Question
My 12-year-old daughter can be really disorganised and oppositional. This leads to big rows over getting homework done or getting my daughter out in the morning, particularly for my wife who does more of the parenting (I work full time and she works part time).
Things can escalate quickly between them and it can often end up in a screaming match. I am often called in during the middle of these rows and I don’t know how to react. I know my daughter can be difficult, but my wife easily flies off the handle and I think she puts my daughter under too much pressure. The situation is stressing our relationship as my wife feels I am not supporting her.
My daughter is also upset and last week she asked me why her mother is so angry with her, which upset me.
What should I do?
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Answer
When you witness a row between partner and child, the temptation is to join the uproar and take a side. You can either criticise your partner’s parenting skills which leaves them feeling unsupported (and furious at you) or join in the criticism of your child which can leave them feeling more isolated and damage their wellbeing.
An alternative approach is to try to remain calm and to focus on deescalating the row. Your goal is to respond in a way that supports both your partner and your child and which helps resolve the conflict.
Take time to understand
Take the time to develop a deeper understanding about what is going on for your daughter and your wife. What is at the bottom of your daughter’s disorganisation and opposition?
Is she struggling with school work?
Does she have some unrecognised needs that need addressing?
[ ‘I have to see my aunt in secret ... Mam keeps asking me to choose sides’Opens in new window ]
Is she tired or fatigued in the morning?
Consider also what is going on for your wife and the dynamic between them. Is your wife particularly stressed at the moment?
Is there a personality clash between the two of them, which is causing a battle of wills?
Agree a plan with your partner
Set some time to talk through the issues with your wife. A relaxed time away from the conflict is best. Explore what is the best way to respond to help your daughter. Changes to the bedtime or morning routines or agreeing a different homework schedule with the teacher all could help.
Agree with your wife what would be a supportive response from you during a a conflict. Often the best response is one that invites taking a break.
For example, you might agree a signal that your wife can use during a conflict which invites you to come in and take over. This might allow your wife to take a step back before she becomes too dysregulated. Operating a tag team system like this can be a great way to manage high-intensity challenges.
Additionally, you may agree a more supportive schedule with your wife whereby you take over more of the stressful routines. For example, you might arrange your work that you can cover three morning routines a week where you are solely responsible for getting your daughter out the door etc.
[ ‘My husband’s family operate like a cult, with my mother-in-law as leader’Opens in new window ]
Listening to your daughter
While it might be hard to hear when your daughter asks why her mother is “so angry”, it is good that she is able to open up and to talk to you. When this happens take time to respond thoughtfully. You might listen and draw her out a bit more. “How do you mean? Tell me what happens” as well as explore her feelings. “That can be a hard situation … How do you feel?"
Then you can offer her a compassionate explanation of how her mother is responding. For example you might say, “I think your mum gets frustrated because she wants the best for you ... she wants to make sure you are learning well at school.” Or if it is appropriate, you might say, “I think the two of you are a bit similar – you both feel things strongly – what do you think?" In offering this explanation you are trying to support mutual understanding and your daughter’s relationship with her mother.
As you have this conversation with your daughter, you are quite likely to get a better sense of what is going on for her and what her needs are.
This will help you better understand how you might help her manage the homework and morning routines.
Family problem-solving
You could also problem-solve as a family about finding solutions. Sit down with your wife, your daughter and other children and discuss the topic: “How can we make the morning routine go better?”
Listen to everyone’s perspective about what is at issue, give everyone space to brainstorm solutions and then decide together on a family action plan. The key to making family problem-solving work is to listen to the children’s ideas and to use their solutions where possible.
It can also be nice to include a happier topic in a family problem-solving such as, “what fun family things can we do together this weekend?” or “ideas for the next family holiday”.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He has upcoming webinars in November on Motivating ADHD children and Managing stress and anxiety. See solutiontalk.ie
