Planet Football 2006-07 - Part 1

Terrace tunes: "Away in a manger, no crib for His bed, The little Lord Jesus, laid down His sweet head. The stars in the bright sky, looked down where He lay . . . HEALY! HEALY! HEALY!" - Norn Iron supporters worshipping at the feet of their saviour, David Healy.

"Mourinho, are you listening? You better keep our trophy glistening. We'll be back in May, to take it away, Walking in a Fergie wonderland."

- And come May, Manchester United did indeed take the Premiership trophy away.

"There's only one Nakamura, One Nakamura, he eats chow mein, and he votes Sinn Féin, walking in a Naka wonderland."

- Celtic fans giving their first preference to Shunsuke Nakamura.

"Cilla wants her teeth back, Cilla wants her teeth back, La, la, la, La, la, la."

- Liverpool fans welcome Ronaldinho to Anfield.

"If you sit in row Z, and the ball hits your head, that's Zamora."

- To the tune of That's Amore, Spurs fans say hi to their old boy, West Ham's Bobby Zamora.

Punditry pearls

"Nothing is surprising with David Beckham. His career's been full of surprises. When I first heard about it I was really surprised."

- Jamie Redknapp, unsurprisingly surprised by Beckham's LA Galaxy move.

"Glen Johnson is an England international in the making. Although he has already played for England."

- Tony Gale leaves his Sky Sports' team-mates befuddled.

"Reading just had a great five-man move that involved everyone."

- And Phil Thompson has the much same effect on his Sky pals.

"There's only one person who knows how he missed that, and that's Wayne Rooney, and even he doesn't know."

- Take a bow, George Graham.

Richard Keyes: "Has Emile Heskey something to prove against his former club?"

David Platt: "No, not at all, but he will want to show them they were wrong to sell him."

- Several months later and Richard is still scratching his head.

Get me out of here

"Grimsby was a really bad place to live. The town was really old and there wasn't much to do there. It was full of fishermen and it smelled of fish all the time. It was not a very nice place to be and I prefer the smell of London."

- Thomas Pinault, relieved to have left Grimsby for a more fragrant plaice: Brentford.

"The weather over here is killing me. We'll get one day of sunshine for every 30 days of rain and it is driving me to despair. My girlfriend and my mother are frightened about not seeing the sun in England."

- Julio Baptista, who lived under a dark cloud for the duration of his loan spell at Arsenal.

"I went to Tesco on Sunday and it was crazy. You go to Tesco in Middlesbrough on a Sunday and you can hear the flies buzzing. It's nice to be in a big city again."

- Fulham's Franck Queudrue, missing the late night shopping up north.

"The food is catastrophic and it's always raining. It's difficult for my wife and son. When there's no training and no match we watch a DVD under a warm blanket."

- Patrice Evra, wondering about the wisdom of moving from Monaco to Manchester.

"It is obviously not our dream to have to go to Blackburn. It's hardly the most fantastic place touristically."

- Arsene Wenger, tingling at the prospect of visiting Ewood Park.

Footballers, eh?

"I'm 28 now and they say you peak at 28 - so my best years are still ahead of me."

- Newcastle's Kieron Dyer, not quite grasping the definition of "peak".

"I am not sure exactly why the winter break started, but I'm sure it has something to do with the weather."

- Owen Hargreaves, wearing a woolly hat, thermals and ice skates, wondering why the Bundesliga shut down for 40 days.

"Well, I'm the Prince and I'm sort of slaying a dragon, which is something I've never done before. Obviously."

- David Beckham telling us about his photo shoot for Disney, in which he made his dragon-slaying debut. Obviously.

"I'm on the transfer list and I'm going to stay on there as long as I'm on it."

- No flies on Burnley's Gifton Noel-Williams.

"My dad had a massive influence on me, he gave birth to me."

- Fulham's Liam Rosenior, who was too busy playing football in his youth to attend his biology classes.

With respect

"It was the worst refereeing display I've seen in 30 years of professional football. That man takes the biscuit. . . . he should look in the mirror and decide if he's a referee or if he should be at a kindergarten party. If he was on fire I'd dial 998."

- Notts County manager Steve Thompson somewhat displeased with the display of referee Danny McDermid.

Reporter: "Do you see any of yourself in Gordon Strachan?"

Alex Ferguson: "I don't think so. I hope not."

- And this was after they kissed and made up.

Reporter: "Who would you prefer to be stuck with in a lift for two hours - Jose Mourinho or Alex Ferguson?"

Arsene Wenger: "Is there a fire exit instead?"

- Wenger spreads the love.

"I always find empty vessels make the most noise and, in Gordon's case, he is the size of an oil tanker."

- Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan on his respect for Steve McClaren's agent, Colin Gordon.

"I don't want to beat David Sullivan up - anyway, I would have to get on my knees if I wanted to land an uppercut."

- Jordan again, this time refusing to pick a fight with little David Sullivan, the Birmingham City chairman.

Baffled

"When you're dealing with someone who only has a pair of underpants on, if you take his underpants off, he has nothing left - he's naked. You're better off trying to find him a pair of trousers to complement him rather than change him."

- Arsene Wenger on . . . ?

"Politician, woman, lobster, grass. That's it! No, wait, the sex of a fish. The big sex of a sports fish, or maybe the little sex of a small fish, a stickleback. You know what I'm saying, right?"

- Eric Cantona when asked to describe himself in five words. Mon Dieu.

"We're not as good as we think we are: we need to go out there and prove that."

- And in fairness to Steve McClaren his England team did just that.

"Fourth spot is what we are aiming for - we don't want to be second best."

- Everton's Phil Neville. Even with our calculator we can't work this one out.

"Andy Johnson has been playing up front on his own with James Beattie all season."

- Alan Shearer on the impact James "Invisible Man" Beattie has made at Everton the past year.