Television commentators just never know when to shut up

TV View: The website Dangerhere.com estimates that during his reign as RTÉ soccer commentator George Hamilton, because of remarks like, "I might be tempting fate but I can't see the Poles scoring. . . . . OH NOOOO, they just have", has been responsible for 87 per cent of the goals conceded by Ireland.

We think they're being a little generous to George - did they, for example, remember to include "that should be no problem for the defence - OH NOOOO!" in their calculations?

Kevin Keegan ("England look the only side who can go on and win this", just before Dan Petrescu scored the winner for Romania at France '98) and Clive Tyldesley ("The England fans will be talking about their 1-0 win over France in Lisbon for many years to come", just before Zinedine Zidane scored twice in three minutes) have, of course, been responsible for roughly 110 per cent of the goals conceded by England over the years, but still none of these telly talkers seem to learn from the error of their fate-tempting ways.

We mention these historical precedents only so we can put Stuart Barnes' performance on Saturday behind the Sky Sports microphone in some context.

Now, far be it for us to claim that we sensed Leinster, in the dying minutes of their European Cup bout, would do unto Bath what Zidane did unto England. We didn't - our lack of faith somewhat influenced by: (a) the statistic that flashed on the screen midway through the second half (possession: Bath 80 per cent, Leinster 20) and (b) the fact that a garden gnome would have got the better of that Leinster lineout on Saturday.

But still we'd have resisted effectively banjaxing Bath's hopes of staying in the European Cup if we'd been Barnes, he being Bath's beloved and legendary former outhalf.

"It's kindergarten stuff against the Men of Bath," he said of the technical hitches experienced by the Leinster lineout, before noting that "Bath have COMPLETE control" and "that might be the last mini-storm that Bath have to weather" when Shane Horgan was halted in the 75th minute near the line.

(Are you beginning to detect a fate-tempting theme here?)

"Even if Leinster beat Treviso next week to qualify," he started, going on to suggest that even reaching the last eight might prove tricky for Leinster because of those lineout calamities. . . before being rudely interrupted by David Holwell charging down a kick and scoring a try.

"A very fortunate bounce for the Kiwi," he said. "That charge down wasn't luck," said Miles Harrison, who was beside him. They agreed to differ. Just.

No panic. Time was almost up. Which is probably why Malcolm O'Kelly didn't hang about before scoring the winning try. Harrison almost fell out of the gantry, the silence from Barnes was - and we're honestly not exaggerating - deafeningly, piercingly, ear-splitting.

"It wasn't magic, they got the luck," he said, when he finally surfaced, although his words were almost drowned out by Molly Malone. If, at that moment, Barnes had laid his eyes on sweet Molly he'd have wheeled his wheelbarrow over her face.

"How did they do that, then?" Simon Lazenby asked Scott Quinnell, Dewi Morris and Michael Lynagh back in the studio. They shook their heads.

"Damned if we know," was the implication from the mass outbreak of shoulder-shrugging. "They pulled an extremely large rabbit out of a very small hat," Lazenby concluded, before turning his attention to the next European Cup tie of the day, Munster v Ospreys.

"Taking their foot off the gas is okay, but I don't think there was any gas to take their foot off," said an unimpressed George Hook at full-time, after Munster had unconvincingly walloped their Welsh visitors.

Now, that sounded like a fair enough assessment to us, but, according to Pat Spillane on RTÉ's The Sporting Year, not everyone acknowledges George's wisdom.

"They know when he's talking shite," he said, reporting the comments of a Limerick rugby supporter, "his lips move".

The maltreatment of our darling George didn't stop there. Ted Walsh told him not to be "talking tripe" when - in the heat of a 'it's not the competing that matters, it's the feckin' winning that feckin' counts' debate - he said "take winning out of sport and you reduce the Grand National to meaningless four-legged horses over fences".

Eamon Dunphy recoiled, aghast at the intemperate, immoderate and hot-headed views expressed by his fellow panellists. All of whom looked even more astounded when Ted declared: "All sports are being analysed far too much by bolloxes like us."

Cripes. Talk about asking for a P45. Talk about turkeys voting for Christmas.