Question
This is going to sound funny, but the fallout from this has been anything but.
Some years ago, I was at a work function with my then partner (we since married). The workplace had provided a “psychic tent” as part of the event and my partner consulted the person inside. She was told that I would cheat on her with one of her close friends and that we would split up. It was funny at the time, with everyone slagging me off about my attraction to her friends and arguing about which one I would get off with, but really there was disapproval even then, as if I had actually done something.
This has cropped up many, many times in the intervening years, with the assumption that I’m going to have an affair and that we will break up, growing stronger all the time. I find that my phone is being checked and I know she is talking to her friends about her worries.
This is bonkers – that my reputation and relationship is at serious risk for what some crazy person, claiming to be psychic, has said years ago. There have even been long periods where I have to sleep in the spare room as I can’t be trusted enough to find her attractive.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
My fear is that this will become a reality as I am being driven out of the relationship and constantly asked to prove my devotion – I almost can’t stand it.
Answer
There are many people reading this who know what it is like to be the victim of innuendo, rumour and gossip and they will also know the damage it can do. At the core of all relationships (and friendships) is a vulnerability – that you let someone into your core, and you trust them to treat you well and to protect you from the slights of the world.
We have lots of evidence of where this does not work and the devastation that ensues from separations and friendship break-ups, so we are inevitably on some level of alert that it might happen to us. It seems that your wife is, and has been, on high alert to the possibility of you choosing someone else over her for a long time and this suspicion has grown into something solid over the years. You have obviously tried reassuring her, but this has not proven enough to allay her fears so it might be time to suggest couple and/or individual counselling.
Insecurity is something that we need to face within ourselves, as another person is unlikely to solve our self-doubt through their actions. Ideally, we develop a capacity to trust our intelligence and judgment so that we are not basing our responses on fantasy, imagination or fears. However, sometimes our past experiences play a huge part in our need to protect ourselves from imagined abandonment – if we felt unsafe as children or if we have been unexpectedly dropped from relationships or friendship groups in the past. Often, a response that worked to protect us (trying not to need anyone) can turn into a habit and become a block to future closeness or dependence.
Tell her you are going to seek professional help and that you are going to do this even if she won’t come initially
Working on self-awareness and on challenging protective habits is very useful in uncovering what our real issues are, and having the courage to seek professional support is in itself confidence-building. You made a lifelong commitment to your partner and now is the time to put yourself behind this pledge. Tell her you are going to seek professional help and that you are going to do this even if she won’t come initially. Tell her that this is for both of you and that you want help to figure out how you might be contributing to the situation and that you are open to all avenues of action. Hopefully, this will allow her to feel safe enough to join you in exploration of your relationship.
What you know doesn’t work is letting doubts simmer and trying to prove your innocence. What your story highlights is the effect of untrue stories or rumour getting lots of airplay; the harm can be very real and devastating. The least we can do is not add to it by sharing, speaking or amplifying the rumour in any way. This can require self-discipline as it is very tempting to enjoy someone else’s misfortune or to see them squirming. Self-discipline means following (or being a disciple of) your aim. The aim could be to speak only the best of others, or if possible, only what you know to be true.
Even bringing up this issue with friend groups might help to generate discussion and challenge and at very least it should make for interesting conversation.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
