Keegan's crackersIs it any wonder that "Planet Football" cracked open the bubbly when Kevin Keegan ended his exile from football and returned to manage Manchester City? The latest edition of Private Eye? Keegan is asked a question by a reporter about Shaun Wright-Phillips. His answer? "He's got a heart as big as his size, which isn't big - but his heart's bigger than that." Luv ya Kev, just luv ya.
Scots search for striker
Most eye-catching headline of the week? No contest: "Cheer up Berti, Helga may have a Scots son - Vogts must find World Cup wench", from the Scottish Daily Record. "My mate reckons we'll win 7-0 (Scotland against the Faroe Islands) but, as I quickly pointed out, you'd need to go back to a German hotel room in 1974 to find the last time seven Scotland players scored on the same night," wrote Tam Cowan.
"Yes, hours after the 0-0 draw with Brazil that's how many, er, members of the 1974 squad went to Peter Lorimer's room for a romp with Big Helga, a saucy German wench whose knicker elastic must have been even more stretched than the Dunfermline defence." Indeed. "Where is she now," asked Tam. "Just think, she might have a 28-year-old son who was fathered by one of the great players in that fantastic Scotland squad. In other words, someone eligible to do the business against the Faroes."
And, in light of what happened the Scots "against the Faroes", the search for Helga's son becomes ever more urgent.
Quotes of the week
"The foreign managers probably don't have the knowledge of the English players and go for the safe option of using foreigners. At Manchester United, the situation is different. We have lads such as Michael Stewart and John O'Shea coming through who are going to be great players for this club." - Does Phil Neville think that Waterford, home to John O'Shea, is a village in East Anglia?
Reporter: "Who is the player who will be chairman?" Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink: "Graeme Le Saux, because he knows how to speak."
"Do you know what I think referees think 'intent' is? Camping." - Barry Venison? Stop. Now.
"The Irish are a dirty team. They try to hit you in the back, hit you from behind, use their elbows, all that stuff, so we have to be careful." - Russian goalkeeper Ruslan Nigmatullin, unaware that Roy Keane has "retired".
"The Irish - a dirty team? No, I don't think so. Yes, they are tough, emotional and often they try to run you over, but I wouldn't call them dirty." - Nigmatullin's team-mate, Dmitry Khokhlov, aware Roy Keane has "retired".
Anne Robinson: "What means faithfulness in a relationship and is also a term used in sound reproduction?" Weakest Link contestant: Dolby. - (Yes, yes, our latest Private Eye nugget has nothing to do with football, but how could we leave it out?).
"I didn't appoint Berti Vogts. I recommended him to the executive commitee and they appointed him. And that's not me trying to get off the hook." - Scottish Football Association head honcho David Taylor protests too much.
"I believe Berti can take us to a level we have never competed at before." - Taylor again. And boy, was he right.
Headline of the week
"Utter humiliation - Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Vogts?"
The Scottish Sunday Herald, a touch distressed after that draw with the Faroe Islands.
McAteer myths
All last week Football 365 invited readers to send in their favourite Jason McAteer stories. We somehow doubt any of them were true, but we'd like to believe they were. Our favorites
(1) Some years back McAteer had a row with then Liverpool team-mate Neil Ruddock on board a plane (note: one that was in mid-air at the time). Ruddock, jesting, said to McAteer, 'right, outside now'. McAteer promptly took off his jacket and headed for the door.
(2) McAteer was having the mickey taken out of him by Robbie Fowler at Liverpool one day so Ruddock advised him to go to Fowler's locker and cut up all his clothes. This McAteer did, unaware that Ruddock had swapped McAteer's clothes with Fowler's. Snip, snip, chuckle, chuckle . . . oh dear.
Roy-related quotes of the week
"It's got to the stage where Alex has to decide very quickly whether to remove the 'arm around the shoulder' approach and wallop him." - Brian Clough suggests that Roy needs a good hiding.
"He shouldn't be elbowing my son in the head." - Thora McAteer stands up for her boy, young Jason.
"Roy Keane didn't go through the book with a fine toothbrush." - Tony Cascarino, on BBC Radio 5 Live, as quoted by Private Eye.
"People say if you curb Roy's physical approach it will take away part of his game - that's just an excuse. It's not like a painter where you can nullify his talents by taking his paintbrush away." - Brian Clough, again.
Classic Beckham
Send your complaints about this one to the Sunday People: "A few years from now David Beckham is watching his youngest son's first football match at school. Just before junior goes out on the pitch, he asks his legendary father which number he should have emblazoned on his back. Beckham replies: 'Wear four out there Romeo'."
Norwich knock back
The headline "Knockers for Knocker" grabbed our attention on the BBC's football website last week, as did the opening line of their report: "Former Norwich City hardman Tony 'Knocker' Powell is turning out for the other side." "You what," we asked? Well, it seems Norwich City invited 400 former greats to their centenary do and all concerned were a bit taken aback when they discovered former Carrow Road "hard man" Powell (55), is "living as a woman in San Francisco".
Earle the original
To be blunt about it if you haven't visited www.Dangerhere.com, you haven't lived. We're biased, of course, but the website remains our very favourite cyberspace tipple.
Their latest gem? An account of a chat between the folk on ITV's Premiership panel last week.
Ally McCoist: "You know, I think he's just clipped his own leg and gone over. In fact, he's lucky the referee doesn't book him."
Gabby Logan: "Robbie?"
Robbie Earle: "I think he's just gone down over his own leg, and tell you what, he's lucky the referee doesn't book him." Robbie? In future? Pay attention.
