Dear Roe,
I am an asexual woman in my mid-20s. I am interested in dating and hopefully starting a relationship with someone, however, I have little to no physical or sexual experience and I’m very worried about how this is going to affect any potential relationships. From my perspective, sex has become too important an aspect of dating and one that people may not want to compromise on. While I know that relationships have give and take from both sides, I don’t want to completely compromise the way I feel about sex and physical intimacy.
What advice would you have for someone like me on the lookout for a relationship but wary of how my lack of experience and the nature of my sexuality might sound to someone who doesn’t feel the same way or how it might come across on a dating app? Is this a conversation you bring up during the first few dates? Another thing is that it takes me a bit longer to recognise my feelings for people and this is a conversation I would preferably have with someone I trust to take me seriously.
I think getting clear on what your own feelings around sex and physical intimacy are would be a good start – you may be, but it’s not really clear from your letter and that may be coming from an assumption that all asexual people have the same experience of or boundaries around sex, which is not true. About 1 per cent of people are asexual, experiencing little to no sexual attraction to others, but like many things, asexuality is a spectrum, and there are a few ways that people within the asexual or “ace” community can identify. These include demisexual, or experiencing sexual attraction only when there’s a strong emotional connection; grey-a or greysexual, which is where people identify somewhere between sexual or asexual; or queerplatonic, where people experience an intense non-romantic relationship that is more intensely emotionally connected than a traditional friendship. Many asexual people experience romantic attraction and have romantic desires that may be oriented towards specific genders and, like you, want a relationship.
Asexual people may also have very different boundaries around sex and physical intimacy. Some may be willing to engage in some sexual activity when they feel emotionally connected with their partner; some may not desire sex themselves but are happy to engage in some sexual activity because it’s important to their partner; some may have sex because they want children; some may not want to engage in any sexual activity at all; and others may prioritise engaging in other physical forms of affection to differing degrees. You may be very clear on where your boundaries lie or you may still be unsure of what you’d be comfortable with if you were in a loving relationship – and either is absolutely fine. You are allowed to be clear on your boundaries or be open to exploring what feels right for you – but if you do have a sense of what feels true for you, it may help how you frame conversations with potential partners.
Thinking about what sex and physical intimacy could look like for you is far more important than worrying about your lack of experience. Lots of people don’t have a lot of sexual experience in their 20s, for a variety of reasons, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of or apologise for – and the same with your asexuality. I would try reframe your thinking about this, moving away from worrying about how other people may perceive you and instead framing this as thinking about how to set yourself up for success in finding community, feeling comfortable in yourself and meeting suitable partners.
While I understand that coming out as asexual can be intimidating and nerve-racking, I wonder if being open about being asexual on dating apps would act as a built-in litmus test, so that you’re only matching with people who are open and accepting, instead of randomly matching with people, developing feelings for them and then being disappointed if this proves to be a fundamental incompatibility? I do want you to think about whether putting yourself in that position repeatedly might impact your sense of self-worth and self-acceptance.
Some ace people do have successful, fulfilling relationships with sexual people where they navigate ways of connecting or expressing intimacy that are mutually satisfying – but it will take significantly more effort and being very discerning about the people you’re connecting with. I think for the sake of your time, energy and self-acceptance, it’s important to be realistic that sex is important to a lot of people, and if you’re looking for a long-term partner, finding someone who is sexual but willing to negotiating that may be tricky and time-consuming. It’s not impossible, but there may be some strategy involved – and it’ll be important that you feel comfortable enough in your own skin that you don’t take any incompatibility personally.
If you want to use the usual dating apps and don’t want to say that you are ace upfront, saying that you’re looking for a friendship first or to take things slowly should indicate that you want to develop a connection over time, and this may allow you to get to know people and their views on sex and relationships before coming out to them. Doing this means that when you do decide to talk about asexuality and relationships, you’ll at least have a sense that they’re respectful people who will take you seriously.
If you’re comfortable exploring dating while being “out” as ace, some dating sites and apps like OKCupid do let you filter for ace people (you may have to pay for a certain level of membership), which will help take the uncertainty out of your matches. Apps that are queer-friendly and, ironically, apps that have a focus on being sex-positive like Feeld may be worth considering, as there tends to be more awareness of and understanding around asexuality (though on more sex-focused apps, there may be more immediate questioning about what you’re looking for, which could feel intimidating or intrusive if you don’t want to discuss it at length up front.) There are also community and dating sites specifically for asexual people, like Asexualitic and AceSpace.
I would also encourage you to try connect with more asexual people and communities generally, so that you have places to feel understood, so you can hear about other people’s experiences of dating and having relationships – and possibly meet someone you really connect with and could have a relationship with. The Asexual Visibility and Education Network is a really helpful online resource that includes a community forum; Outhouse LGTBQ+ in Dublin have asexual and aromantic events; there are Facebook groups for asexual people Ireland; and there is an Ace contingent at Pride events. There are also lots of online asexual communities on Facebook, Reddit and other sites where people can learn about asexuality, learn about themselves, connect with similar people and benefit from the wisdom of other people’s lived experience. There are large, wonderful communities out there waiting to connect and support you, so take advantage of that!
The very best of luck.