I doubt anyone reading this is on my s**tlist, that mental Rolodex of people who have crossed or insulted me and will, mark my words, be made to rue the day. But I bet you have one of your own. Maybe I’m even on yours. Was it something I said? Something I did? Hell, it may even have been something I thought and allowed to show on my face – I’ve never been good at poker.
But neither you nor I will know if we’re on someone else’s carefully curated private list of those who have wronged them – at least not until they finally take their revenge.
Occasionally, someone will come clean about cataloguing these festering office enmities. I was delighted recently to hear a close colleague admit to having her own s**tlist. Because mostly they are secret, as diligently hidden as the unspoken aggression, envy, hurt pride and other unexpressed emotions that lead to us feeling vengeful towards people at work.
And, most of the time, names are probably entered on this invisible roll as a result of petty slights that a healthier psyche would shrug off and forget. My self-image, as I nurse a grievance or polish my resentments, may be that of a snake-haired fury bearing down on her prey in a celestial chariot, but the original crime is unlikely to be of epic proportions.
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Think of the avenging swordsman in The Princess Bride, and his immortal catchphrase: “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” Then adjust the drama and righteous ire down to the level of someone still smarting years after being snubbed at a reception or stood up for lunch.
In my defence (and before one of you calls the police or, worse, HR), let’s make this clear: I do not have an actual document listing sworn foes or any actual plans for revenge. There are no voodoo dolls or images of my enemies affixed to dartboards in my home. A few of you may have progressed that far, but I feel it’s best to draw a line on the right side of obsession.
But humiliations are as common as triumphs in the office. And defending wounded vanity is probably psychologically necessary for repairing amour-propre and carrying on; work can leave the poor old ego pretty knocked about. A little bit of fantasy is useful to even up the score, at least in the imagination.
Some people do behave appallingly. S**tlists are an efficient way of dealing with those who are foul at work because the real wrong-uns are relatively rare – and likely to be in enough people’s bad books that they come a cropper. If you routinely insult, harass or belittle those you deal with professionally you will get noticed for all the wrong reasons. With multiple black marks against your name, retribution may be on its way undramatically, in the form of unanswered calls or politely declined proposals. So far, so ideal, for reinforcing benign social norms.
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When I put this to Naomi Shragai, psychotherapist and author of Work Therapy, she was reassuring. “We all hold these thoughts,” she emailed, “and wait for the right moments to withhold information, spread malicious gossip or ignore in a meeting.”
But she also added a note of caution. Sometimes bearing grudges – even against true miscreants – is damaging. Negative emotions such as anger or disappointment can go underground and end up causing havoc if they emerge as high-drama hostility.
In Work Therapy, Shragai warns that dividing the world up into friends and enemies is a classic psychological tic of the paranoid, who “see potential threats and betrayal everywhere”. Oops.
Perhaps, by definition, we think of ourselves as more sinned against than sinning – especially those of us who have fallen into the habit of making an inventory of workplace beastliness. I’m going to try to rein it in a bit, but that doesn’t mean the snotty, the devious and the condescending should get any ideas. Someone else they’ve crossed will be ready to deliver the karmic payback. – Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2023
