Question
My daughter is seven and is very anxious about going to sleep at night on her own. She is fine if a parent lies in bed with her, but if we leave she can get upset. Sometimes, she will come out of the room crying that she can’t sleep and we have to go back with her.
She seems to be very troubled about being unable to fall asleep immediately when she lies down. She does not provide any reason for why she feels like this and is very outgoing and happy in all other aspects of her life.
Any guidance you can provide would be gratefully received.
Answer
Lots of children find it hard to fall asleep alone and seek out their parents’ comfort and presence to help them. For some children, falling asleep can take some time and they can feel lonely as they lie waiting for sleep to arrive. Like your daughter, some children can become stressed that they are not immediately falling asleep, and this stress makes it harder to fall sleep. Below are some ideas that might help.
Supporting your daughter’s sleep
First, see it as a good thing that your daughter can fall asleep with your support as a parent. This is a sign that she has a warm, connected relationship with you and sees you as a source of safety and comfort. While you might want to gradually teach her to fall asleep by herself over time, you can start from this positive place.
One mother I worked with, accepted that her daughter needed her presence at night (for the moment) and got into a habit of sitting quietly with her daughter after story time to support her falling asleep. She made the time productive for herself by listening to podcasts on her headphones. Over a few weeks, the daughter was happy for her mother to gradually withdraw.
Consider your daughter’s sleep routine
It is worth considering if changes to your daughter’s routine might help. For example, if she is taking a long time to sleep, is this due to the fact that she does not need as much sleep as you think?
Could a slightly later bedtime work? You can work this out by considering how tired she is during the day. Does she get up refreshed in the morning? Paradoxically, some overtired children find it hard to sleep at night (and to get up in the mornings) and need earlier rather than later bedtimes.
Alternatively, some children might experience a “racing mind” when they lie down to sleep and might need a little more mental or physical stimulation in the run up to bedtime – this might mean incorporating a walk with the dog or some quizzes or games in the bedtime routine. Also, some children have worries that come at night and benefit from talking these through. Usually, it is best to have these conversations earlier in the day. For example, you might start a conversation at a relaxed time asking your daughter, “When you try to sleep at night, what thoughts go through your mind?” There are some good books for children that you can read together such as What to Do When You Dread Your Bed by Dawn Huebner.
[ Ask the Expert: My five-year-old daughter won’t sleep in her own bedOpens in new window ]
Helping your daughter fall asleep by herself
You can also teach your daughter to fall asleep alone by helping her enjoy being alone and by gradually reducing your presence.
Below are possible steps you can follow.
- Agree a goal with your daughter: “Would you like to learn to fall asleep by yourself? We can help you.”
- Explore strategies for falling asleep: “What can you do as you lie quietly and wait for sleep?” Help your daughter think of lots of creative things that might work for her such as remembering happy events, cuddling her teddy, listening to music (on a timer), reading for a few minutes if she is not tired and so son.
- Initially, provide whatever support she needs. If she needs you to lie in the bed with her at the start, that’s fine.
- Gradually reduce the support you provide. For example, you might sit on a chair nearby and hold her hand and then the next night sit a bit farther away, and so on.
- When you do leave the bedroom, agree you will come back to check in on her: “I will be back in five minutes to check in on you.” The reassurance that you will be back will help her feel safe. If she is awake when you return, sit with her for a few minutes to provide some reassurance.
- If she comes out of the bed looking for you, gently say, “When you are back in bed, I will come up to you.” Only give her attention when she is back in bed, when you can tuck her in and comfort her. Then you can sit in the room for a minute before withdrawing and patiently repeating the process.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is delivering a parenting workshop on Helping Your Children and Teenagers Manage Anxiety and Stress on May 13th, 2025. See solutiontalk.ie
