Dear Roe,
I am a 32-year-old woman and have been dating a man for six years. I have felt uncertain for quite some time about the relationship and whether I see a future with this man. I would like to get married and have children but I’m unsure if this should be with him. I have been seeing an excellent therapist but I’m unsure whether couples counselling would be beneficial for the relationship. I broke up with him six months ago because I did not feel happy or fulfilled, despite him being a wonderful person. We had been living together for two years at this stage, and he was devastated. It wasn’t anything in particular that ended the relationship and so it was extremely difficult to walk away. We have rekindled the relationship in the past few months, which has been lovely as both of us found it very hard and lonely apart. He is dying to move back in together, but I am cautious about re-entering into something I felt unsure about for so long. I am wondering what will change if I do give it my all. I am stuck in a cycle of uncertainty and have been for years. Will I feel like this no matter who I am with, or is it because I am with the wrong person? Why do I feel doubt when he is such a good person? When we broke up I doubted what was causing my unhappiness with him. Did I not give it my best? Or am I trying to convince myself I can be happy in this relationship because I would rather that than be on my own?
You’re not lost. You’re just waiting. And it’s time to stop waiting.
You keep asking if this is the right relationship, the right person, the right path, and that is a fair and necessary question. But you are waiting for clarity, and clarity isn’t magically delivered from powers on high. Clarity is often what we earn after we act, not before. You won’t get it by standing still. You get it by trying, committing, adjusting and learning through movement.
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You said you didn’t feel fulfilled in the relationship. Why? Be specific. What did you need that you weren’t getting? Until you name that, you’ll keep hoping someone else will solve it for you – and they won’t. Fulfilment isn’t something someone gives you. It is a home you build inside your own life. Sure, people can add to it – they can bring you beautiful plants for your garden, art for the walls, a chandelier that makes your world sparkle. But you can’t sit passively on an empty plot waiting for someone to simply bring you a blueprint for your fulfilment and to construct your life for you. You have to dig into the dirt and start to build. Even if you don’t have a complete plan yet, start building, and when you realise something about your structure isn’t working, you might have to deconstruct bits and start again – but the work is going to give you information and skills and a direction that you will never get from simply standing on the plot.
The work is your life, and it’s time to start digging in.
You separated from your partner for six months. What did you do during this time? Did you commit to your singledom and reconnect with friends, new people, yourself? Did you find anything that brought you joy, purpose, aliveness? Or did you simply float in loneliness until you snapped back to what was familiar? And why did you return to him? You say that you both found it hard and lonely being apart. That’s what happens when you break up with a long-term partner. Leaving a long-term relationship is about taking stock of who you are now and starting to explore life on your own, as you are. It’s lonely and uncomfortable and scary, like all opportunities for growth are.
When you returned to your partner, what was different? What conversations did you have about what changes you both needed to make so that you could feel more comfortable and certain that this relationship was leading you towards your future? Because if you only returned to avoid loneliness, then the underlying reason for your lack of fulfilment doesn’t lie with your partner – it lies with your lack of agency in your life, and your inability to stick with the discomfort necessary for growth.
You say you want marriage and children. Why? What do they represent for you? Love? Belonging? Purpose? What’s underneath the desire? And what are you afraid of? Are you afraid your partner won’t step up, or are you just afraid of committing to something, still feeling unfulfilled, and having to take responsibility for your choices?
Pretend you are single today. No expectations, no ties. What kind of life would you build? What kind of partnership would support that life? Does your current relationship help to create that, or are you trying to shrink your dreams to fit it? Or is the problem that you’re so deeply uncomfortable with owning your desires that you can’t envision anything you want, and you’re not willing to embrace the discomfort of discovery?
[ ‘I caught my husband masturbating with a male friend but he says it’s nothing’Opens in new window ]
And yes, he can be a wonderful, kind, loving person and this relationship still might not be right for you. That’s okay. That’s not an indictment of him or you, that’s just an incompatibility of needs. But you’re not just unsure about him – you’re unsure about yourself. And you’re projecting that uncertainty on to him, expecting him to provide a sense of purpose and direction. He can’t do that. No one can. Even the right partner can’t give you your own foundation. They can walk beside you, but you have to do the building.
You need to commit to something fully, not because you are certain now, but because certainty will only come by trying properly and seeing how it feels. If you want to try again with this man, really try. Not because you’re scared, not because it’s easier, but because you choose it, eyes wide open. Go to couples therapy, not to be convinced, but to grow – to explore what a fulfilling life together might look like. Try new things together and date like you’re two people meeting each other for the first time – because you are, in this iteration of your life. You’re no longer adhering to old scripts and old roles, you’re writing new ones. Stay in individual therapy so you learn how to take responsibility for rewriting your own story, too.
And if you decide to leave, really leave. Fully commit to life without this relationship. Grieve it, mourn it, feel the pain of living without it. Seek out new experiences that challenge you, that allow you to explore new parts of yourself. Date casually for the fun, for new experiences, but do not get into any serious relationships. Don’t hand your life over to someone else again before you know how to hold it yourself.
[ ‘I’m deeply unhappy but I think leaving my husband will destroy him’Opens in new window ]
Whatever you do, choose it and commit fully. Inaction is a choice, and it’s one you’ve been choosing for too long. It hasn’t brought you happiness, empowerment or fulfilment. So choose something else. Even if it’s messy. Even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if you’re not sure. Clarity doesn’t arrive delivered to your door. It’s built, piece by piece, by women like you who are brave enough to move – even when they’re still trembling.
