Soccer

All in the Game: Grand Canyon doesn’t catch Sean Dyche’s eye

Quote of the week, comeback of the week and Ronaldo gets taken down by virologist

Burnley manager Sean Dyche was decidedly unimpressed by the Grand Canyon. Photo: Alex Livesey/POOL/AFP via Getty Images

Mary Hannigan's face
Mary Hannigan
Mon Nov 2 2020 - 06:00

The West Brom players who made up the squad that visited China in 1978 with their manager Ron Atkinson have always insisted that the stories from the trip have grown in the telling, but when he spoke to the Guardian a couple of years ago, Brendan Batson, a member of the squad, confirmed that the old chestnut about the Great Wall of China was, indeed, true.

“A camera crew was following the team for a BBC documentary and when they got to the wall, John Trewick and Mick Martin were asked for their first impressions. ‘Well, I’ve bent balls round bigger walls than this,’ said Martin. ‘When you’ve seen one wall, you’ve seen ‘em all, haven’t you?’ said Trewick.”

All of which came to mind on reading an interview in The Athletic with Burnley assistant manager Ian Woan about his foreign trips with gaffer Sean Dyche. How impressed was Dyche when they visited the Parthenon in Athens? “We got up there and I’m thinking, ‘This is going to be amazing’,” said Woan. “Literally we were back in the minibus after five minutes.”

And the Grand Canyon? “We got to this incredible place. Sean looked over the rim for two minutes, and said, ‘Alright I’ve seen it, let’s go’. ‘I said to him, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me?’ He just looked at me and said, ‘I’ve seen it, what else have I got to see? I’m just looking at this big hole.’

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When you’ve seen one Grand Canyon, you’ve seen them all.

Quote of the week

“Messi is a magician, he’s the Harry Potter of soccer and when he stops playing, I’m throwing my TVs away. I’m going to watch Netflix, that’s it, because when he stops there’s nothing else to watch.” - Former Italian international Christian Vieri, dreading life after Lionel.

By the numbers

60: That’s the birthday Diego Maradona celebrated on Friday. What pressie did he want? “I dream of being able to score another goal against England - this time with the right hand.” Rascal.

Comeback of the Week

We had three contenders. The first was leading Italian virologist Roberto Burioni for his reply to Cristiano Ronaldo after the Juve man declared that the Covid test that found him positive was “bullshit”.

“Allow me to welcome our new colleague Cristiano Ronaldo to the ranks of the virologist community,” Burioni tweeted. “He’ll be very handy when we play the optometrists at five-a-side.”

Second, Didi Hamann for his response to poor old Jamie Carragher after Liverpool scored the 10,000th goal in their history against Midtjylland in the Champions League.

Carragher: “Delighted to have played my part in getting LFC to 10,000 goals.”

Hamann: “Own goals count too?”

But our award goes to tweeter @JFayTheYY, for this reply to Rangers fan Garry Carmody.

Carmody: “The last time Celtic won a match, people in Glasgow were still allowed to visit pubs.”

JFayTheYY: “The last time Rangers won a trophy you could smoke in pubs.”

Back of the net.

Word of mouth

“I think he is very pleased with the level of organisation we have in the club. Probably he is not used to it.” - José Mourinho being a touch rude about Real Madrid while talking about how Gareth Bale is settling in at Spurs.

“He looked me up and down and said ‘you are in good shape!’ Then he punched me in the stomach. It was hard as well. But that’s what he was like, very dominating. He would be a nightmare now with social distancing. He would be right up in your face.” - Ryan Giggs reflects fondly on his first meeting with Louis van Gaal.

“The virus challenged me and I defeated it. But you are not Zlatan. Do not challenge the virus. Use your head, respect the rules.” - Eh, Zlatan.

“Eric’s obviously got a fantastic agent.” - Peter Crouch trying to figure out how his former Stoke City team-mate Eric Choupo-Moting ended up playing for Paris Saint-Germain and then Bayern Munich.

“I would have liked to have made eleven.” - José Mourinho on being asked why he made four substitutions at half-time in the Europa League defeat by Royal Antwerp. Peeved, then.

“Dogs bark but the caravan moves on.” - An unbowed Karim Benzema’s response to criticism of him instructing Ferland Mendy not to pass to their team-mate Vinicus Junior during last week’s Champions League game (“Brother don’t play to him. On my mother’s life. He is playing against us”).