Question
I would like help for my nine-year-old daughter. Although she is a lovely, clever, kind child, whom we love dearly, she seems to have low self-esteem. She tends to see slights and insults where there are none and compares herself negatively to others. She often runs herself down, saying she is no good at things or worrying that people don’t like her.
This is made worse by our oldest daughter excelling at school and sports, and our nine year old has said she wishes she could be good at everything like her sister.
Myself and my husband try to reassure her that we love her and that she is a good as her sister, but the message does not seem to get through.
Answer
Lots of children and adults suffer from poor self-esteem and it is a lifelong journey to learn to love and accept yourself as “good enough”. Being nine years old, your daughter is at the start of adolescence which brings increased self-awareness and a process of discovering her identity and how she fits in the world.
‘My lovely, clever, kind nine-year-old daughter seems to have low self-esteem’
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Unfortunately, society often narrowly links self-esteem to certain achievements such as academic and sporting performance. Lots of attention is given to how well you are doing in school or a team sport, and the competitive nature of these areas can mean many children feel left out or of lower worth. Frequently, the many other passions that children engage in, such as music, drama, gaming, crafts, etc, do not receive nearly as much attention and so can be perceived as less value by children.
Listen carefully to your daughter
When our children speak negatively about themselves, our natural inclination is to immediately reassure them. Understandably, we don’t want them to be in distress and we want to eliminate these negative feelings. However, sometimes the jump to reassurance can result in the child’s feelings being dismissed or not heard.
As a result, it can be useful to take a pause and to invite your daughter to say more about what she is feeling. You might gently and curiously ask “What makes you say that?” or “What is on your mind when that happens?” Once she talks a little more you might have more information on how to help her and your reassurance might mean more when you give it. You can also encourage your daughter to think through the issues for herself such as exploring what makes her feel happy and what matters most to her.
Encourage your child’s strengths and passions
Good self-esteem flows from appreciating your strengths and engaging in your passions. Take time to help your daughter understand and appreciate her unique qualities and the positive impact she makes. You notice that she is kind and clever and it is great that you see these qualities in her. Make sure to point out to her when you specifically notice her being kind and clever. Being specific, detailed and genuine is the key to getting these messages through to her.
For example, you might say “You were very kind sharing the game with your sister – that is a lovely thing you did.” Find your own words and discover the best way to get this encouragement through to your daughter. In addition, provide opportunities for your daughter to engage in passions and interests that she really enjoys and which give her a sense of achievement. These may be more niche interests outside the traditional sporting and academic arenas.
Managing her feelings about her sister
Though very normal, envy and jealousy are probably the two most difficult feelings to acknowledge within families. Feeling envious that your sister is doing better than you is particularly hard as it makes you question your self-worth in the family. Though rarely spoken, at the heart of sibling jealousy is a worry that “my parents love my sister more than me”.
In response, as parents, you want to communicate in words and actions that you of course love them both equally. The message your younger daughter needs to hear is that you love her no matter what she does or achieves. Your daughter needs to know that you love her uniquely for who she is and not in comparison to her sister.
Provide equal attention to each of your children
Sometimes parents inadvertently provide more time, attention and praise to one child compared with another and this can increase insecurities and low self-esteem. Address this by reflecting with your husband on how much time and attention you provide each of them and whether a new balance needs to be struck.
Practically this might mean:
- Being careful about praising your older daughter about school or sport in front of her sister. Sometimes, it might be better to praise her in private.
- Spending as much time praising and talking about your younger daughter’s achievements and interests.
- Focusing on qualities such as effort, participation, doing one’s best, being a good team member, etc rather than solely achievement.
- Avoiding comparing your children when you talk about them and instead focus on their unique qualities.
- Making sure you spend the same amount of one-to-one time with each of them (eg, taking them to activities, etc).
- Making sure you and your husband both have hobbies and shared interests with each of your children that will nurture your relationship.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See solutiontalk.ie