Question
I’m finding myself in a situation that is very tricky. I’m in my early 30s and got married just over a year ago. I had been working in South America (a few years ago). I had taken a year off work to travel and planned to go around the globe, but got as far as South America and fell in love so spent the whole year there.
I was working in a bar and met this gorgeous woman and I fell head over heels with her. I had to come back to my job and for a long time we did the long-distance thing, but it was very hard. I told my family that this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and they were all very supportive and encouraging. When my wife finally moved to Ireland, they helped fund her and found her jobs, etc. My whole community got behind us and now we are settled in my hometown, with jobs and lives.
The problem is that it is not working, and I’ve discovered that I don’t want this marriage and I’m not in love with her anymore. She is still very beautiful, of course, but we have nothing in common and I cannot imagine spending my life with her. The problem is that so many people, my family in particular, have been so hugely supportive that I cannot imagine telling them that I want a divorce. They like her and are proud of what they have achieved in terms of giving her (and me) a life that is solid and supported. I feel that if we divorce, I will be letting my family down and also abandoning this woman to a country that she did not intend to live in.
My whole life now feels like a pretence. I even think that my family are waiting to hear we are starting a family. It sends shivers down my spine.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
It is wonderful that you have such a supportive family, but it is not a good idea to stay in a marriage for their sake alone. You do not say if your wife knows of your unhappiness or if she has an opinion on your situation and it seems like talking to her is the obvious place to start.
You and she may have to figure out what is going on in your relationship and how you ended up in this situation. You almost sound like you are parenting your partner, in the sense of protecting her and this may not be the best for a relationship of equals.
However, at the very least, both of you need to hear each other out to try to gain understanding of what your future holds for both of you. If you cannot do this by yourselves you may need to engage a psychotherapist to assist you and perhaps you might find someone who speaks the language of your partner, as this would be helpful to her. Your wife has a right as an adult to choose her own future and she should do this with full knowledge of her circumstances, and this means that you must come clean with her and go through whatever process is needed: couple counselling or mediation (for separation). When you and your wife have agreed how to proceed you can then go to your family with a sense of honesty and let them know what has happened.
They may well be disappointed and even hurt, but their previous actions suggest that they will be supportive again and will get behind your choices. It may help them to know that you have faced up to the situation and taken guidance on it and also that your wife has had a voice in proceedings. Your own family will have faced difficult times, and may do so again in the future, so the family will have resilience and capacity to manage challenging situations. Trust them to cope with your current unhappiness and with your desire for separation.
[ ‘My long-distance relationship is making me conflicted over my career’Opens in new window ]
Most people also have had experience of pretending or of impostor syndrome and can sympathise with the awfulness of it. Not to be your authentic self is a strain that is exhausting and so painful that it is almost a relief to let people see the truth. Your wife and your family will want you to be real so that they too can be authentic in return. It is not an expression of love or of gratitude to live a pretend life; what is an expression of love is the courage to be yourself and to trust that the other person has the capacity to cope with that.
If you can drop the insincerity, you might find that you can have something real in your troubled relationship and you can move your relationship with your family to a more mature and satisfying level.
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