Rules that lead to 'Rejoice! We have conquered'

ATHLETICS:Classic rules based on common sense for the gruelling test of human endurance that is the marathon

RECENTLY DISCOVERED near the historic battle site at Marathon, carved into crumbling stone tablets, these ancient rules – which happened to number 26.2 – are believed to have been written by a close acquaintance of Pheidippides, the army messenger who first made famous the now classic test of human endurance. Remarkably, these rules seem as relevant for Monday’s Dublin Marathon as when written in 490 BC, or 2,501 years ago.

1If you are going to take big steps then start with small steps. This obviously means it's better to start out easy, and as the Dublin Marathon is live on TV this year, definitely avoid those who will inevitably sprint off, waving foolishly at the cameras, etc. Where will they be at the finish?

2Apply not overly liberally the garlic rub and olive oil. For the modern runner this means go easy on the Deep Heat and Tiger Balm and other commercial muscle rubs, which we all know stink like hell.

3Select carefully the most worn and suitable garments. There's no doubt what this means, although it's amazing how many people still under-dress or over-dress for the marathon. Definitely don't do a Brett Henderson, who ran last month's Cincinnati Marathon completely naked, yet was soon corralled by police using a stun gun, and given a one-year probation.

4Neglect at your peril the forces of Mother Nature. The forecast for Monday is not great, with wind and showers likely, although the danger is not so much the running as it is the waiting around for the start, which is where the black bag trick comes in.

5Those who are not good servants will not be good masters. If you have a race plan or tactic of any sort then it's better to stick with it, and not stick with a friend or rival you happen to come across on the day.

6Remember, it's not the distance that kills, it's the pace. Funny, Noel Carroll, who helped start the Dublin Marathon, always said something similar, and he knew what he was talking about too.

7Better to lighten the load than spoil the weight. I hope this means you'll have the sense to leave the iPod at home, although this could also refer to Amber Miller, who just two weeks ago ran the Chicago Marathon while nine months pregnant. A few miles from the finish she went into labour, yet kept running, and just hours after crossing the line gave birth to daughter June. Holy Mother of God!

8All runners are by nature equal, and by nurture different. This explains why the Kenyans will be nearly finished on Monday before some of you have even started, but let them off – unless you too live in the mountains and ran several miles to and from school.

9The future will soon be a thing of the past. This could mean a number of things, including those dreaded mile-markers, which after nine miles, will remind you there's still another 17 miles to go. Remain positive, and think every mile done is one less to do.

10Politeness gives strength to ourselves and inspires good action in others. This probably means if you need to spit, vomit or fart at any stage in the marathon it's better to move to the side or back of the group.

11Beware of any residual vanity. Most people start out with a confident smile but the first 10 miles usually wipes it off the face, so prepare to start grimacing.

12If we do well, let us be silent; if we do badly, let us laugh. You've run 12 miles, and you're not even halfway home yet, so if you're feeling fine then don't get cocky, and if you're hurting just embrace the pain.

13Modesty is not necessarily a virtue. This one is quite vague, although I suspect means under no circumstances should you allow yourself be passed by anyone wearing a water belts, or carrying a mobile phone.

14Always give right of way to traffic coming from behind. If the legs are starting to buckle around 14 miles then make sure you're aware of the runners feeling that bit better behind you, and allow them to pass, before giving an imaginary two-finger salute.

15Knowledge is the understanding of when to keep going and when to quit. I know from experience that 15 miles is when the body first starts crying stop, but ignore it, because if you've come this far, there's no turning back now.

16Better a little which is well done, than a great deal imperfectly. It's around 16 miles that thoughts of dropping out might actually arise, and no harm. But don't be tempted to cheat and spoil it all. Rob Sloan succumbed in last month's Northumberland Marathon, when he completed the last six miles on the bus. Stupidly, he still ran across the finish line, and was initially awarded third place, before the truth inevitably came out in the end.

17If one neglects the aqua stations one walks lame to the end. Indeed, if you've either missed or simply ignored the water stops by mile 17 then prepare to start paying the high price. It's too late now, the body is in meltdown.

18Forget your experiences and experience something you'll never forget. No one feels good at 18 miles into a marathon and that's all part of the deal, and what's going to make it so rewarding in the end.

19Image is not always everything. Again, a little vague, but if you plan on wearing sunglasses while running you'd probably want to be somewhere near the front entering the last few miles.

20Pain is the purifier; walk towards suffering. For anyone targeting a very fast time, such as the London Olympic qualifier of 2:15:00, the last six miles are what count, because there's no slowing down now.

21There is no way around The Wall, only through The Wall. Yes, the infamous Wall usually appears around 21 miles, and it's going to hurt, whether you're from Kenya or Kerry.

22A good decision is made with the head and not the heart. At some point in every marathon the adrenaline starts to take over, but don't let it spoil things either, and remember what happened to Dorando Pietri.

23Time wounds all heels. I can only interpret this to mean that even those burning blisters on the feet shouldn't stop you now.

24Death is not the worst thing that can happen. True, the final miles of a marathon have sometimes been compared to a near-death experience, or worse.

25Courage is persistence in disguise. Actually it's going to take courage AND persistence to get you through the last mile.

26All in all, nothing human is worth taking very seriously, nevertheless . . . Actually, I believe it was Plato himself who stole that line.

26.2Nenikikamen! Rejoice! We have conquered! These are the legendary words that Pheidippides uttered on his arrival back in Athens in 490 BC, and which also happened to be his last, as he collapsed and died on the spot. Don't let that put you off. Bona Fortuna!