All in the Game: Sorry Dirk Kuyt, there’s a new Sheriff in town

Sheriff prove their worth

August: ‘’I know the Champions League is a tournament for champions but teams like Sheriff Tiraspol have nothing to do in the Champions League.’’ Former Dutch international Dirk Kuyt.

Last Tuesday: “It was a great player, Dirk Kuyt, who said there is no place in the Champions League for Sheriff, so I’m very happy to destroy his perfect world.”

Sheriff Tiraspol manager boss Yuriy Vernydub after his Moldovan minnows won 2-1 away to Real Madrid to make it two wins out of two and leave them top of their Champions League group.

Perfect.

TV View: Roy, Micah and Graeme do their bit for the planet with Game Zero

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All in the Game: Pudding’s off the menu since Ronaldo’s return

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All in the Game: A tale of two Tolands as Cate looks North

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TV View: It’s. Just. Not. Fair – Ronnie Whelan and Ali Daei rail against cruelty of it all

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Kids twist the knife on MUTV

As Roy Keane discovered back in the day, MUTV, Manchester United’s very own television channel, isn’t exactly a place for frank discussions about the performances of the team or individual players. Let’s just say, they like to put a positive spin on matters, even if there isn’t a whole lot to be positive about.

On Saturday, in the aftermath of that 1-1 draw with Everton at Old Trafford, MUTV presenter Sam Homewood was having a chat with Alex Bruce in a room full of United fans when two little fellas approached the pair. Sam made a schoolboy error - he asked them what they thought of the game.

“Ole out,” replied the first.

Sam, no doubt, would have hoped for a more upbeat message from the second lad. But:

“Same here, Ole out, Sancho’s crap.”

“I’ll be honest,” said Sam, “I expected better from children - that’ll teach me.”

It might well be #SamOut of MUTV after this.

Word of mouth

"It was like Caesar entering Rome after victory. I came, I saw, I conquered." Alex Ferguson losing the run of himself while talking about Cristiano Ronaldo's second Manchester United 'debut' against Newcastle.

"We have to put our fingers up our asses and do a lot more work." Saint-Etienne midfielder Wahbi Khazri suggesting a solution for the team's run of eight games without a win since the start of the season.

"We all have our jobs to do in life. James Bond has to save the world and I have to help Liverpool from time to time. I would be a very bad James Bond. If I walked out of the water in swim shorts, that would be the moment the whole world would switch off." Jurgen Klopp ruling himself out of the running to succeed Daniel Craig as 007.

"It can only be a misunderstanding. When I saw it, I thought maybe Reece goes with the water polo team for England as right now he trains in the pool." Thomas Tuchel on Reece James' inclusion in the latest England squad despite still recovering from an ankle injury.

Quote of the week

"It's not easy to have a good relationship with him. He is never relaxed, he thinks about football all the time. I think at home he puts his wife on the couch as if she were a player on the pitch." - Manchester City old-boy Danilo on Pep Guardiola bringing his work home.

Number of the week

0 - That's how many former Republic of Ireland players will be managers in England's top four divisions if struggling Cardiff dispense with Mick McCarthy's services. A big blank.

Harry Kane bog roll

‘Kane In The Bum,’ read The Sun headline, to which you could only ask, ‘what?’ It referred to news that Harry Kane’s company ‘HK28’ has filed documents with the British Government’s Intellectual Property Office in an effort to “protect his name and fame for future commercial use”.

Perfectly normal, and common, of course, but less common is the list of products The Sun say Kane has applied to trademark.

“It includes thousands of items including cosmetics, games, food, booze, jewellery, clothing and electrical equipment. [HE WILL ALSO]launch his own brand of loo rolls [AND]hopes to make wads of cash from whips, nail varnish and toothpaste”.

Toilet paper, whips and nail varnish, with Harry’s mug on the packaging? The mind is boggling.