Planet Football

Cantona's tackle a bit fishy:Eric Cantona, aka Dieu, was asked by a magazine reporter last week to describe himself in five words. Are you sitting comfortably? "Politician, woman, lobster, grass. That's it! No, wait, the sex of a fish. The big sex of a sports fish, or maybe the little sex of a small fish, a stickleback. You know what I'm saying, right?" Eh . . .

Rosenior a man-made wonder

"People forget he's only 20," said Fulham manager Chris Coleman last week while showering defender Liam Rosenior with praise.

Football 365, though, noted, "this wasn't entirely surprising given that Rosenior is 22."

It was, then, 22 years ago the son of former West Ham forward Leroy made his debut on earth, and an usual birth it was too, by all accounts. "My dad had a massive influence on me," said Liam last week, "he gave birth to me." Presumably Mrs Rosenior was pacing up and down outside with a cigar at the ready.

Quotes of the week

"Villa increasingly relied on the quick counter and might have tilted the game in their favour had Gareth Barry rolled the ball inside to Juan Pablo Angel rather than shoot himself."

- As spotted by Ronan Murphy in a match report in the, eh, Irish Times.

"It doesn't mean when players are left out they're not disappointed - of course they are - but you've got to show that in the right way. One or two haven't and they've been taken care of."

- Roy Keane. True enough, a couple of Sunderland players haven't been spotted for a few weeks now. You don't think . . . surely not?

"It's my seventh anniversary today, it was my birthday yesterday - it's just a great weekend for me. I better be careful with the missus, otherwise I will probably put her in the club."

- Neil Warnock. Oh Lord.

"There's only one person who knows how he missed that, and that's Wayne Rooney, and even he doesn't know."

- Truly, there is only one George Graham.

"Just look at how Tevez has struggled. Does Freddy (Adu) want to have to go to Watford on a rainy Wednesday where he'll have 6ft 4in goons on his back all night?"

- DC United technical director Dave Kasper tries to steer the wonder kid in the direction of Italy or Spain.

Merson fishes for metaphors

When England lost to Croatia back in October, Sky Sports pundit extraordinaire Paul Merson noted that "too many players looked like fish on trees".

This was, we have to say, an expression we hadn't happened upon before, so we half guessed it was just Merson getting himself in a muddle. Fast forward to Alexander Song's display for Arsenal against Fulham. "He looked like a fish up a tree," said, yep, Merson. We're beginning to wonder if he's a fish out of water barking up the wrong tree in this punditry business.

Waving good taste aside

Jordan's women's team made the headlines the other day after fielding three headscarfed-players in their international football debut, which ended in a 13-0 defeat to Japan at the Asian Games.

"Let's be realistic, it was like a child competing against a big man," said Jordan coach Issa al Turk in a nice tribute to the Japanese.

We read the match report on the official site for the games, www.doha-2006.com, and bearing in mind these are the Asian Games we were somewhat struck by the analogy the reporter used twice to describe the, eh, flood of goals: "The Japanese first-half tsunami finally receded when, in the 45th minute, the referee blew the whistle," - "(After the break) the tsunami rolled on and on." Cripes.

More quotes of the week

"In some respects I don't have any regrets. In other ways, I did blow £40 million, lost my wife, everything I had and was made to start from scratch."

- Mark Goldberg reflects fondly on his time as Crystal Palace owner.

"Andy Johnson has been playing up front on his own with James Beattie all season."

- Alan Shearer. Poor James.

"I think if we stop the other team creating chances we shouldn't concede any."

- No flies on West Brom's Curtis Davies.

"I have not got accustomed to English life. The food is catastrophic and it's always raining. It's difficult for my wife and my son. When there's no training and no match, then we watch a DVD under a warm blanket."

- Patrice Evra, warming to life in Manchester.

"One thing that did amuse me down the tunnel when all the handbags started was when Henry piped up at Teddy and kept saying 'Why are you getting involved, you're 40?'"

- West Ham goalkeeper Jimmy Walker on the recent run-in between Thierry Henry and Teddy Sheringham.

Ill wind blows Okpala no good

It's never a good thing when team-mates fall out, worse still when one beats up the other. Stuttgart Kickers, then, really had no option but to suspend Christian Okpala when he decked team-mate Sascha Benda after a bit of a to-do.

Okpala, though, is unrepentant. "Benda provoked me by constantly farting," he said. A gas man, eh?

Rafa, you'll never work it out

Howard is an old friend of Planet Football but after sending us this last week he's put a strain on our relationship:

"Just got this in. Liverpool are after the following in the January transfer window: Jason Euell (Middlesbrough) and Phil Neville (Everton) - and are also interested in trialling John Wark's son, will take him on a month's loan from Aberdeen.

"Rafael Benitez said the fans inspired him to try to recruit all three when they sang: 'Euell, Neville, Wark on loan.'

Howard? Be ashamed.