Christmas crackers (I): "There's only one club in Europe that you can leave Manchester United for - Real Madrid or Barcelona." - John Aldridge

"There could be fatalities - or, even worse, injuries."

- Phil Neal, looking forward to England's trip to Turkey

"I've always been a childhood Liverpool fan, even when I was a kid."

- Harry Kewell

"The trouble with football these days is that there are too many Madonnas in the game."

- A caller to BBC Radio Five

"Maine Road was a great football stadium, but as time moved on it stayed where it is."

- Kevin Keegan

The commentators

"Paul Scholes with four players in front of him - five if you count Gary Neville."

- Darragh Moloney

"The ageless Teddy Sheringham, 37 now."

- Tony Gubba

"Phil Neville, today he's at full back, in the last game he took over the Butt holding role."

- BBC Radio Five commentator

"He will probably wake up after having sleepless nights thinking about that one."

- Alan Parry

"Giggs did everything there but either score or pass."

- Tom Tyrrell

No disrespect, but ... (I)

"I would rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon than have (David) O'Leary back as manager."

- Simon Jose, of the Leeds United Independent Fans' Association

"We've had everyone (apply for the Spurs job) - managers, agents, mothers, fathers, dustmen, cleaners. To be fair, none of the above would probably do much worse than Glenn Hoddle."

- David Pleat

"You've got both ends of the spectrum at Newcastle. On the one hand there's Alan Shearer, who is rightly regarded as an ambassador for the game, on the other hand you have Craig Bellamy."

- Dean Kiely

"The Scottish Football Association are nothing but a bunch of perpendicular ponces . . . they are like a fly around a cow's backside."

- Dundee director Giovanni Di Stefano

"Why do people keep signing Nick Barmby?"

- Jimmy Greaves

We know what you meant, but ...

"I've achieved nothing, I've won nothing, and that's why I am here."

- Harry Kewell, on why he joined Liverpool

"I bet you two would have loved to play with him, what with those balls."

- Ray Wilkins (praising David Beckham's crossing ability, and leaving Joe Royle and Alan Shearer ashen-faced).

"There was some European punishment on Thursday for Sir Alex to take on the chin, but maybe domestic pleasure is close at hand."

- Martin Tyler

"Gary Speed has been absolutely massive for me . . . his influence on the team cannot be underestimated."

- Bobby Robson

"It's going to be difficult for me - I've never had to learn a language and now I do."

- David Beckham after his move to Madrid

Punditry pearls

"The Waterford player's shot was on target, which is an important aspect of a player's shot."

- Damien Richardson

"If you had a linesman on each side of the pitch, in both halves, you'd have nearly four."

- Robbie Earle

"A goal is going to decide this in many ways."

- David O'Leary

Rob McLean: "John Hartson is playing superbly today." Sandy Clark: "Yes Rob, there's no one better today." McLean: "So Sandy, who is your man of the match?" Clark: "Alan Thompson."

Reporter: "Briefly Graham, how would you judge the image of the game at the moment?" Graham Taylor: "Poorly."

In a muddle

"Dave has this incredible knack of pulling a couple of chickens out of the hat each season."

- Millwall manager Mark McGhee attempts to pay homage to Dave Jones of Wolves

"You takes your money, you pays your choice, sort of thing."

- Tim Flowers

"Well, Manchester Uni . . . I mean Manchester City are in action tonight. Sorry, I almost said Manchester United there - a bit of a fraudulent slip."

- Talksport's Bill Young (Dangerhere.com)

"It's slightly alarming the way Manchester United decapitated against Stuttgart."

- Mark Lawrenson, after United, em, capitulated to the Germans in October

"Venegoor just turns and lampoons it into the net."

- ESPN's Irish commentator Tommy Smyth

Christmas crackers (II)

"When the golden goal went in it was like doing 10 years in prison and then walking out and getting a smack of a bus."

- Irish manager Gerry Smith after Ireland fought back from 2-0 down to Colombia, only to lose to a golden goal at the World Youth Cup

"Luke Chadwick is proving he's a good footballer. He's not David Beckham, but then again not many players are."

- Cardiff manager Lennie Lawrence

"I want to win the league with Everton."

- Wayne Rooney has them rolling in the aisles.

"Arsenal are streets ahead of everyone in this league and Manchester United are up there with them, obviously."

- Craig Bellamy

"We'll have more football later. Meanwhile, here are the highlights from the Scottish Cup final."

- ITV's Gary Newbon

No disrespect, but ... (II)

"Hoddle's motto is: If you can't convince the players, just confuse 'em."

- Tim Sherwood

"Liverpool are my nap selection - I prefer to sleep when they're on the box."

- Stan Bowles

"If Heskey can play for England, so can I."

- As sung by Manchester City fans at Anfield

"Have you ever seen a salad, have you ****."

- Manchester United fans every time Leicester City's portly Alan Rogers was on the ball

"Shameless drunks."

- David Ginola's tribute to British women - Charming

"I wish every game was against Everton."

- Juninho's (Middlesbrough) footballing version of "I wish it could be Christmas every day".

"It was an excellent cross by Gary (Neville), I was surprised by the quality of it."

- Roy Keane

"I don't think Lee Bowyer is racist at all, I think he would stamp on anybody's head."

- Rodney Marsh

"I am not dreaming about Arsenal. You need huge qualities to go there and there are already so many great players at the club. If I have the chance to go to England, I will aim on a level below Arsenal. I like Tottenham very much."

- Lens midfielder Antoine Sibierski

"Can you please tell us - what language is he speaking?"

- Romanian television station TVR after being sent a tape of a Gordon Strachan press conference

Gaffer guff

"If we had taken our chances we would have won - at least."

- David O'Leary (Aston Villa)

"If you can get through the first round you have a good chance of getting into the next one."

- Nigel Worthington (Norwich)

"As long as no one scored, it was always going to be close."

- Arsene Wenger (Arsenal)

"We did not deserve to lose today - we weren't beaten, we lost."

- Howard Wilkinson (Sunderland)

"That's going to happen a lot, teams will be at their most dangerous against us when we have the ball."

- Dave Jones (Wolves)

Tributes

"The sending off? Well, Jason McAteer would annoy anyone."

- Roy Keane

"We can't replace Gary Speed. Where do you get an experienced player like him with a left foot and a head?"

- Bobby Robson

"When he was carried off at Leicester someone asked me if he was unconscious, but I didn't have a clue - that's what he's always like."

- Southampton manager Gordon Strachan on Claus Lundekvam

"It's an incredible rise to stardom, at 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven-Goran Eriksson

- Derek McGovern (Channel Four presenter) on Wayne Rooney's call-up to the England squad.

"Like a woman on her wedding day - nervous, out of position and hoping everything would soon be over so she could go up to the bedroom."

- Spanish newspaper Marca on Fabien Barthez's performance against Real Madrid.

Best of 2003 Part II next Monday.