Planet Football

Today's other stories in brief

No laughing matter for Richard

Seven days in the life of Richard Dunne: Manchester City 0, Reading 2; San Marino 1, Ireland 2 (in which he played an unfortunate part in San Marino's equaliser); Portsmouth 2, City 1. And just to top it all there was that incident at Manchester airport when he was flying back to Dublin for international duty the Sunday before last.

Queuing up with the throngs at the departure gate he was probably pleasantly surprised when a voice came over the speakers asking for "Mr Dunne" to make his way to the gate. Up he walked, through the crowds, only for the voice to specify they were looking for a "David Dunn", at which point our Richard sheepishly retreated back in to the hordes. Either the person with the microphone didn't know his Blackburn midfielders from his City centre halves, or else he was a United fan taking the Mick.

We'd guess the latter.

Joking your way through a crisis

A pal of Planet Football, who goes by the name of Justin, was watching that skirmish in San Marino last week and the evening's events prompted him to recall a famous exchange between an American reporter and John McKay, the first coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, just after they had lost yet another game.

Reporter: "What do you think about your team's execution?" McKay: "I'm all for it." As for Ireland's hopes of qualifying for Euro 2008, well, another McKay quote, after the Buccaneers had ended a 26-game losing streak, seems kind of apt: "Three or four plane crashes and we're in the play-offs."

Quotes of the week

" Madam, - It is difficult to play well against poor opposition but San Marino tried their best. - Yours, etc, Colman O'Neill."

- As spotted in Saturday's letters' page.

"I could see myself as an actor further down the line - that could be interesting. Playing the role of a comedian is more difficult, but I might be capable of doing anything."

- Cristiano Ronaldo. We'll be good and say nothing.

"As a coach you can never just coast along. You are either flying high or on a terrible low. You must learn to cope with disappointment - without losing your love of the game. Every defeat is like being jilted in love and you ask yourself, 'Will I ever be able to love again?'"

- Has Arsene Wenger been reading Mills and Boon?

"When I sign a player nationality doesn't come into it, it's all about quality. If I give you a good wine, first you taste if it's good, then you ask where it comes from."

- Has Arsene Wenger been reading Oz Clarke's Wine Buying Guide 2007?

"It is like having a blanket that is too small for the bed. You pull your feet up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out. I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But I am content because the blanket is cashmere. It is no ordinary blanket."

- Jose Mourinho is either feeling cold in bed this weather, or he thinks there's plenty of quality, if not quantity, in his Chelsea squad.

Talking goobledygook

When, last week, George Gillett and Tom Hicks referred to the club they had just bought as "Liverpool Reds" and "this franchise" the rumbling you heard was the sound of one half of the city stomping its feet in despair. Maintaining the theme, The Liverpool Echo decided to provide a guide to Liverpool's "roster" for George and Tom - we present you with a couple of extracts: Sam Hyypia: Veteran centerblocker famed for aerial rebound ability, composureability, although lacks change-up, questions over groundplay v forwards with nimbleness quotient. Radical air with headbombs from special plays ensures a conversions per season tally average of six. Hails from Finlandland, a country in Europe that is part of the 'Axis Of Pleasantness'.

Craig Bellamy: Controversial wide receiver/goal forward rated division's third most likely player to face red card takedown in grudge slams. Lightning fast in joggy work down winglines, although critics question net targeting infield. Has switched franchises several times in career amid rumors of all-star level jackassery.

PS There was a gem of a yarn retold in an article in the London Times last week which asked quite what Bill Shankly would have made of the American takeover of Liverpool. When he took the squad on an end of season tour of America in 1964 Shankly and Bob Paisley pondered having a drink in the airport bar. Paisley, who'd put his watch forward by five hours, decided against the idea because it was three in the morning New York time, to which Shankly replied: "No Yank is going to tell me what the time is." We kind of reckon, therefore, that he wouldn't have appreciated "Liverpool Reds" and "this franchise".

More quotes of the week

"I have disconnected myself from West Ham and signed a contract with Liverpool. I can consider myself a Red Devil."

- Javier Mascherano endears himself to The Kop by announcing that he's a Man United man.

"There might be an attraction abroad with the climate, but what you get at Old Trafford is a packed house of 76,000 people every week. You don't get that with the Spanish giants, only when it's a big game."

- Alex Ferguson explains why Cristiano Ronaldo wouldn't want to leave United for Barcelona . . . whose average home attendance this season is, eh, 85,452.

" I've seen many players throughout my career but I believe over the next decade Cristiano will be European football's equivalent to Jordan in the NBA. The kid has a divine talent. I have never seen a player with this level of ability."

- Ferguson's assistant Carlos Queiroz tries to dampen the ever growing frenzy surrounding young Ronaldo.

"What chances are English footballers getting at major clubs? Steve (McClaren) can only work with the tools he's given. The Liverpools and the Arsenals - what are they contributing at national level? If we're the last club to fly the flag of St George, we will. We're going to stay English."

- Steve Gibson, chairman of Middlesbrough who, on Saturday, fielded two Australians, an Argentinian, an Austrian, a Dutch man, a Nigerian and a lad from Portugal in their starting line-up.

"AVFC is unique. So will Villa Park go away and become the Dorito Bowl? That is not going to happen."

- Aston Villa chairman Randy Lerner reassures fans concerned that Villa Park is to be named after a bag of cheesy nachos.

"I do wear normal shirts in my day-to-day life but if I have to wear that shirt again, I will have no problem doing so. They are using this shirt thing to harass me."

- Brazilian manager Dunga whose lovely shirt, which he wore during last week's defeat by Portugal, got dog's abuse in the Brazilian media.