I saw a video of my ex-girlfriend on a porn site but I don’t think she knows

Dear Roe,

I really need help on what to do. I’m a 26-year-old man and went out with a girl for more than a year when we were 23-24. Our break-up wasn’t down to cheating or anything but we argued a lot and weren’t great to each other at the end. We didn’t talk for a long time, and now if we see each other we’ll be civil and say hello but nothing more. I haven’t seen her in a year. Last week I was on a free porn site that features some amateur videos, and saw her in a video. It’s definitely her. The video shows her having sex and giving oral to a man who is holding the camera. His face is never visible so I don’t know who it is. I know she was seeing someone last year but I don’t think they’re still together. I’m now worried that this video was uploaded without her permission. I feel like I have to tell her in case she doesn’t know, but I’m worried it will come off as creepy or weird or that she’ll be embarrassed/angry/accuse me of trying to humiliate her. I haven’t told anyone. I’ve debated telling one of her friends so they can ask her, but that also feels wrong and I’m worried they’ll think I’m trying to spread stuff about her. If it was one of my girl friends, I feel like I could tell them and they would trust I was trying to do the right thing, but because of our history I just don’t think I’m the right person to tell her. I have the link in case I should send it to her but even keeping it feels creepy. What do I do?

What a nightmare.

I’m going to acknowledge that when it comes to situations of breaking hard news to someone, people often have different opinions. There are the “not your circus, not your monkeys” crowd who think you should just stay out of any situation that you’re not directly affected by. There are the delegation lovers, who pass the job off to someone they think is more suitable. And there are the “people always shoot the messenger” crowd, who would like to say something but fear being blamed. Often, when we are confronted with a situation where it seems like there are a few options in terms of how to react, we can get stuck, unsure of which is the perfect response and choosing to do nothing instead.

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

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‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

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‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

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Here are my thoughts. First, in this situation, there is one outcome that is right, and that is making sure this woman is aware of the video. Not letting her know that someone might have violated her trust in such a huge way and that such a vulnerable and exposing video is available online is unconscionable. She needs to know. Second, as for how to let her know, sometimes if you don’t know which is the “right” option, all you can do is pick a course of action and do it right, by which I mean do it with integrity and good intentions. Third, sometimes when the message being delivered is so important and so delicate, a messenger has to risk getting shot.

Maybe this woman already knows the video exists online and is happy and comfortable with that. But unfortunately it is more likely that she is a victim of image-based sexual abuse (sometimes colloquially known as “revenge porn”, but this term is inappropriate.) Image-based sexual abuse is a form of nonconsensual sharing or distribution of intimate or sexual images without the subject’s consent. This is a criminal offence in Ireland, regardless of the age of the subject or their relationship with the person who shared it. It is also a criminal offence to threaten to share intimate or sexual images of another person, or to edit images to look like another person (including deepfakes) or even claim it is of a person if it is not.

[ Revenge Porn: ‘My phone was just pinging every two seconds ‘oh my god, I’ve just been sent this of you’ ]

It does not matter if the photo or video was taken and willingly shared to one person – if it is further shared without their consent, it is a crime.

There are organisations such as Hotline.ie where people can report either suspected image-based sexual abuse, or report that they themselves have been a victim of it. Reports can be submitted anonymously, which can be helpful if, for example, a person discovers child sexual abuse material and wishes to report it but is concerned about being associated with it. If a person who is a victim of image-based sexual abuse themselves contacts Hotline.ie, even anonymously, they can find support and information around getting the image removed and reporting it to An Garda Síochána. If a complaint is to be forwarded to the Garda, reports at that point are no longer anonymous.

Hotline.ie may not be able to do much about an anonymous report of a suspected case of image-based sexual abuse featuring someone else, as the person is an adult and it’s possible the video is consensual. However, it’s worth calling them for advice. If they can’t help you, I think you need to take the option that does the most right by the woman involved and that you can stand over with a clear conscience. The reason I would advise against telling one of her friends so they can broach it with her is that you don’t know their relationship or how gossipy her friends are. You also cannot share the link with anyone, as that’s potentially spreading a nonconsensual video.

You cannot control the actions of others, but you can control your actions and be as responsible, thoughtful and respectful as possible. I would either ask her for a phone call or for her email (confirming her contact information in advance – you don’t want to send the message to the wrong person), explaining that you need to speak to her about something important. (If necessary, assure her that it’s nothing to do with your relationship, in case she’s put off by the prospect of some emotional rehashing.) Then, be brief, be empathetic, be non-salacious, be helpful.

[ Q&A: How does legislation around sharing intimate images work? ]

Explain to her that you’re sorry to bring up an uncomfortable situation, but you were concerned this was a very serious matter and would rather risk an uncomfortable conversation than her safety. Tell her that you saw an explicit video of her online (the more plain your language here the easier it will be for both of you) and that you wanted to make sure she was aware of it, in case it was nonconsensually shared. Tell her you have not told anyone or shared the link with anyone as you wanted to respect her privacy. Tell her you have no intention of telling anyone about it, but in case she needs to report it to the site to have it taken down, or report it to Hotline.ie or the Garda, you can send her the link. Tell her you are happy to make a statement if needed but will otherwise put it out of your mind and not talk about it again. Tell her you respect her, that you have no judgment around this and just want her to be safe.

She may get upset, or lash out in embarrassment. If so, simply tell her that you understand that this is upsetting, but that you haven’t done this to her and simply wanted to do the right thing. Ask if she would like you to send her the link so she can do whatever she needs to do. Tell her you’re sorry that this is happening to her and end the conversation. Any emotional projection she may experience in the moment is because of the situation, not you.

It’s a really difficult situation, but you’re doing the right thing, and she will realise that eventually. Good luck.