IT COULD well be the biggest retirement party of the year. In fact, it might be an idea to start preparing for it right now. For a start, we urge Lord Henry Mount Charles to run out and buy a nifty little carriage clock for the occasion. The sales are still on, so he may get a bargain if he hurries.

The clock can then be produced at the end of what is sure to be an emotional day out by the banks of the Boyne. Choking back the tears, one of the lads in D12, promoter Denis Desmond or Lord Henry himself can step forward at the end of the show to present the clock to Eminem on behalf of the plain people of Ireland.

The man that people who know absolutely nothing about hip-hop call the greatest rapper alive will probably be overcome by the sheer significance of the whole thing and the sight of that little clock. He will then shuffle offstage to the hooting and hollering of the multitudes ranked around Slane Castle.

With a big bag of cash hoisted over his shoulder, Eminem will turn around to take in the view of the adoring multitudes one last time. He may even wipe a tear from his eye. Ladies and gentlemen, Eminem has left the building and he won't be coming back.

The news from Detroit is that Eminem is set to quit releasing best-selling solo albums and stop selling out huge stadiums and arenas around the world. Once his current world tour ends in September - the last show of which is scheduled for Slane - Slim Shady will be giving himself a P45.

This news should really be taken with a massive cellar of salt; the rapper himself and his management have yet to confirm any of the vital details. But they haven't denied the story either (and hopefully they won't do so before you read this). That leaves the way clear for some far-fetched assumptions, wild allegations and tenuous links.

Eagle Star doesn't yet offer any pension plans for rappers, which is why so few of them actually hang up the mic without a struggle. With the exception of Jay-Z, who bowed out at the end of 2002 with The Black Album and fixed himself up sharpish with a day-job running Def Jam, rappers keep rapping until the Grim Rapper tells them to quit their yelping and step this way.

In the case of Eminem, it would seem that he has realised that he doesn't have anything else left to say. In fact, he probably realised this with the release of Encore last year. Naturally, the album sold in large amounts, but it contained nothing long-term Eminem watchers hadn't heard before. The Slim Shady roadshow, which had started out so brilliantly, had stalled in the middle of the road.

When you get to the stage where you're selling millions and millions of albums (and yes, of course, this column knows all about that), you begin to run out of things to be vexed about. You also can't, in all seriousness, start ranting about how terrible it is to be a multimillionaire. As any multimillionaire will tell you if you ask nicely, life's great. You could start eulogising your life on Easy Street, but that's not going to wash with those still stuck on Eight Mile Road.

For Eminem, now is a very good time to head behind the camera and to the other side of the recording studio. He's already shown that he can roll with Hollywood players, and we know he can produce best-selling bangers for other acts like 50 Cent and D12. The only major change is the lack of the limelight, and chances are he will welcome this. You can only be America's Most Wanted for so long until someone new comes along to knock you off your perch.

If Eminem does hang up his mic, don't despair. Given the huge profits he's made for Interscope/Universal, expect another mouthy white rapper to be along within months. And don't be surprised if Eminem himself turns up as that new act's executive producer.