Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’
The old dear is pretending she doesn’t know who Brett is, in the hopes of scaring him back to the US and as far away from yours truly as possible
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly columns
The old dear is pretending she doesn’t know who Brett is, in the hopes of scaring him back to the US and as far away from yours truly as possible
Sorcha’s friend Claire has opened yet another cafe but this time with a new gimmick: all the staff are ex-offenders
Brett is in bed with a woman he met at the Divorcee Disco when his wife arrives at the front door
It’s the night before the Leaving Cert, and Sorcha wants to have a mother-daughter hort-to-hort
Brett has arrived downstairs for breakfast with a woman named Rowena, and Sorcha is accusing me of corrupting him
Brett, my brother slash half-brother, is clearly impressed by our tales in the pub. The dude can really put the drink away – that’s one thing he inherited from the old dear
My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyone
So, my brother slash half-brother finds out what he missed out on by the old dear giving the dude away
His gaff is the size of the Powerscourt Hotel
We’re in the cor on the way to pick up Brett from the airport and Sorcha’s running me through a few talking points
Everyone just stares at me in silence like people sometimes do when I’ve made them think
Sorcha said we should possibly keep a closer eye on what our kids are up to after watching that TV show that everyone’s banging on about
She's sitting at the piano when I get to the nursing home to interrogate her about my half-brother
I’m actually shaking on the phone to Brett, like Thomond Park used to shake before 2019
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s the annual Paddy’s Day walk with the goys and the kids, and so far it’s not going well
Honor has been caught using ChatGPT and faces being expelled, or at the very least, impeached as head girl
‘They’re clearly not yours,’ I go when she hands me her mock Leaving Cert results
I’m there, ‘I’m here to find out if I have a brother or sister out there?‘ He’s like, ‘All in good time. I haven’t had nearly enough to drink yet'
I’m there to the guy, ‘Fionnuala O’Carroll. You were, like, engaged to her?‘ He looks genuinely terrified
It’s Valentine’s Day (or so she tells me), and Sorcha says she wants to spice things up
The old dear is in the deep end, treading water. I’m like, ‘Hey, how the hell are you?’ She goes, ‘I’m wonderful, Ross! Are you getting in?'
On her wedding day, Tina tells me that Ro calls the day I knocked on their door ‘the luckiest day of his life’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan’s mum, Tina, has a new fiance, but here’s the big shocker – the dude plays rugby
As I greet her at arrivals after her trip to St Moritz, it’s clear from her face that things haven’t gone well
As head girl of Mount Anville, Honor is leading the sixth-year skiing trip to St Moritz – and turning a tidy profit in the process
After his old dear tells Ross that he has an unknown sibling, Ross raises the topic with his father on New Year’s Eve
She’s preparing a 15-bird roast for her old pair the week before Christmas, and I can already feel the tension coming off her
Before she falls asleep in the nursing home, she whispers a secret in my ear
I’m absolutely sure I wrapped the Christmas lights last year, and didn’t just fock them into the same box
Honor goes, ‘Don’t worry – it’s just our mother looking for likes from strangers again’
Honor’s like, ‘You compared me to Donald Trump’
There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage?
Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: JP is running the marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, but Honor’s telling runners they’re out of their focking minds
Crosswords & puzzles to keep you challenged and entertained
How does a post-Brexit world shape the identity and relationship of these islands
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