Expressions Oozing was buzzing when Sky Sports News bumped in to him in Bilbao on Wednesday afternoon. They had been on the hunt for celebrity supporters in the Spanish city for the bulk of the day, so when they found the Spurs-loving influencer they had, apparently, succeeded in their quest. No, some of us had never heard of him either, and wondered if his parents might have been a bit tipsy when they named him, but, no matter, he was very, very excited.
While he had waited 17 years to see his team win a trophy - “babies are born, get their national insurance card and a job in that time” - he was confident that the drought was about to end.
But equally hopeful was the man in the United fan-zone who, sensibly, was downing plenty of liquid on a hot day. “Ribbon Amrim shwill take uz to the plomished land,” he reassured the reporter, while jabbing the sky in a menacing manner before, possibly, falling over.
The two lads’ enthusiasm was a nice antidote to all that rudeness from some folk about this Europa League final, them pointing out that the 16th and 17th placed sides in the Premier League had, between them, won six points less than Liverpool. And that because 81 teams made it in to the Champions League or its qualifiers this season, that meant Wednesday’s winners would be the 82nd best cup team in Europe.
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In short, they were trying to suggest that this game would be contested between two sides of a less than elite quality.
TNT Sports were, largely, having none of that negativity, although Paul Scholes hinted at it - “we’re a bit snobby about the Europa League” - and our host Lynsey Hipgrave suggested that the losers would complete “an historically dire season”.
The rest of their crew, though, was much more buoyant, Rio Ferdinand even reckoning that the victors would celebrate “like they’d won the World Cup”. In other words, put that in your pipe and smoke it, cynics.
Hats off, incidentally, to TNT whose squad was almost as big as the finalists, Rio, Gareth Bale, Dimitar Berbatov, Paul Scholes, Glenn Hoddle, Robbie Savage, Owen Hargreaves and Ally McCoist working for them in Bilbao, not to mention Lynsey, Darren Fletcher, Jules Breach, Danny Jamieson, etc. Britain’s unemployment rate fell by 4.3 per cent in one night.
Team news? Well, to be honest, it explained why United and Spurs are 16th and 17th in the Premier League.
Lynsey: “What kind of game are we going to get? Edgy and cagey, or utter carnage?”
Rio: “I’m hungry for carnage! I want mayhem! I want jeopardy!”
Game time. And all Rio’s dreams came true in that opening spell, there was a ton of carnage/mayhem/jeopardy. Only from the defences and goalies, though. But, alas, neither set of forwards possessed the actual ability to take actual advantage of the actual carnage/mayhem/jeopardy.
Darren: “It’s a game that needs a spark.”
Ally: “Aye.”
The spark came from Luke Shaw, his goal igniting the game. In to the wrong net, mind, and there would have been those who would have suggested that that would have been a fitting decider for this particular final. Brennan Johnson claimed the goal, though, but our TNT people insisted it belonged to poor Luke.
“He could do nothing about it,” said Darren, sympathetically. “Emmmmm,” said Ally, thinking maybe he could have desisted from putting the ball into his own net.
Half-time. Rio was deflated. Gareth was… well, Gareth never gets too high or low, he’s probably just thinking about his next round of golf, but he was chuffed for Spurs. Just the 45 minutes away from becoming the 82nd best cup team in Europe.
“What do United need to do,” asked Lynsey. “Play the ball forward,” said Rio. How is this man not a manager?
Second half. Rasmus Højlund almost equalised, ‘almost’ being Rasmus Højlund’s middle name, United ramping up the pressure, even playing the ball forward at times. Ruben Amorim, who was 39 when he took the United job in November and is now 65, played his trump cards, bringing on Joshua Zirkzee and Alejandro Garnacho, but to zero avail.
On the game crawled. And then: all over. United ended up being a bit Spursy, Ribbon Amrim’s quest to take them to the plomished land still a work in progress. Spurs? They’ve one more trophy than Arsenal in 2024-2025, no wonder they celebrated like they’d won the World Cup. Expressions Oozing with pure ecstasy.
