Dear Roe,
Recently, a man who meant a lot to me a long time ago got back in touch. We have known each other for almost 40 years and had a brief romance in our early 20s which did not develop. We were both young and not sure of what we wanted out of life, but the intense connection and feelings were there. Mutual friends often commented that we were made for each other. I would have liked to have “given things a shot” and have a long-term relationship with him, but that never happened. We went our separate ways amicably and stayed in touch infrequently over the years. We have both been married to other people for many years and I have been lucky enough to have a wonderful husband. His marriage seems good, from what I can tell. Now we are back in touch, old feelings are resurfacing and it seems to me that he feels the same. I am unclear why he has reached out after all this time but I am enjoying the fact that he is back in my life. Sometimes I sense regret – like we both think we missed an opportunity of a great life together. I think the older versions of ourselves see clearly what could have been. While I love my husband, I am now finding the strong feelings for this man are back and am both worried and excited as to where this might lead. Even though I have not done anything that one would call cheating, I feel unfaithful. My husband does not know anything about this man, although I think he senses a difference in me recently. I doubt his wife knows about his contact with me either. So the question is, do I stay in touch with him as friends and try to deal with my feelings, or would it be better to have no contact at all? We are both of an age where, if either or both of us were widowed in the coming years, I know we would want to have the other person in our life for support, so I don’t want to cut all ties. It’s just the complication of it all right now may damage my otherwise happy marriage. Should I seek clarity as to why he came back into my life before making any decisions. Have you any advice?
Here’s my advice: don’t prioritise fantasy over reality.
You never had a serious relationship with this man, so you never got to see what he was like in that context – would he turn up emotionally; could he maintain curiosity about you through the endless busy nothings of everyday life; could he find monogamy and one person beautiful and exciting, not just thrilling because they were new or unattainable? Would he do the work of maintaining a long-term relationship, share the emotional labour, be an equal partner who took responsibility for his role in the connection? Could he support you through the hard seasons – not just the heady ones?
I ended my situationship six months ago but I’m still not over him. How do I move on?
Where can my wife and I access porn that is both legal and erotic?
I think I’m in love with my ‘situationship’ but he doesn’t feel the same
‘My brother-in-law wants to move in with us but I don’t think my marriage will survive it’
Or was he, even then, a 20-something who had intense feelings for things that were shiny and adoring and fleeting, for which he didn’t have to commit or fail or show up in any real way, or reveal the tender, stumbling parts of himself underneath all the poetic allure and late-night chats?
You never got to find that out because you never had a real adult relationship with him. Although now, if you pay attention, you’ll see that you are getting a glimpse of what he’s like in a real adult relationship – his marriage. And what is he doing in it? Reaching out to an old flame from his 20s. Layering in vague, wistful notes of regret. Lying to his wife about who he’s spending time with. Stirring up old feelings without naming them or taking responsibility for what they’re doing to either of you. That tells you something too.
I don’t doubt there was a connection. And I don’t doubt it still feels real. But connection isn’t the same thing as commitment, or compatibility, or character. I suspect there’s a reason he reached out to you now. He’s likely bored, disillusioned by the ordinary demands of marriage – the showing up, the being seen clearly by someone who knows his flaws, the daily compromises – and so he turns to someone who still sees him through the lens of youthful potential. Someone for whom he doesn’t have to do any of the work. Back then, alas, he was too young! Now, alas, he is too married! The story repeats. The fantasy lives on.
And that fantasy is safe – for him. He gets to be the man you might have loved, not the man he would have had to become to truly love you back.
He probably isn’t a bad man. But he does sound like someone who is emotionally stunted and prone to self-mythologising. Someone who finds it easier to build castles in the clouds than relationships on the ground. That’s not just sad – it can be dangerous. That kind of energy is what turns a struggling spouse into someone who cheats while blaming their partner for “not seeing me” or “being too domesticated” or “killing the spark” – without ever asking themselves what they did to nurture it.
You are allowed to want more. You are allowed to feel conflicted. But you are also allowed to protect the real love you’ve built
And then there’s you, and your longing and uncertainty. And I want to say this gently, but firmly: this man is not the solution to the ache you’re feeling in your life. You don’t need to torch your life or your marriage to respond to what he’s stirred up. But you do need to be honest with yourself about what those feelings are telling you. Do you feel seen? Desired? Do you miss feeling interesting, sexy, spontaneous? How can you bring those feelings into your own life, without outsourcing them to a man who can’t even tell you what he wants from you now? Can you take a class, go on an adventure, shake up the routine? Can you try to re-engage with your husband, not as a default presence but as a human you might get curious about again? And yes, maybe that means couples counselling, maybe that means more dates, or simply finding the courage to speak out loud the things you haven’t been saying.
As for this man – no, I don’t think staying in regular contact with him is good for you, or fair to your husband, or honest. If you were widowed one day and wanted to find each other again, you would. But right now? Right now, he is a live wire hanging between fantasy and reality, and he will short-circuit your life if you let him.
You are allowed to want more. You are allowed to feel conflicted. But you are also allowed to protect the real love you’ve built from the pull of something that may never have existed outside your imagination. And that, I think, is your work now. Not choosing between two men – but choosing to live a life that feels fully yours, one that honours what you’ve built and what you still long for, with clarity and integrity.
Keep your eyes open, your heart honest, and your feet firmly on the ground. That’s where real love lives.
