‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me
As I greet her at arrivals after her trip to St Moritz, it’s clear from her face that things haven’t gone well
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly columns
‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’
As head girl of Mount Anville, Honor is leading the sixth-year skiing trip to St Moritz – and turning a tidy profit in the process
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’
After his old dear tells Ross that he has an unknown sibling, Ross raises the topic with his father on New Year’s Eve
Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer
She’s preparing a 15-bird roast for her old pair the week before Christmas, and I can already feel the tension coming off her
The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’
Before she falls asleep in the nursing home, she whispers a secret in my ear
‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’
I’m absolutely sure I wrapped the Christmas lights last year, and didn’t just fock them into the same box
‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’
Honor goes, ‘Don’t worry – it’s just our mother looking for likes from strangers again’
Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’
Honor’s like, ‘You compared me to Donald Trump’
‘When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’
There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage?
‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’
Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks
‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: JP is running the marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, but Honor’s telling runners they’re out of their focking minds
‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’
The old man is depressed about the closure of his favourite restaurant, and Hennessy is looking like a kid whose favourite toy is broken and he’s waiting for a grown-up to fix it for him
JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account
The goys are up in orms that I used to send them chicken feathers anonymously in the post after lousy displays. But I was their captain
‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’
Yeah, no, I’ve badly misjudged this one. She’s actually talking about having another baby
‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’
Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are
The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them
Oisinn is feeling old as he shows up to compere the UCD Iron Stomach Contest, but his exploits in the competition are still legendary on campus 23 years on
‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’
Sorcha is making unfounded allegations that my old man and Honor are in cahoots over the closed-bids system for the school skiing trip
The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve possibly spoiled our daughter over the years, having decided very early on to give her absolutely everything she wants out of fear of the hurtful things she might say to me
A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster
Leo’s teacher stares at me silently. She’s clearly never met a father like me before
‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’
Teenagers are a mystery. You might as well ask why it gets dork at night. Nobody knows
Don’t Look Back in Ongar: Ross O’Carroll-Kelly says an emotional, unexpectedly touching farewell
The plot is farcical on the surface, but the absurdity of Ross’s life cloaks the relatable beneath
Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag
She goes, ‘Are you actually trying to talk me out of taking you back?’
It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th
The kitchen door opens and in they come, Sorcha’s old pair, the two of them with faces as long as an M50 tailback
‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: At a borbecue in Christian’s gaff the cat is thrown out of the bag ... and now I’m in deep merde
How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The vicar-slash-reverend-slash-whatever is joking about that – but not about the baptism part
Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’
My daughter has failed to turn up for community service. ‘Hennessy can’t get you out of every legal scrape,’ I say, an out-and-out lie
‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m reading the epistle from St Paul to – randomly – the Ephesians, when Christian tells me his ex wants to get back together
‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The boss woman in the Protestant church sees through me and presents her test to scare off timewasters
‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’
If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do it
Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’
I assumed she was being sorcastic when she asked for tickets as port of her birthday present
Sorcha goes, ‘You had an erotic dream – about my mom?’
We can’t help what we dream about. I’m on the record as saying her old dear has a face like a roofer’s knee
Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like this
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Whiff of corruption hangs in air as Sorcha hosts ‘end-of-term lunch’ for Mount Anville moms
‘I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha is furious when she discovers that Ross got a tattoo in homage to Leinster’s European Cup achievements
Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. I end up having to turn away
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The results are about to be announced in the election for Head Girl of Mount Anville
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