Sky puts in that Extra effort to alienate the viewers

TV View: For Champions League and cross-sea football watchers the season is ebbing, forlornly, away, fading over the horizon that some call the summer, that others call that bit of the year that is unnecessarily and irritatingly long and interferes with the normal flow of things.

"But we're not finished yet, not by a long way," said Sky Sports' Richard Keyes, sensing his viewers' despondency after Saturday's FA Cup final. "Tomorrow," he said breathlessly, digging deep to offer some solace, "Burscough v Tamworth in the FA Trophy final, kick-off 4.05."

Tremendous. Batten down your frenzy-threshold hatches, Cedric. Indeed, one wondered, how did Padraig Harrington manage to maintain his concentration in Germany yesterday when he knew that, at the precise moment he was teeing off in the play-off against Thomas Bjorn, Burscough and Tamworth were about to leave their dressing-rooms at Villa Park for the biggest match of their lives, and possibly the smallest in ours? It's a credit to him.

No offence intended to the men of Burscough and Tamworth, but this remote control wanted to see Harrington win the Deutsche Bank Open, not least because this remote control had been through the mill all morning and most of the afternoon with this exceedingly lovely sporting man and felt it had earned the right to see him triumph, live.

Sunday's telly diary entries: Sky Sports. Final round. Padraig. First hole. Live. Shot dropped. Turned away. Build-up to Austrian Grand Prix. Turned back. Padraig in rough. Turned away. Turned back, some time later. Padraig had picked up three birdies.

Over to Network Two for build-up to Roscommon v Galway. Back again. Another birdie in our absence. Turned away. Turned back. "Ooooooh - how did that stay out?" Turned away. Turned back. "Ooooooh - around the lip and out." Turned away. Trend developing. Watch: ball stays out. Don't watch: ball drops.

The 18th green. A birdie putt to win tournament. Watch live. Ball bobbles, stutters, stumbles, wipes feet, does Highland fling and grinds to halt, some distance from hole. Lengthy par putt to force play-off. Only one thing for it: turn away.

Austrian Grand Prix (you're not going to believe this, but Michael Schumacher won). Turn back. Just in time to see Harrington exultant. Just in time to hear Ewen Murray. "What a putt, what guts." Play-off.

"A sensational play-off and dramatic conclusion in prospect here in Germany," said the Sky Sports voice, whipping us into a golfing frenzy. "Two of the greatest players on the European tour going head-to-head over extra holes, it's sudden death in the Deutsche Bank SAP Open of Europe." Suuuuperb! "Coverage continues now on Sky Sports Extra."

Pardon? Come again? Sorry? Hello? Sky Sports Extra? As in the channel that's available only to digital subscribers? As in "we've watched Pawd-raig in the Deutsche Bank for four days and just when it gets terrifically juicy you take it off air so you can free up Sky Sports 1 (which we've already flippin' paid for) for the FA Trophy final between (again, no offence) Burscough and bloody Tamworth"? The Deutsche Bank play-off? So good you must pay twice? Well, thank you lots, Sky Sports.

Plan B: Page 331, Ceefax. Bjorn. Shots played: three. Green: 10 feet. Harrington. Shots played: two. Green: 35 feet. Harrington. Shots played: three. Green: five feet. Bjorn. Shots played: four. Green: two feet. Harrington. Shots played: four - cup-in.

What? It's at times like this that all those years of watching anything but golf on telly, even FA Trophy finals, come back to haunt you. Cup-in? Is that a good or a bad thing? Ceefax? Dum de dum de dum . . .

"Padraig Harrington wins at first extra play-off hole."

Hallelujah, praise the Lord of Cup-ins.

And praise Sky Sports, in absolutely no sense at all. Bet your viewing figures for Burscough v Tamworth amounted to considerably less than those for Ceefax, Page 331, at 4.05 yesterday. Lousers.

And what about Network Two's ratings for the second half of Galway v Roscommon? If they were less than Burscough v Tamworth's figures they can blame Pat Spillane.

Half-time. "If I was at home watching this I'd put on the video recorder and I'd be checking to see if Buffy the Vampire Slayer was on the other channel."

Speaking of blunt talkers: Colin Montgomerie. He and a host of other Deutsche Bank competitors were asked some tricky questions by Sky Sports' Robert Lee yesterday. E.g.: would they prefer Heidi Klum or Claudia Schiffer? Monty?

"Well, having had dinner with Claudia Schiffer. Heidi Klum."

Ow.