TV View: Even Fifa graphics can’t keep up with Brian Kerr’s brain

There were those who might have argued that the World Cup would only truly begin once Spain and Portugal took to the field for their Group B cracker, but it actually sprang to life that moment Brian Kerr sat down in his co-commentary position for the game between Iran and Morocco, among the highlights that followed that moment Noureddine Amrabat was “banjoed” by an Iranian shoulder.

By the time Kerr was done analysing the two line-ups, we knew more about, say, Morteza Pouraliganji and Moubarak Boussoufa than we knew about ourselves, the only information he neglected to share was the identity of Reza Ghoochannejhad’s milkman.

He was even able to question the accuracy of Fifa’s graphic showing the two teams’ formations. “I’m not sure that’s actually how they’ll line up – Ziyech will be in a more advanced position, the three in the middle, El Ahmadi, Boussoufa and Belhanda, they’ll run the game for Morocco,” he told us. Some of us nodded like we knew this already.

Iran? “That’s showing them lining up with a back three, I’m not sure about that – Hajsafi and Amiri have both played at left-back for their clubs,” he added, and when the game kicked off it was Kerr 1, Fifa Graphics 0.

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We thought the sound we heard was Adrian Eames purring in approval, but it was actually the Vuvuzelas in the stadium, leaving the audience hoping that the person who allowed them through customs en route from South Africa will spend some time in a Gulag.

Extravagant tumbling

Come full-time Liam Brady and Richie Sadlier sported the faces of men who knew they would never get back the 90 minutes plus added time they had spent watching the game, the only entertainment of note in that second half the somewhat extravagant tumbling of players who’d barely been brushed. “He didn’t shoot him or knife him but he’s gone down as if he was battered,” said Brian when Haji Safi collapsed to the floor like he’d been, well, battered, while Rezaeian’s offering had him suggesting that if the Iranian was a gymnast “he’d be awarded a 10”.

We were heading for a 0-0 when Aziz Bouhaddouz scored with a bullet of a header, an effort that would be a goal of the tournament contender if it hadn’t been in the wrong net. “He’s murdered his own team,” said Brian.

Difficult relationship

Back on ITV, Ryan Giggs tried to look happy for Iran gaffer Carlos Queiroz, but it was hard, not least because he’d already shared a story that explained why he’d had an iffy relationship with the one-time assistant to Fergie at United.

“My first training session with him, he turns to me and says ‘Giggs, I want you to do this’ . . . I said, ‘Listen mate, it’s Giggsie or Ryan.’ So we didn’t get off to a great start.”

Eniola Aluko and Slaven Bilic sat staring at Giggsie, evidently trying really, really hard to compute the fact that his iffy relationship with Carlos stemmed from Carlos calling him by his actual name.

Some time later, Slaven suggested you can’t truly be regarded as world class unless you’ve “done it on the World Cup stage”. Giggsie nodded. Eniola looked at him in a “why are you nodding, you’ve just been burned” kind of way, but Giggsie was probably still thinking back to that painful day when he was addressed as “Giggs”, the hurt evidently searing.

Anyway, it was the second game of the day that was decided by a late, late goal, Uruguay having earlier left Egyptian hearts in smithereens with an 89th minute winner.

Montage

The BBC had opened its coverage with a very lovely montage of Mo Salah at his sublime best, followed by Gary Lineker telling us he wasn’t actually in Egypt’s starting line-up. “No Salah, no Mo, big blow to lose their Phara-oh,” he said. Phil Neville looked at him very blankly.

Luis Suarez also featured in that montage, incidentally, and went on to have a ‘mare. “He looks like he’s towing a caravan,” as Martin Keown noted. Keep an eye on this BBC montage curse, it could run and run.

Jermaine Jenas was puzzled by Suarez’s off-colour display, reckoning that he doesn’t have “confidence issues, he’s maybe just lacking self belief”, an observation that left the BBC’s audience asking “What?”

Some time later. Spain v Portugal. Now we’re whistling. Two words. Dee and Licious. Heads? Banjoed by the drama.