Dear Roe,
My husband of 20 years, whom I love dearly, only ever wants dirty talk in bed. Stories about me with other people, threesomes etc. He wants me to talk the entire time and I find it boring and contrived. When I say this to him he says it’s kinky and only ‘dirty talk’. It gets him off, he wants to push boundaries, so what’s the big deal? To be honest, it makes me not want to have sex. But it’s a difficult subject to broach. Help!
It doesn’t sound like it’s a difficult subject to broach – your husband is broaching it every time he asks for dirty talk, you’re engaging with the subject every time you both participate in it, and you have raised it with him before, even if he has dismissed your concerns. The subject isn’t difficult, changing this dynamic is.
I do want to say that after 20 years, it can be seen as a good thing that not only are your and your husband still sexually active, but that he is trying to keep some novelty in your sex life and including you in his fantasy realm. These are good things you can work with.
However, there is a distinct lack of consideration for your feelings, your desire and your pleasure that needs to be addressed. You’re bored, feeling unconsidered, and you’re not having the type of sexual interactions that make you feel desired or bring you pleasure. That is serious. This constant deferring to not only his desire but to a type of sex where you feel disconnected is already chipping away at you and damaging your relationship not only with your husband, but with sex itself. That needs to be addressed.
I would like you to think about why it has felt so hard to broach this topic before. Why has it felt so hard to express your needs and desires? Is this because you’ve been socialised to prioritise men’s pleasure, which is common? Is this a pattern in your relationship where your husband’s needs come before your own? How do you need to address this dynamic as a whole?
Plan a time to talk with your husband that is not when you are just about to have sex, but is not when you’re fighting, either. The aim of discussing your sex life is to talk about connection and intimacy, and ideally should be framed as a connecting conversation where you both listen to and learn about each other’s experience of sex, talk about the current problem, and figure out ways to reconnect that feel pleasurable to both of you.
You’re having one very particular type of sex that is engaging in fantasy, some kink and a very particular tone that your husband is finding fun and boundary-pushing and sexy, but that you are finding disconnecting, distant, lacking in appeal, and that is making you feel like your desire and pleasure is not prioritised.
As ever, sex is never just about sex – this type of sex is making you feel like you are not considered or prioritised in the relationship, and is something that you have to partake in but isn’t about connecting with you. That’s very hard, and needs to be addressed.
Tell your husband that you love that you’re still sexually attracted to each other and still have an active sex life, and that you want your sex life to be pleasurable. Ask him to explain why he finds dirty talk sexy. Then ask him to listen to the type of sex you find pleasurable and connecting. Talk about the tone of sex you want, whether you want either of you to be speaking at all or what kind of language and phrases you would like to hear, if any – loving words, compliments, general enthusiasm. Talk about how you would like to feel emotionally during and after sex – playful, connected, romantic, intimate, desired, prioritised, whatever you like.
Then explain how the gap between the type of sex you want and the type of sex you’re currently having is affecting you, and bleeding into your relationship. Explain how constantly engaging in a type of sex you don’t find pleasurable or connecting is decreasing your desire for any sex, and explain how it makes you feel within your relationship.
Tell your husband that this is no longer sustainable for you and is damaging your shared sex life and dynamic – and, because you want a long-lasting relationship and mutually fulfilling sex life, this issue needs to be addressed and he needs to actively participate in working on it with you.
Pay attention to how he responds here. If he is a caring and respectful partner, he will of course want to make you feel understood, cared for and will want to work with you to get you back to a sex life that is pleasurable for both of you.
Because you have fallen into a habit, it may take some effort to break this pattern and you will need to maintain your boundaries. You might need to agree to take a break from dirty talk altogether for a while. It has become an emotional block between you and now feels charged for you, and taking a break so that you can recalibrate and can get back into a rhythm of having sex that you enjoy might be helpful.
Once you’re back in a pattern of feeling desired and enjoying sex, exploring dirty talk occasionally may feel more fun and like something you are happy to do for your partner, because you know that he prioritises your pleasure, too. But that dynamic of mutual care, respect and pleasure has to be re-established.
For a lot of people, emotional safety and libido are intrinsically linked; without feeling loved, appreciated, desired and prioritised, sexual desire dissipates. This is why emotionally neglectful relationships often see sex disappearing – it’s not that individuals don’t want or prioritise sex, but their partner no longer feels like a safe and attractive sexual partner. You have been a generous and accommodating sexual partner for your husband, and he has been neglecting your desires and pleasure. Your relationship needs to get back to a place of mutual respect and care both for its own sake, and so that sex feels enticing again.
For a few weeks or even months, your husband needs to actively ask you what type of sex you’d like to have, and how you’d like to feel, and he needs to prioritise that. This isn’t about a tit-for-tat swap that he has been getting his desires met so now it’s all about you; it’s about him showing that he cares about how this has been affecting you and getting back to a place of emotional safety. You have felt neglected and slightly used – that is damage, and damage needs concerted effort to repair.
It might be worth going back to the basics: focusing on creating intimacy and romance, taking your time with foreplay, buying a sex toy that you enjoy and using that together. If dirty talk has become your husband’s go-to for novelty, it may be worth bringing a new sense of attention and exploration to the basics, which can often be left neglected and put on autopilot. Or are there any other fantasies that you would like to explore?
Focus on you for a while, and reconnect with each other. Dirty talk will always be there to revisit, but if this dynamic doesn’t change, he may lose you. I hope his priorities are in the right place.