SIDELINE CUT: When you are leaving Dublin Airport on Friday and it is drizzly and half-empty, try to imagine the reception that will probably await you when you return.
- If you feel like stretching your legs on the way over, walk through economy class for the hell of it. Your might see the ruddy features of non-famous Micks in seats 38E or 27A. Smile at them or give them a jaunty wink. It will make their day.
- Don't strain your neck by leaning forward when the air steward pats your cushion into a fluffier, more pleasing state. It would be a tough injury to explain away. Think of the headlines.
- When you have had your three courses and are reclining in your leather chair at an altitude of 38,000 feet, looking sharp in your regulation FAI fatigues, permit yourself to feel like a lucky bastard.
- Remember the guy you apprenticed with who was sound and pretty decent on the park as well but last you heard was welding for a living.
- Send a postcard to the woman who kept your spirits up in your first digs.
- Beware of the dangers of deep-sea snorkelling in Saipan. We can ill afford to lose a central defender to a great white shark, and even less a striker.
- Take a few minutes to learn a few phrases in the local lingo.
- Try the sushi. Don't dare say that the sweet and sour is better in Sunderland.
- Enjoy the novelty of being taller than most people around you.
- Enjoy Big Niall. Away trips are going to be quieter and more empty when he is gone.
- Don't get carried away in your choice of shaded eyewear. Gucci do not design eyewear with spiky-haired Irish young fellas in mind.
- Brush up on Amhrán na bhFiann.
- On rest days, try to think of something to do that doesn't involve golf clubs.
- Don't belly-flop into the pool. And find out the phrase for "shallow end".
- Slag Roy Keane a bit. It will do everyone good and he will probably respect you more for it. But give yourself a few metres head start just in case.
- Don't give Roy a bad pass.
- If Roy is on a downer, console him with the words, Anata wa haru ichiban no sakura no yomi utsukushii, which translates as "You are as beautiful as spring's first cherry blossom".
- Under no circumstances say to Roy, Anata nohiza ni suwattemo yoroshii desoka? which translates as, "Do you mind if I sit on your lap?"
- Phrases that will mean that your World Cup has taken a turn for the worst should you find yourself uttering them: Biru Kudasai - Beer please. Obenjo wa doko dess kee - where is the toilet? Omawarisa! Chika o taska-meta - Police! Arrest this pervert!
- Don't go for a new World Cup look, like blond highlights or a moustache. It always spells disaster.
- Remember that none of this would have happened without you, Mick McCarthy.
- Also, remember that most Japanese people have never heard a Barnsley accent at full volume, Mick McCarthy. Break them in gently.
- When you are lining up for the national anthem against Cameroon, remind yourself that it doesn't get much better. Think of your parents.
- If you come up against Paolo Maldini again, Jason McAteer, impress him with the enigmatic greeting, Ohisashibure desu ("It's been a long time").
- If you do come up against Maldini again, Jason, do try to nutmeg him again. It was pretty much the best moment of US '94.
- Think back to Macedonia, Jason, and be amazed at the breaks of the game. Know that everyone is delighted for you.
- If we are in dire need of a goal, Shay Given, grimace like Jack Nicholson in The Shining before hoofing the ball as far down the field as you can. It always worked for Packie Bonner. Think of Milford if you happen to save a penalty.
- Be careful with those cartwheel goal celebrations, Robbie Keane. The ground will be hard out there.
- Don't be caught in two minds as to how to celebrate should you score a goal. Go nuts.
- But go nuts with your shirt on.
- Don't sit down around the centre circle before the penalty shoot-out. It is bad luck.
- Don't lose on penalties.
- Do not be surprised if the neutral Japanese fans end up singing, "You'll never beat the Irish".
- If it isn't going well, think of Steve Carr.
- If it isn't going well, think of Dave O'Leary. It can all change in an instance.
- Don't be worried by the fact that you will be (a) the palest and (b) soon the reddest team playing in the World Cup.
- Always offer your opponent a drink from your water bottle during breaks in play. It will soften his attitude towards you as well as aid him in hydration.
- Convince yourself that if you can beat the Dutch, you can beat anyone.
- Shower the travelling Irish fans with warm and sustained applause after games, even if things have gone terribly. Remember most of them had to sell their families to the slave trade to finance the trip.
- If you are giving an interview after games, avoid using the expression "at the end of the day", because it will still be quite early in the morning over here.
- Also, if you are giving an interview, remember that it's not just the guy with the fuzzy mic you are talking to but the whole of Ireland, most of whom will be hanging on to your every word.
- When you are chipping in to tip the driver or the cleaning staff that looked after you for a few weeks, arrive at a contribution you feel to be ludicrously generous. Then double it.
- Dig the scene at the airport, because people will have gone to great efforts to make sure their kid, who has spent the past three weeks pretending to be you in the back garden, gets to see you in the flesh. All too soon, you will be able to walk through Dublin Airport unrecognised. Enjoy the privilege.
- When it's all over and you are back at home with your loved ones, take a solitary second to clap yourself on the back. You played in the World Cup finals and no matter what happens down the line, nobody can take that from you.
