We, of course, disapprove of the smut that appeared in yesterday's Sunday Mirror about Wayne Rooney's alleged frequenting of a backstreet Liverpool brothel. It was pure filth, so, in protest, we only read it twice. The highlights:
Red light for Rooney
On one visit Rooney got it together with a 48-year-old grandmother dressed in a rubber cat suit. She goes by the name of 'The Auld Slapper'.
Rooney never attempted to hide his identity during his visits, even signing autographs in the, eh, waiting room.
Our very favourite bit: on one visit word was spread by text message by fellow customers that Rooney was on the premises. "Within minutes a crowd of 30 fans were at the gates of the brothel chanting his name." Roooooney! Roooooney! Truly, the boy's a bit special.
King of pop Kenna?
Football 365 has produced many a fine look-a-like in its time but we would suggest it is unlikely ever to beat this one - have Irish full-back Jeff Kenna and Michael Jackson been to the same nose surgeon?
Quotes of the week
"Retiring will put years on his career."
- Don Howe's take on Paul Scholes' decision to call it a day with England.
"Chelsea are a collection of purchases. If things don't work out well they will simply be exchanged in a year's time. This is an artificial situation. Once Roman Abramovich loses his interest in the game everything could evaporate into thin air once again."
- Arsenal's Jens Lehmann on his admiration for the Chelski revolution.
"If you were to offer us fourth from bottom now we'd take it."
- Kevin Campbell on Everton's determination to reach for the stars this season.
"In the last few years we've just about seen it all, but there really seems no limit to the worst that can happen."
- Corriere dello Sport on Italy's 2-0 defeat by Iceland.
"It's fantastic that Damien (Duff) played 90 minutes for his country, but it doesn't mean he's ready to play for Chelsea."
- Jose Mourinho's view on the value of a run-out against Bulgaria.
Marian's number up
Admit it, we've all done it: sent a text message to the wrong person, clicking on Paudie A in our mobile phonebooks instead of Paudie B.
That's why we're not laughing at Steaua Bucharest's Marian Aliuta. He meant to send his text, about new coach Walter Zenga, to Victor Piturca (his old coach and friend), and not to Victor Becali (Steaua's owner). "It was much better when you were here. Zenga isn't worth anything," read the message.
Victor B promptly suggested Aliuta leave the club, which he did, joining Rapid Bucharest. It proved to be an expensive mistake, though - Aliuta had to pay his own transfer fee. As his mobile phone would put it: beeping beep!
More quotes of the week
"Alex Ferguson has said that the team that possesses the best defenders and strikers will win the Premiership title. In that case, it will probably be us."
- Sad to see the lad so low in confidence, part I (Arsenal's Lehmann, again).
"If the team stays in the Premiership then a lot of that will probably be down to me."
- Sad to see the lad so low in confidence, part II (Norwich City's David Bentley).
"I think I'd have booed as well if I was sitting there watching it."
- Scotland's James McFadden after that 3-0 setback against Hungary.
"To be honest I don't even remember if I played against him in the Premier League."
- Real Madrid's Raul Bravo (who had a loan spell with Leeds), greeting Jonathan Woodgate's signing with one word: "who?"
"Mr Benitez is going to have to learn to sit down here. It is a very small coaching area at Anfield and he was standing up all the game and I couldn't see. Give him a few weeks to learn English properly but he is going to have to be told."
- Kevin Keegan, who could probably take an English lesson or two from Benitez.
"I didn't ask to come. I was in my country, doing my work and I was European champion and some English clubs came after me. I didn't go to church and say 'please take me to England'. I didn't pray to be here, somebody trusted me and asked me to come."
- Jose Mourinho, on life as the New Messiah.
Flight for unfancied
The Scottish Daily Record was, it seems, a bit unimpressed by that 3-0 defeat by Hungary on Wednesday, so much so they've bought Berti Vogts a one-way ticket back to Germany. "Record Sport is pleased to announce the departure of Lufthansa flight Nein Nein Nein to Frankfurt. So, would Herr Poodle - the manager formerly known as Der Terrier - please report for boarding immediately through gate 0-3."
It gets worse. "Why don't you just stand aside and let someone pack your bags because we can't even trust you to perform that simple function properly. Judging by your erratic team selections you'd probably put your Y-fronts in your toilet bag and stick your toothbrush God only knows where."
These 'Poolish things
Sports Soccer, a British chain of 153 shops, has in its stock 30,000 new Liverpool shirts which it was kind of hoping it might sell at some point. Problem? They all have 'Owen' printed on the back. "No one will want one now," their glum spokesman told the Liverpool Echo last week. Mind you, in the club's online shop Owen still features prominently in the banner across the top of the main page. As does Gerard Houllier. And Emile Heskey. Yoo hoo?
Palace's court jester
You'll hear no giggles from us . . . Crystal Palace's Danny Granville: "When we were renegotiating the bonus system after winning promotion we decided to build one in for Europe, just in case we end up in the UEFA Cup."
Fred's dead certainty
April 2004: "Jonathan Woodgate is not going to Arsenal or anywhere else for that matter. He will only leave St James' Park over my dead body."
August 2004: '"Which player wouldn't want to sign for Real Madrid if they come and show an interest in them? We have to wish Jonathan well and hope it goes well for him." Take a bow, Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd.
