It was one minute past midday when Sky reporter Shingi Mararike brought the news from Anfield that banjaxed every Manchester United devotee’s new year. “The game is going ahead,” he beamed, “football fans will be very, very happy”. “Maybe not Man U fans,” newsreader Saima Mohsin interjected, although they wouldn’t have heard her barb, too busy were they in their back gardens blowing snow clouds in the direction of Liverpool.
It wasn’t just the pitch and the stadium that the powers-that-be had been concerned about, said Saima, “but the safety of all those travelling for the match”, not to mention the welfare of a United defence that had conceded 11 goals in its previous four games, none of which featured Mo Salah.
Gary Neville did his best to make the pitch unplayable by shovelling snow on to it as Jamie Carragher tried to clear it, Gary having earlier wondered out loud if United could do a Sunday League job and not turn up because the roads were iffy.
Roy Keane, meanwhile, had the look of a man who was anticipating the game much like he might a lads’ night out with Jason McAteer and Jonathan Walters, David Jones hardly lightening his mood by showing him United’s run of results under Ruben Amorim, which were Sunday League-esque.
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“Have they hit rocket bottom,” Jones asked.
“No,” said Roy, “there could be worse to come.”
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Those, then, were the morale levels as kick-off approached, but if you ever doubted that notion that football can be funny: United led 0-0 at half-time.
Their man of the match at that stage was undoubtedly Trent Alexander-Arnold who – how do we put this? – was having an absolute ‘mare, even managing to make Diogo Dalot look like Paolo Maldini.
“There’s talk of him going to Real Madrid,” said Roy, “the way he’s defending he’s going to Tranmere Rovers after this.” Daniel Sturridge inserted his face in his hands, but he couldn’t disagree, ensuring there’ll be no welcome for him or Roy in Prenton Park any time soon.
Second half. “It’s a miracle,” bellowed the Boy Gary when United only went and scored, Lisandro Martinez finding his inner Ryan Giggs to nigh on pierce the roof of Alisson’s net. “They’ve been a disaster, today they’ve been absolutely delightful,” he swooned as Jamie turned a whiter shade of pale on witnessing United’s first goal at Anfield in six years.
Granted, Liverpool then scored twice, which somewhat altered the trajectory of the game, but then: Amad. “MANCHESTER UNITED ARE NOT GOING AWAY,” Peter Drury suggested, Gary emitting one of those sounds that sends the dog running upstairs and leaves the Broadcasting Complaints Commission inundated with vulgarity-outrage.
Then Harry Maguire had a chance for glory. But. You know.
No matter, as Gary put it when he descended from the heavens and the gantry to join the lads in the studio, United “fully deserved their victory”. Jamie politely pointed out that the game had finished 2-2, but it felt very much like a victory for Gary, who possibly called to mind Rod Studd’s observation about Luke Littler during the World Darts Championship: “It’s like trying to restrain a bucking bronco armed with a ball of string.”
No, no clue either, but you sensed the gist was that Luke was an unstoppable runaway train, much like Liverpool have been this season, while United had yet to leave the station.
Bruno Fernandes beat off Alexander-Arnold to the official man of the match award, Sky’s graphic suggesting he’d had the mother of all games by winning 13 of his 11 duels. After Bruno’s chat with Patrick Davison, Ruben stepped up for a natter and all you could observe, really, was that he was 39 when he arrived at the club and he’s now 64.
As Rod said of the challenge of winning even a leg against Luke, “it can gnaw away like a maggot in an apple”. Amorim is evidently that apple.
His chances of silverware this season? Hmm. Maybe less than Luke’s. “It’s a heavy trophy, isn’t it,” said Sky’s Emma Paton as Luke attempted to hoist his PDC cup in to the air. “Not that you’ve held it.” “Cheers Emma,” said her poor old panellist Mark Webster. Sport? Cruel.
