"Slapper Vieira Sent Off Again."

Curious headline on the Sun's football website following young Patrick's dismissal against Sunderland.

"I no longer drink. At most I will have a glass of wine . . . I want to play until I am 38 and I think Everton can win the title."

He may be off the booze but Paul Gascoigne is clearly taking some other form of mind-warping substance.

"The most reviled couple since Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun."

Daily Mirror columnist Brian Reade's description of . . . Posh Spice and David Beckham. Get a life, Brian.

"Tottenham will win the Premiership, or at least get in the Champions League."

Spurs' new signing Sergei Rebrov displays a wicked sense of humour.