Shuffle: Four terrible Christmas songs you shouldn't listen to this year

Louisa Johnson - Forever Young
★
Granted, it's one of Dylan's most painfully earnest compositions. And much like To Make You Feel My Love, the lyrics have a Hallmark quality that, truthfully, leave it wide open to this sort of schmaltz, even if the song itself doesn't quite deserve it. But still, this latest – perhaps final? – dropping from Simon Cowell's X Factor Christmas No 1 litter tray must rank as an abomination against all that is right and decent. As a counterbalance, I should mention that the child this song was written about went on to direct the movie American Wedding (aka the sequel in which Stifler "hilariously" eats dog poop.) May your song always be sung, Jesse!

Paul Brasy, Gavin Glass and the Dublin Gospel Choir - Forever Young
★★★
Bizarrely, the brains behind Ireland's highest profile charity song this Christmas have chosen exactly the same song Simon Cowell did. Clearly, the public cannot get too much of the same thing. Brady's version is a hell of a lot more palatable and proceeds to the Irish Youth Foundation. So we won't quibble. iyf.ie

Cassie Ramone - Little Saint
★★★
Nick Burger Records Cassie Ramone's Christmas In Reno album contains a host of deadpan Christmas covers, including a version of Darlene Love's Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) so downbeat, you begin to suspect the narrator would like to spend Christmas alone. Her version of Little St. Nick, however, is so swathed in reverb, it's just about possible to imagine she's having fun.

Michael Buble & Celine Dion - Happy Christmas
★★
This is John Lennon's Merry Xmas (War Is Over), except with that bothersome subplot about preferring peace to war surgically removed. Only on a Michael Buble NBC special would a sentiment like that be too controversial to air at Christmastime. And only Celine Dion's flawless harmonising could leave a person thinking "Oh God, I miss Yoko's singing voice."