All in the Game: Tony Cascarino’s fake dilemma over his chicken chow mein

Back in April we mentioned a tweeting person by the name of @shornKOOMINS whose entirely made-up Frank Lampard quote was reported as, well, real by a very serious English newspaper. (“I am not a Tory. I have voted Tory all of my life and I agree with their policies, their take on issues in society, but I am not a Tory…,” Frank never said).

A couple of weeks back he was at it again, tweeting a supposed text Ryan Giggs had sent his ex-partner: “It blows my mind that your surname is Greville. It rhymes with Neville, who is one of my besties, and Breville, which is my favourite toastie maker. It’s things like this that make us so special.” How many papers reported this too? Lots.

Last week? “A solemn Tony Cascarino is broadcasting on Talksport,” he tweeted. Who better to cover this historic event. Cascarino said: “I had a Chinese delivered just moments after the announcement [that the Queen had died]. It felt wrong and very disrespectful to eat it, so as a mark of respect I threw it in the bin.”

“All the starving people in the world and you threw a meal away — that’s disrespectful,” said one response. And: “Surely it would have been more respectful to put it in the freezer and to re-heat it tomorrow?”

What has David Nucifora ever done for Irish rugby?

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But did any media fall for it? Well, yes — the Daily Mail, for one, and a website that wrote: “While Cascarino’s shock is in keeping with the feelings of millions living in the UK, the decision to throw out his chicken chow mein seems a little unnecessary.” Indeed.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I am never controversial with referees, I have great respect for them. But the red card was fair — I called him an asshole.”

Sampdoria coach Marco Giampaolo, eh, respecting the ref’s decision to send him off during the defeat to AC Milan.

NUMBER OF THE WEEK

487: That’s how many million euro agents “earned” during the summer transfer window, around 10 per cent of the total value of player sales. Bonkers? Yes.-

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WORD OF MOUTH

“I don’t expect [Luciano] Spalletti to get Ndombele to walk on water, but if he at least manages to get him swimming it’d be an extraordinary success.” — How excited is Paolo Di Canio about Napoli signing Tanguy Ndombele on loan from Spurs? Not very.

“Anthony Gordon hasn’t done enough by any means to go for that sort of money. Chelsea already have lots of those skinny, knicky-knacky front players.” — Brian Kerr on Chelsea’s attempt to buy the skinny knicky-knacky Everton youngster for a gobsmacking £60 million.

“Ronaldo on the bench continues to hurt my eyes. Is it because he’s so bad or has he become a dick?” — Former Dutch international Wim Kieft (the Euro 88 lad) wondering out loud about the fate of Cristiano Ronaldo.

The deal that got away

Rayo Vallecano’s efforts to sign Espanyol striker Raul de Tomas during the transfer window seemed to be going fine until Vallecano president Martin Presa and the player’s agent had a small disagreement.

According to ESPN, Presa accused the agent of not acting in the player’s best interests, an accusation that wasn’t well received. Presa, wearing a bandage on his nose, explained to Spanish TV that he was then the victim of “a completely unexpected headbutt”.

“It was the action of criminal, a very cowardly and a very shitty action. Because if he gave me a warning, then we fight.”

“The transfer window closed without a deal being agreed,” ESPN told us. Well, yeah.

A tribute to the queen

Most unusual tribute paid to the queen by a former footballer: We’ll go with the one filmed by Arsenal old-boy Ray Parlour in which he made and drank a Cobra Bomb (a Cobra lager mixed with a shot of Jagermeister) in her honour.

“I’m sure she didn’t drink Cobra Bombs,” he said, without being entirely sure. “What a great, great lady she is. Good luck to King Charles — all the best Charles, hope it goes well. If it’s your birthday as well this weekend, happy birthday. So I’m going do a Cobra Bomb for the Queen. Even if she don’t like Cobra I’m sure she’ll be looking down, hopefully, and saying ‘oh, thanks Ray, I really appreciate that’. Seventy years on the throne, unbelievable.”

The he made his Cobra Bomb, held it aloft, said “to the Queen, rest in peace!” And then downed it in one.

It was, eh, emotional.