Question
I am a woman in my mid 60s and have been volunteering for some time with a historical site. I have loved it and found like-minded people to mix with, and it has been a delight.
However, now there is a man, who also volunteers with the group, and he seems to be interested in me. He is in his late 60s and his wife died about eight years ago. He has a wild eye and, from what I can see, he has always been dating someone in our group. He invited me into a WhatsApp conversation, and I must say it’s been flirtatious and fun, but what if he expects more? Honestly, the body preparation involved for women at my age to consider actual sex with someone is more than beyond the effort I am prepared to make. The trimming of pubic hair and exposure of my parts to another human being is quite simply impossible.
However, I’m liking being found attractive and it’s entertaining to put on nice clothes and for someone to notice and comment. He is also cute in a way, but I know better than to think that I am the love of his life.
Weirdly, this is really occupying my thoughts and I’m less contented, but more excited, than I have been for quite some time.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
Really, you are not at the stage of having a problem yet. You are enjoying the flirtation and attention and so far there is no decision to be made. It is a lovely thing to find that you are attracted to and desired by another human being, and this is a delight that is worth savouring.
You seem to be very clear that you are not exposing yourself to any physical intimacy, and so all that might need to happen at this stage is that, at an appropriate time, you voice that and make sure that you are heard. However, it might be that this particular no-go area is one that needs another look and may be worth reflecting on. Many women in their later life report that they are looking for companionship and not sexual intimacy, and this is a legitimate ask. Equally so, many more report excellent sexual satisfaction and there is no reason that this must be off the cards for you.
With age, there is some hope that the body scrutiny of younger ages might fade to be replaced with a sense of the body’s right to pleasure without criticism. Indeed, many simple pleasures can be had without intercourse and, if there is enough safety and comfort, some long lingering physical engagement can be wonderful. Think of the heavy petting of the pre-contraception days and how good it was to delay gratification – yes, there was plenty of frustration too, but sex was less performance-based and wooing could go on for weeks, if not months.
Your concern that your body will not be up to scratch is something that you could address
This man too might also be experiencing some sexual difficulties (perhaps this is why he is going through so many other dates) and this would be within the normal scope of the body slowing down. With the help of medication this can in many cases be addressed, but some men might find it counter to their health (if they have certain conditions) to take these medications and so struggle with intimacy also.
In any case, for those in later life seeking relationships and intimacy, it probably involves some honesty, some light-heartedness and a gung-ho attitude. As long as you remain clear-headed, you should be able to enjoy your current flirtation and perhaps move it into something a little more pleasurable. When and if it starts to become heavy or demanding, then you can push the pause button and explain why you need to take a break. At this age, you should not need to take on someone else’s emotions and in fact you can trust that they have managed life well enough not to need you to carry their needs or worries for them.
This will free you up to take pleasure where you find it and, hopefully, wallow in it a little. Your concern that your body will not be up to scratch is something that you could address. Comparing it with younger or more nubile bodies is unfair and will close it down to pleasure. Buffing and dehairing it may also further your self-consciousness so consider doing nothing at all and instead focus on what your body enjoys and likes. This is something that may require time, investigation and even a partner in order to arrive at success.
You seem poised at discovering that your body continues to express desire and, whether you decide to give this man a chance to awaken it or not, it might be fun to open up and expand your horizons.
You might enjoy reading A Round-heeled Woman by Jane Juska about late-life adventures in sex and romance.
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