Dear Roe,
I’m a college student in Dublin. I have a girlfriend of over a year who I love very much. She’s in college in another county so we see each other at least three times a week.
Before I met my current girlfriend, I really liked a girl in my class for three years. I was friend-zoned for most of that time and then we eventually gave it a go and went out but it was a toxic mess that really hurt me and ended in ruins.
It has been a year since we broke it off but I still find myself looking at her from the corner of my eye or trying to act cool when she’s around. I’m almost scared to talk to her in case I fall for her again. I love my girlfriend and the person she’s helped me become and I feel guilty that I’m so worried about my ex. My ex has always been a source of paranoia for my girlfriend because she knows how much I used to like her and I don’t want to risk telling her because I don’t want her to worry. Any advice?
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You’re in college so already know that some lessons are not fun but necessary to complete in order to graduate. Some of what I’m about to tell you may not be fun to read but consider this a necessary step to graduating to the next stage of enjoying relationships with other people – romantic and platonic.
You had a bad break-up with someone you liked for a long time and it’s natural to have complicated feelings. It sounds, however, like your thoughts and feelings about your ex have become a bit obsessive and you’re struggling to move on. I wonder if these thoughts are part of a pattern, where you create narratives about people and relationships in your head and spend more time obsessing over that fantasy than living in reality.
You’re not the only one who does this, of course – most crushes are fuelled by a fantasy, an imagining of the person and what it would be like to be with them. It’s when these fantasies escalate from fun distractions to obsessions, start shrinking the humanity of the people we like or cause us to indulge in self-destructive behaviour, however, that they become a problem.
One prime example of how a fantasy could start to shrink the humanity of another person is the whole idea of “the Friend Zone”. This is because “the Friend Zone” does not exist.
Liking someone who doesn’t have any romantic feelings for you can, of course, be painful and it’s natural to feel sadness and disappointment. There is, however, a world of difference between being disappointed that a person doesn’t have romantic or sexual feelings for you and feeling entitled to those feelings – the latter attitude is what fuels ideas of “the Friend Zone”.
It’s a term that can and has been used by people of all genders but culturally has been used predominantly by men against women, designed to guilt women for not offering a man romance or sex. It assumes the man has an inherent entitlement to sexual or romantic access to a woman and for her not to reciprocate his feelings is an act of cruelty; an unjust and devaluing categorisation of him.
The irony is, of course, the exact opposite is true: the man is objectifying the woman, reducing her from a fully-rounded person to his romantic or sexual interest and if she doesn’t reciprocate, he feels she is unjustly withholding something he feels he is owed. It is a way of trying to guilt-trip women for exercising their autonomy, telling women that to turn down a man is an act of cruelty.
“The Friend Zone” is a term used when we reduce someone to a one-dimensional fantasy, then feel disappointed and even angry about their existence as a real, fully-rounded person who doesn’t fulfil their role as expected.
This is an important lesson you need to learn. People do not exist to give you exactly what you want and the more you focus on the fantasy of relationships, the harder it will be to appreciate real ones.
Your initial feelings for your ex were based on a years-long fantasy about a relationship with her, where you got to craft her in your imagination to be the perfect girlfriend and mould your imagined relationship into an epic love story. You built it up in your head – but it didn’t exist. As you say yourself, when you finally got together, it was a toxic mess.
[ ‘I love my husband but sex with my ex seemed more fulfilling, almost primal’Opens in new window ]
Now, when you think about her you are still focusing on the fantasy, imagining that this time, it could be different. That’s why you still feel like if you even talk to your ex you’ll fall for her again; because part of you knows that you won’t be able to have a simple conversation with her without jumping headfirst into the fantasy.
To be clear, it won’t be different. Because if you constantly imagine someone acting exactly as you wish, you are always going to be disappointed by reality.
Not being able to focus on the present is hurting you, too. Your belief that you have to be “cool” in front of your ex is also creating an idealised version of you and reducing your worth to your ability to live up to it. What’s tragic is that you’ve been in a loving relationship for a year, which means your girlfriend has seen your clumsy moments, your vulnerable moments, your “uncool” moments – and she loves all of it.
That’s a beautiful thing. This relationship has allowed you and your girlfriend to embrace each other’s humanity fully. But part of you doesn’t value that full, vulnerable, clumsy humanity as much as the fantasy of cool perfection – and that needs to change.
Get a therapist or counsellor who can help you process your feelings for your ex and give you tools to help you break out of any obsessive thoughts. Your college will have counsellors on campus. There can often be waiting lists but don’t be discouraged – put your name down. You can also look up therapists off-campus – lots of practices offer low rates for students. Spunout has a free text line where you can chat to volunteers and Jigsaw and Turn2Me also provide some free services.
In the meantime, block or mute your ex on social media and give yourself some space from her. When you find yourself thinking about her, think about the real relationships in your life – your girlfriend, your friends and your family and think both of the ways you appreciate them and ways you can enrich them. Focus your energies on making your existing relationships as good as possible, instead of dreaming of the hypothetical.
You’ll be okay. You know why? Because the real world, with all its real people and the real love they have to offer you, it’s pretty damn great. You just need to stay present and notice it.