Quinn takes Hectoring well as Kylie Rules at Croke Park

TV View: We can dream, of course, but it's probably unlikely to happen: Tiger Woods or Jose Mourinho or Michael Schumacher allowing Hector Ó hEochagáin to stalk them for a couple of days, the end product turned into an episode of Hanging With Hector.

"Is this what you're reduced to, golf?" the Navan man asked Niall Quinn when they bumped into each other at the Heritage Golf Club. Quinn tried to reassure him that he was still kicking the odd ball.

"I played in a charity match," he said, "but I missed a penalty."

"What's new?" sighed Hector.

Maybe Tiger, Jose and Michael would surprise us, maybe they'd take it well, but you'd hazard a guess they haven't come across too many Hectors in their lifetime. Quinn probably has, so he was up for it.

"We got three penalties, I scored the three of them," he said, recalling his second game for Eadestown in the Kildare Junior Football League last year. "I shook hands with the fella who was marking me and he said: 'You f****r, you wouldn't take one against Spain'."

Quinn was even game enough to take Hector to his new home in Kildare, still under construction, an abode that makes Áras an Uachtaráin seem a little compact.

"Are you sure you have enough space?" asked Hector.

"Ah, it's not as big as it looks," said Quinn, who will have to set off on a Monday morning if he wants to get from the kitchen to the bathroom by the Thursday afternoon.

These days Quinn fills some of his retirement time working for Sky Sports. Any bloopers so far?

"Yeah," he said. "A Fulham player got booked . . . I meant to say 'he's gesticulating at the referee', but it came out as 'he's gestating at the referee'."

Television, of course, is where most non-playing, non-managing football people end up these days. Like Quinn's former boss George Graham. He appears this weather on Sky's pay-per-view channel, which on Saturday was showing Birmingham City v Manchester United.

At half-time, a man by the name of Mr Woo entertained the crowd with a football-trickery act, at one point running half the length of the pitch with the ball balanced on his head before nodding it into the net. Alex Ferguson promptly submitted a £38.5-million bid.

"How would you stop Mr Woo?" the impressed presenter asked George.

"Well, you'd have to kick him in the head," he replied.

"Right," gulped the presenter, "we'll take a break."

The game finished 0-0, United's failure in front of goal not helped by their limited attacking options. That's if you don't count Ruud van Nistelrooy, Louis Saha, Cristiano Ronaldo and Alan Smith. And subs Paul Scholes and Wayne Rooney, Rooney's arrival on the pitch greeted by a chorus of "you couldn't score in a brothel" from the Birmingham fans.

All a bit of a contrast to RTÉ 2's live game on Saturday, Arsenal v Aston Villa, in which Arsenal played with 12 in midfield and 23 up front. Well, that's how it felt for the Villa defence.

"Different planet, Arsenal," said Johnny Giles at half-time, to which some replied, "We wish." Jupiter, for example.

"There's nothing complicated about them: get it, give it, go, go, go," he said.

"And it looks like Villa are gone, gone, gone," chuckled Bill O'Herlihy.

Over on the BBC, Garth Crooks was a member of the panel that was watching the day's games on little lap-tops, although whichever one of Gavin Peacock, Lee Dixon and Efan Ekoku had been charged with keeping an eye on West Brom v Norwich, we confidently allege, had probably opted to start up Solitaire.

"Oh!" screeched Crooks.

"What?" said Ray Stubbs.

"Oh, oh, oh!"

"What?"

"I don't believe it," said Crooks.

"WHAT?" howled Stubbs, again.

Stubbsie really should have pointed out to Crooksie that we, the viewers, can't see what he's seeing on his little lap-top so when he says, "Oh, oh, oh - I don't believe it!" he really needs to inform us of what exactly he doesn't believe.

It was 10-man Liverpool going 4-2 up against Fulham, their margin of victory somewhat tighter than Ireland's 36-point hammering of Australia in Croke Park yesterday.

"Australia would be better off with Kylie Minogue because she'd make a better effort at kicking the ball," concluded a bored Colm O'Rourke.

"Well," said Michael Lyster, "if they did play Kylie Minogue next week it'd keep us enthralled for the four quarters."

"I should be so lucky," O'Rourke very probably thought to himself.