrespected. She was moody. There was stress and unpredictability. But I let it go on and on, and the pressure of it just built up and up in me to the point where I was like, ‘what am I going to do’? I was exhausted. I felt it was affecting my health.’
Maura suffered in silence for years.
“I also come from the generation of ‘put up and shut up’; the more you can handle, the greater you are, and that kept me from voicing it. I thought showing strength was being able to endure it.”
But now, more than two decades later, she reflects on the breakthrough that transformed how she broaches relationships at work and led her to set up a successful business teaching managers how to get the best out of their staff. “I spoke to a coach who told me, ‘you really have no alternative but to stand up for yourself’. I asked to speak to the lady and referenced a conversation we’d had just a couple of days before. I said: ‘I felt your tone was rude and I felt disrespected when you said X, Y and Z. I know you probably didn’t mean it, but I just want you to know that it did affect me and I was upset by it.’ She said: ‘Oh, right, I’m sorry about that. Well, I didn’t know – that’s fine.’ There was never another problem.”
She continues: “I learned through that experience and others, that showing strength is being able to voice your truth, and the importance of doing that with fairness, kindness and co-operation. Graduates tend to be aware of their rights generally, but where they have areas to develop are in the skills to communicate it effectively.”
Graduates struggling to manage a tricky co-worker or boss may feel alone and isolated. Still, Maura insists: “It’s always been a recurring thing, but now it’s more than ever because we have four generations in the workforce, and there’s intergenerational conflict.
“Where you have somebody of our generation who doesn’t have a high level of self-awareness, they’re expecting the same from a generation who possibly over-corrected it in another way. Now the number one value is justice. We didn’t have that. So there’s this real breakdown between the generations.”
So how do you tackle a toxic co-worker – or worse again, a contrary boss?
Maura advises: “Every company, whether you have two employees or 1000, has to have a grievance procedure and what used to be called bullying and harassment policies and procedures, are now called a respect at work, or dignity at work policy. Those policies should be there to support you in dealing with this. If they’re not there, you’ve every right to ask your employer for them.
“These are very specific and come from a code of practice written by the Health and Safety Authority (HAS) and the Workplace Relations Commission (WRC). There’s a checklist. It tells you what bullying is, so people may look at that and see, ‘yeah, I am justified in feeling this way’.”
Qualified but non-practising solicitor Laura McKee, Knowledge Partner with workplace compliance company, Legal Island, agrees with Maura, saying: ‘Brené Brown talks about how being clear is being kind, although I appreciate it can be overwhelming when you’ve no other work experience.
“It’s important to know your rights, go to your employee handbook and sit down and read it,” she recommends. “First, try to distinguish if it’s a work style or personality trait you are clashing with. If the person is critical in how they’re giving feedback, that may be unpleasant, but it’s not unlawful. In terms of the dignity at work policy, codes of practices have been drafted, and while they’re not legally binding, they’re legally admissible before the WRC.
“They’re very prescriptive and have a definition of bullying, which is repeated inappropriate behaviour, not a once-off incident, so humiliation, intimidation, excluding, spreading rumours and anything that undermines your dignity or has the effect to demean, humiliate or intimidate a person in your course of employment.
“Even if it’s not bullying but it’s inappropriate behaviour, the company should still address that, and are obliged to create a psychologically-safe work space, where everyone is free to be themselves, to speak up, ask questions and make mistakes – that’s something employers are aware of and are aspiring to.”
Maura also urges graduates to ask if there is an employee assistance programme in place. Often, these include a free course of confidential counselling sessions where employees can get advice on issues such as how to deal with challenging colleagues.
If you believe you have a genuine gripe, be brave. “The most effective way is to talk informally with the person,” says Maura. “One of the key things for success is your language. Start the sentence with, ‘I feel this when …' and give specific examples of behaviours or whatever it is that makes you feel that way. Say, ‘I feel this because of X, Y and Z’. Nobody can tell you how you feel. You’re owning the feeling of it.”
