Hello Mr Caesar. I owe you an apology. May I call you Julius? Okay, Mr Caesar it is then. Sorry about that awful business in the forum. I’m reminded of it every March. I’ve been there myself. No, no, not then. A few years ago. I had read the play, by Shakespeare. What? You never heard of him. Of course not. And it’s -speare, not Shakesword.
Yes, it was a terrible betrayal by Brutus. We don’t have to talk about Cassius, that lean and hungry buck. How many times? Ah, 23, some say 33. Shocking, but Mark Anthony spoke so well later.
Yes, I knew he fought alongside you in the Gallic Wars. I read your account at school. No, not in Rome? In Ballaghaderreen. ‘Hard to explain. Look, just take my word for it. There were times then when I wished those awful events on the Ides of March had happened years earlier. (It’s a joke. I know you don’t get it. Ignore. Besides, it’s in bad taste).
The apology. I recently wrote here that Pope Gregory XIII gave us the leap day every February 4th, when it was you. Who was he? A Roman ruler who went much further than yourself – he banished 10 whole days. (In 1582, when October 4th was followed by October 15th). Not even your gods could eliminate time itself. Yes, he was aligning the calendar with the sun, the moon, the stars. Could you meet him? Ah, now...he’s dead.
I feel we’re close now, Meghan, so I can speak freely. The right pitch is crucial in lifestyle hucksterism like yours
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But, about my mistake in this column....it’s not that sort of column. No, neither Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian – it’s one I write. You still have an awful lot of fans out there. They gave me an insight into how you probably felt that March day (BSM)* in the forum surrounded by all those senators with murderous intent. Even letters to the Editor.
Editor? You had Jupiter, we have the “Editor”. So let me say it once and say it loud, “I am sorry Mr Caesar and apologise to all your devoted followers out there, too”. Abjectly. (Any idea where I might find a wife like your Calpurnia?)
Caesar: Roman polymath Pliny derived it from caesaries for “head of hair”, as Julius Caesar was said to have been with a full one. Root of Kaiser and Tsar.
*BSM, before social media.
