‘I’ve started experimenting with BDSM but feel sad afterwards – should I stop?’

Dear Roe,

I’m in my 30s and have had a fairly vanilla sex life but I have always been intrigued by some aspects of BDSM like spanking, dirty talk and restraints, with me in a submissive role. I never did anything about it because I wasn’t in relationships where I felt emotionally safe enough with a partner, but last year I got married and my husband is wonderful and caring so I recently told him about these fantasies. He was happy to start exploring with me, and though we started moving slowly, we’ve had some incredibly hot, passionate sessions.

During, I feel really turned on and connected to my husband and really love what we’re doing. But the last few times, I’ve felt really depressed afterwards and I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. I’ll be loving sex as we’re having it but afterwards there’s just this sudden shift and I feel really down. I don’t know if it’s some old Catholic guilt rearing its head or some internalised shame around this kind of sex or a sign that we should stop doing this. What do you think?

I’m so glad you’re finally in a relationship where you feel loved and cared for and safe to express yourself and explore sexually. I’m also glad that you seem to be moving through this new chapter in your sexual life slowly.

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

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‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

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‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

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For the uninitiated, BDSM refers to a large set of desires, behaviours, actions and dynamics. BDSM is the umbrella term, and stands for the general groupings of bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and sadomasochism. That’s a lot of words that seem to cover a lot, right? And it does, because BDSM is a catch-all term that contains infinite multitudes. It can include dirty talk, spanking, restraint play, role play, the use of toys and sensation play, all of the above, none of the above. Some people can enjoy one or several aspects of BDSM and have absolutely no interest in the others; and some people may enjoy things that could fall under BDSM but never use the term. If you hear that someone is “into BDSM”, you really don’t know anything – everyone will have their own specific desires and pleasures under that umbrella.

BDSM is often deeply misunderstood in pop culture as being deviant, when actually it’s very common (unsurprisingly, given the wide parameters of the term); and can be misrepresented as being inherently unhealthy or rooted in abuse, when, like all sex, it is and must always be rooted in consent and clear communication. Healthy BDSM interactions are rooted in mutual pleasure, trust and communication and can be as fun, tender, silly, creative, sexy, hot or intense as the people involved want it to be.

Communication is key in BDSM, particularly when any form of dynamic play or pain play is involved. It’s vital for everyone involved to be very aware of each other, to keep checking in with each other, and to have safe words and/or gestures so that they can pause, de-escalate or stop at any time. When playing with any submissive/dominant dynamic, the submissive person hasn’t actually surrendered power or agency; they can slow, control or completely stop the interaction at any time. This is a form of play and performance built on consent, trust and communication – which is why it is incredibly important to have a partner who you feel safe with, and to move slowly through your explorations so you can try things, see how you feel about them, and slowly build up any intensity as desired.

Consent and communication are of course fundamental to all forms of sex, but when it comes to BDSM, you really need to be confident that you and your partner are clear, trustworthy communicators. BDSM is not entry-level sex. The risk of harming yourself and/or your partner, physically and emotionally, is just too high. People who want to try BDSM – even the lighter elements – need to be willing and able to have extremely clear, ongoing conversations about desire, boundaries and safety. Anyone who is not able to do so should not be engaging with BDSM at all, as they’re likely to hurt themselves and their partner.

It’s vital to remember that while two people may have wildly different ideas of what BDSM means to them, your definition of what pleasure and BDSM mean to you will likely also change over time, mood, circumstance. Certain BDSM play may feel fun when you’re in one mood, but you might not want it all the time. You may have degrees of intensity that you play with, sometimes keeping it very soft and gentle and other times, you’ll be excited to ramp it up. This is again why moving slowly through your explorations and keeping open communication is vital, as you need to remain self-aware about what feels good and bad, curious about why, and you need to feel safe to communicate this to your partner.

The reason many people find BDSM pleasurable is that it elicits intense emotions and experiences, which makes the body release a lot of endorphins and adrenaline

I say all of this because there are a few likely causes for your sudden mood drop after BDSM play. One is what you have suggested, that you have some internalised shame around these desires, which would not be uncommon given Ireland’s historically abysmal discourse around sexual autonomy and pleasure, and the Catholic Church’s infliction of shame upon generations of people. If you think this is happening, I’d encourage you both to find a sex-positive therapist who can help you navigate this, and to read and research people who practise BDSM – either writers or interest groups – who will make you feel less alone and help you see that your desires are widespread, normal and accepted.

Another possibility is that you may be moving too quickly or intensely, and certain aspects of the acts or dynamics you’re playing with are leaving you feel disconnected, vulnerable or objectified. Tell your partner what is going on for you, have a conversation about what you were doing before your mood dropped, and move more slowly and gently next time, noticing what feels good for you and what might be leaving you feeling bad. Again, clear communication is key here, and remember: this is supposed to be about pleasure. Never feel under pressure to do anything that makes you feel bad.

Finally, you may be experiencing a “sub drop”, which is a mood drop that some people who take on a submissive role can experience after some BDSM play. The reason many people find BDSM pleasurable is that it elicits intense emotions and experiences, which makes the body release a lot of endorphins and adrenaline – endorphins making you feel pleasure and euphoria, and adrenaline as you feel excited and energised.

When sex or BDSM play ends, these chemicals can quickly dissipate, bringing you rapidly down from an intense high. This drop can feel jarring, and your brain can struggle to comprehend this shift, creating a sense of sadness, anxiety, irritation or fatigue. You may try to make sense of this shift by placing a narrative on this sensation, such as telling yourself that you must be feeling bad because what you just did was shameful, when all that is happening is that your body is going through a rapid change.

For any of these possibilities, moving slowly through sex, communicating with your partner, naming your emotions and investing in your aftercare is all going to be vital. Aftercare refers to the ways in which you care for each other, communicate about, and transition out of a BDSM or intense sex session. It could involve cuddling, talking about what just happened, having a bath, rehydrating, and giving yourself enough time to shift your energy before getting back to everyday life.

Keep moving slowly, keep communicating and keep taking care of each other.