Crucially, avoid accusatory, confrontational language, as this can lead to more conflict. “The key is to give specific examples. Often, that does the trick. You’d be amazed by how much that diffuses conflict. Most people don’t drive into work saying, ‘I’m going to bully that graduate’. They do it because they’re not aware of how they’re coming across or what their communication style is, etc.”
“It’s good to talk things through,” agrees Laura. “But I appreciate it can be a difficult thing to do, especially if it’s your boss, and it depends on the culture, but addressing the issue directly can often work, if it’s safe to do so.”
Laura also suggests logging issues can help. “Depending on how serious it is or if it’s going to escalate, jot down time and dates of concerning behaviour, as if you do end up going down a more formal process, it’s very helpful to have that record.”
Maura’s tips on how to start the conversation include: “Choose your time, prepare yourself, have your specific examples, and have the conversation. That so often will get you the results you’re looking for.”
And while both Laura and Maura agree that confiding in a trusted colleague or mentor can be helpful, “bitching” may backfire. “This can escalate without the person being aware of the issue,” says Maura. “Yes, confide in one or two close people you trust to get support, but go to the person.”
But what if colleagues deny they did anything wrong or refuse to change their behaviour? “Stick to the facts and be very solid in your examples,” says Maura. ”Go to the policies and go through the channels explained. Go to the manager, your own or the manager senior to that person and they’ll advise you from there what your choices are. Each policy should have a designated contact person who you can go to to discuss your options. That contact is key.
“A lot of policies will say we want you to do mediation first, to see if we can resolve it. Again, put an emphasis on resolving it informally. You won’t be railroaded into a serious investigation. You do have the option to have the issue addressed formally. If it’s an investigation that is warranted, companies have to be set up and trained to follow that process. It’s illegal for them to discriminate or victimise anybody who has made a complaint in good faith.”
Laura explains: “If you think it’s bullying or harassment and have gone down the informal route, you can lean on your HR department and go down the formal complaints’ procedure. That’s when things get a lot more serious. That’s a step-by-step procedure set out in the company policy where you make a complaint in writing, there may be a formal investigation, you have the right to fair procedure; to be heard, to respond, to have representation. There will be a written report and an outcome.
“Look after yourself, you don’t want to reach burnout but if there is a toxic culture that doesn’t seem to work for you, you may ask yourself, ‘is this the right place for me’? But that is a purely personal decision.”
Maura warns against burying your head in the sand or trying to endure bad behaviour like she did.
Instead, see it as an opportunity to grow your interpersonal skills. “Dealing with it gives you huge growth opportunities as you’re going to deal with this again,” she says. “Careers are long, people are different, personalities are complex and chances are you’ll bump into someone else. The only way to gain a skill is by practising it. Everyone has to assess it themselves, but there is a great opportunity here to start gaining those interpersonal skills. It took me a while to get that growth opportunity, but I absolutely got it and it’s really helped me.
“I didn’t understand that when I was in my 20s. It is quite simple, but it takes courage to do that when you’re so young. I should have just put my hand up very early on.“
Two books Maura recommends for graduates starting out in the working world are: Mindset by Dr Carol S Dweck and The Rules of People by Richard Templar
Do:
- Keep a record of what’s happening for yourself;
- Seek support by talking to an objective person about the problem;
- Find out what company support is available eg, dignity/respect at work policy, grievance policy, employee assistance programme;
- Seek to resolve the matter informally first;
- Plan how you are going to communicate your problem using specific examples;
- Be mindful of intergenerational differences as part of the issue;
- Use the challenge as an opportunity to develop a new set of skills and understanding.
Don’t:
- Gossip/vent with colleagues about the person;
- Don’t let it fester, bury your head in the sand or avoid the situation by calling in sick;
- Believe tolerance is strength, the key strength is speaking your truth in a non-confrontational style;
- Assume the person has a personal vendetta against you, it may just be a lack of self-awareness;
- Be hasty, resign and go straight to It tells you what bullying is, so people may look at that and see, ‘yeah, I am justified in feeling this way’, without trying to resolve it through official channels;
- Allow a parent to intervene on your behalf.
