I am writing to you with a problem that I guess many other people also struggle with: the loss of precious memorabilia.
My story is this: I am an only child and my father died before I could consciously know him. When I was three, a six-year-old little girl was sent by her mother to “babysit” me. The babysitting never happened, but instead a friendship. During one of my visits with her during her final illness, I brought a photo album that had a lot of photos of us as children, and also a lot of photos of my father before his death.
She was delighted and it really lifted her spirits. I left it with my friend in hospital, on the understanding that her daughter would return it to me after her passing. However, a lot of things went chaotically wrong after her death, through no fault of her family, and now the album is lost.
It’s been more than a year, but I still struggle to accept this loss and move on from it. Do you have any idea of what might help?
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
It is very difficult to lose something of such huge emotional value to you, especially when the item has been part of your life for so long. Photos carry such immense meaning for us as they can immediately bring to life a memory that might otherwise fade away, and in your case the photos of your father are especially valued, and the loss is therefore more acute. Add to this the death of someone who has been in your life for half a century, and it becomes clear that the loss is woven into the loss of the evidence of your life together.
Letting go is a key skill for successful living, and the older we get the more letting go there is to be done. This can be very painful and the more meaning something has the greater the pain at its passing. There is something deeply human in this experience and yet within it is the possibility of suffering too much for the loss. You are mourning your friend’s death, and it resonates deeply with other losses in your life, so it is to be expected that your grief is heavy and overpowering. You would have had some relief from the photo album, and its loss has become the focus of your attention. Perhaps if you could accept its loss, this will feed into acceptance of the larger loss in your life.
We can feel that the loss of a treasured item is another level in the pain of the overall loss. This can feel unbearable and yet it must be borne
If you had siblings, you would have been able to get close to their experience of grief, and perhaps come to understand the many nuances and expressions of loss, and this might have allowed you more self-compassion around your focus on the album. Sharing experiences of grief is healing, and having a community who understand what you are going through can be a powerful way of coming to terms with loss and bereavement. Could you engage with your own community of friends and explain what is going on for you? If this is not possible, perhaps you could seek out group support for bereavement.
We can feel that the loss of a treasured item is another level in the pain of the overall loss. This can feel unbearable and yet it must be borne. Consciously accepting loss, over and over again, is needed. Forgiving yourself and others for its disappearance is required, and trusting that you have the resources to go on living is a must. It is hard to do these things alone, and if you can find support, try to use all your courage to take it up. People say that spirituality, religion, poetry, extended family and community connections all help with the healing process, and you do not have to look too far for options.
Type “bereavement support Ireland” into a search engine and you will find a range of possibilities, such as individual grief therapy, weekly group support and weekend healing sojourns in beautiful and serene surroundings. Some of these cost money, but not all, and there will be something that will connect with you if you have the courage to reach out. As human beings, we all go through loss and we all have to learn to let go even the most valuable of things (including our own loss of youth and vitality). We need to learn the self-compassion to be kind to ourselves and the wisdom to let go at the right time. This is a shared experience and recovery can be aided in the presence of others.
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