It is often said that “no” is a complete sentence. While I recognise the validity of this sentiment, I, like many others, have found myself stuck between wanting to say “no” and finding it uncomfortable or difficult to follow through and take myself out of the equation.
Most of us have often been caught out by formal and informal requests from friends, colleagues and relatives when we are already stretched thin or have other ideas of how our time could be used. We say yes even though we may not have the time or energy. Over time, as those yesses rack up, we are exhausted, overwhelmed and stuck in a cycle of people pleasing.
Learning to say “no” is a worthwhile skill.
“As a society, we often put more importance on being nice than we do on looking after ourselves,” says psychotherapist Bethan O’Riordan, “which is quite contradictory to the message of ‘It’s okay to be yourself’. People are borderline obsessed with how others view them or their family name, as if the fear of the family name being tarnished would be so destructive.”
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In business, we are often told to say “yes” to the opportunities that come our way, to take the challenges and deal with the aftermath of being overextended later, to work for free in order to build a portfolio or clientele. Instead, this behaviour limits our value, can damage our self-belief and may embed a learned behaviour to say yes out of fear of not succeeding in our career, or even our friendships. We say yes out of guilt, shame, a fear of conflict, social pressures, lack of boundaries or low self-esteem. While saying yes to opportunities can be incredible, learning the right time to say yes or no is equally impressive.
“Compassion-focused therapy is a therapeutic framework that helps us to understand this type of thinking in more depth,” says O’Riordan, “especially if we understand a little more about social rank and position in a group and society”.
O’Riordan explains that people live in two rank systems that consistently fight against each other. One of these systems encourages a person to rank down, which is a “subordinate way of coping with life,” while the other helps us rank upward, creating and amplifying a dominant way of living. Both systems are pretty powerful, as O’Riordan says, “especially if we haven’t learned the skills of not falling into their clutches and acting in a way that suits our needs instead”.
This can mean a person may find it difficult to say no if they have learned behaviours that result in subordinate behaviour. It is “like an inner programming from family, schools and society,” says O’Riordan, which has taught us “that being good is pleasing people and being nice”.
“Most people reach a mental and physical burnout in various parts of their lives,” says O’Riordan, whether from work, friendships, volunteering or other parts of their lives. “When we emotionally and logistically spread ourselves thin, it’s like we are going against the grain of who we are and what we need to create space for our mental health and physical difficulties.”
Modelling behaviour that navigates healthy boundaries, values our worth and that of others and cultivates personal and professional relationships with mutual respect shows that we will not meet the needs of others at the expense of our own
Learning to say no centres on building self-belief, developing self-respect and empowering ourselves by showing others that our time, energy, expertise and talents deserve protection, nourishment and respect.
“The benefits of saying no are really endless,” says O’Riordan, “but can be summarised quite simply that you’ll live a less complicated and happier life, surrounded by people and decisions that bring you joy, balance, and nourishing connections. And as humans, nourishing connections are the most important factor in us feeling well.”
Modelling behaviour that navigates healthy boundaries, values our worth and that of others and cultivates personal and professional relationships with mutual respect shows that we will not meet the needs of others at the expense of our own.
“All change takes practice in a practical and mental way,” says O’Riordan. “Usually, when we find it hard to say no, it’s because of our inner messaging – I’ll be letting people down. I’m stupid. I should be more capable. I want people to like me. Carving out a voice inside that’s more helpful to you and your needs is a great place to start.”
O’Riordan refers to this as a compassionate version of ourselves while recognising that we have conflicting inner voices that fight for attention but “can also offer the wisdom, courage and skills to meet our needs. Remember, any new skill takes time to hone and there might be certain situations or people we find it harder to say no to. And that’s okay. We are all a work in progress.”
Learning to say no: six tips to get started
Boundaries – Setting boundaries on how your time and energy are used means knowing what you want to protect in your personal and working life. If Tuesday nights are book club nights, build boundaries to protect that time. If you want to write a book, knowing that you may need to say no to dedicate your time to building your word count is vital. When a request challenges your boundaries, say no to protect what is important to you.
Be assertive – If you mean no, say no. By saying “maybe,” “we’ll see,” or “I’m not sure,” you leave yourself open to the asker manipulating the scenario until it fits, and your “maybe” turns into a solid “yes” before you know it.
Wait before answering – Saying yes can often be a reflex response. Instead of jumping the gun, pause and give yourself time to think about how the request will play into your daily routine. Do you have the availability, the energy or even the interest?
Avoid explaining why – Over time, I have learned that “no” is a complete sentence, which means we do not need to offer an explanation for saying no. Previously, I would be apologetic, listing why my time, expenses, energy and expertise were unavailable. What I didn’t realise was that this over-explaining took my answer of “no” out of my hands and landed it back in the hands of the asker, who could move the goalposts until my no was somewhat manipulated into a “yes”. They would find the chink in my armour and suggest a different time, level, capacity, fee, workload or anything else where I would falter, and my “excuses” would no longer fit with saying no. My reasons for saying no are personal and within my boundaries, and the same goes for you.
Offer alternatives – When saying no, consider offering an alternative that shows your willingness while respecting your boundaries.
Comfortable in the uncomfortable – Saying no can be an uncomfortable experience if you are not used to being assertive with your needs. There may be feelings of unease, guilt or stress. The more you say no, the more you will be able to tolerate these feelings and connect with why you are saying no.
