When I moved here from New York more than three decades ago, I became the default complainer in restaurants. It wasn’t my choice; others expected me to give out for them. I found it strange that even when an Irish friend’s meal was inedible and the service lacking, they’d say everything was okay: “Fine, grand, lovely, thanks.”
If they wanted to express their dissatisfaction with the food, they’d switch plates with me and try to persuade me to gripe on their behalf. Initially, it was amusing, but then it became annoying. Why couldn’t they just complain themselves? Why was this such a big deal to them?
As I only learned after years working and living here – despite being raised abroad by a mother from Carlow and a dad from Dublin – Irish culture is polite and indirect. Avoiding conflict and saving face is a big part of society and often informs how people communicate, or don’t.
Culturally, we know that our strength comes from togetherness and mutual care. Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireann na daoine: as we live in one another’s shelter. Although we’ve become a more individualistic society in the last 50 years, much of our communalist culture remains in our behaviours and attitudes.
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William Corless, a workplace mediator and coach, says cultural norms follow us into the office. When it comes to conflict at work or anywhere, he says, the Irish approach is to avoid it nearly at all costs.
“We’re a land of a thousand welcomes, so we have to be nice,” he says. “But it has to seep out somewhere.” It finds its way into the post-meeting huddle where people are whispering to one another and asking ‘what was that all about?’ instead of complaining constructively. Then it might grow into gossip, then later into a culture of ‘quiet quitting’ or people leaving. In many cases, this can feel more comfortable than addressing an issue head-on.
Both head-on avoidance and conflict itself can be very expensive, professionally and personally, if not well managed. Data indicate that workplace conflict, interpersonal mistreatment and work-related distress result in hundreds of millions of euros in lost productivity annually, plus direct legal awards and reduced performance and efficiency across Irish organisations.
The estimated overall value of lost productivity due to workplace conflict is €239.3 million, with €187.6 million in the private sector and €51.8 million in the public sector, according to the Value of Lost Productivity from Workplace Bullying in Ireland, a 2020 study by NUI Galway’s John Cullinan, Margaret Hodgins and Victoria Hogan. Across the entire economy, absenteeism from conflict results in approximately 1.42 million missed days in the private sector and 276,473 days in the public sector annually, says the report.
Employees who reported that they were bullied were considerably more likely to report that they were often or always stressed, while bad and very bad relationships between management and staff were also significantly associated with greater stress, particularly for female employees. That’s according to Bullying and Work-Related Stress in the Irish Workplace, a 2019 study from NUI Galway, by the same researchers plus Michael McDermott and Sharon Walsh.
Remote and hybrid working can also increase the potential for conflict as some of the signals we rely on – body language, physical presence – go missing. Corless likens poor communication and conflict to a screen with missing pixels. We fill in the gaps, but sometimes we fill them in the wrong way and we tend to assume negative intent because we are wired to protect ourselves, he says.
Conflict isn’t always bad and, if well managed, constructive disagreement is the sign of an engaged workforce. High-performing teams aren’t those that never fight – they’re the ones who learn to listen to each other and reset the fastest after disagreements.
When there is an issue, managers carry much of the weight in resolving both indirect and direct conflict. Even so, many find there is little organisational, structural support or training to help them address the problem.
Katie Muldoon, author of Mind Your Self: How Leaders can Integrate AI without Disintegrating Humans, says teams should agree the ground rules together before conflict has a chance to arise.
Start with agreeing on principles, not rules. “A principle is: if we were to do the opposite, would it still be reasonable?” she says. We treat each other kindly is a rule, because nobody would argue for the reverse. Whereas saying we meet in person by default is a principle, because there are good reasons to sometimes do otherwise. When someone wants to break a principle, the team already has a shared reference point for that conversation. Leaders can still make the call, she says, but they should explain it and acknowledge the frustration it may cause.
“You might also ask each individual, ‘what are we here to do as a team?’ You may be surprised to find several different answers, and this may be the original root of conflict in the group.”
Consistency is extremely important for team cohesion too. What unsettles teams is unpredictability, says Muldoon, like “the boss who is warm on Monday and furious on Tuesday”.
She suggests managers think through their communication based on a driving analogy – mirror, signal, manoeuvre. Look in the mirror: what does the team need today? Signal the change in tone. Then manoeuvre and explain why. If, for example, the company’s share price has just dropped, you might be focusing on that when in reality people may be worrying about their jobs and not listening to your plan at all.
Rapport pays off when things get heated. If you know a colleague, Muldoon says, you can tell whether difficult behaviour is a state – a bad day – or a trait. “When we don’t know each other, we avoid conflict. And when it goes underneath the surface, it simmers.” It emerges as missed tasks and skipped meetings. Psychological safety matters here too. “A high-performing team doesn’t make fewer mistakes,” she says. “They learn from them quicker because they can talk about it.”
Managing conflict: Top tips:
1. Put formal structures in place for issues like sexual harassment and bullying;
2. Agree team conflict resolution principles and rules from the start. Formal rules are how we work together. Principles can act as guardrails if disagreement arises. Informal structures like weekly team check-ins, shared learning sessions, and one-to-one meetings set us up for success;
3. Repair before resolving: acknowledge the emotions and manage assumptions first so that tensions can decrease and thinking can re-emerge;
4. Determine if it’s a state or trait. Was the engagement you had with someone indicative of a hard day or a character flaw? Someone may just have been having an awful day, so reflect on your assumptions before reacting;
5. Have the courage to speak up. If team members don’t learn how to disagree constructively, then feelings and resentments get pushed down, and this is where real tension simmers. It’s best to speak up and get it resolved early ... and learn how to complain about your own dinner too.
- Margaret E Ward is chief executive of Clear Eye, a leadership consultancy. margaret@cleareye.ie
