Planet Football

Misplaced confidence: We received one of those bookies' press releases on Saturday afternoon, it went something like this: "An Irish football fan has staked a cool a30k on the Republic of Ireland beating Cyprus in their Euro 2008 qualifier.

"The mystery man had the cash bet on Ireland at a branch in North Dublin." The spokesman for the company in question said: "It's the biggest football bet we've taken in a while and if anything, it's a vote of confidence for the Boys in Green!"

Sometimes there are no words.

McClaren means well

We're sure Steve McClaren meant well when he sent his congratulations to the England women's team on qualifying for the World Cup. Ready? "Everyone in the men's side is delighted and we hope they go all the way." Behave.

Quotes of the week

"I always find empty vessels make the most noise and, in Gordon's case, he is the size of an oil tanker."

- Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan sends greetings to Steve McClaren's agent Colin Gordon.

"I don't think I'll ever calm down. I'm afraid that's me. Honestly, I'll just take one massive big "woof" and I shall be gone. Heart - gone."

- Martin O'Neill offers a gloomy forecast on the consequences of his sideline antics.

"We had to bang a few heads together, which must have been the kick up the backside we needed."

- QPR's Marc Bircham, who wins our "Metaphor-Mangling of the Month" award.

"We need results against smaller clubs like Watford, Charlton and ourselves"

- Chris Coleman, hopeful that Fulham can take three points off, well, Fulham.

"It's like with the police, being at the training academy is not the same as when you are shooting real bandits."

- Manchester United assistant coach Carlos Queiroz on why it's better for Giuseppe Rossi to be on loan at Newcastle, rather than playing in the bandit-free reserves at United.

"I went to the World Cup as a punter, I didn't see any players that made me think 'I can't do that'. It might sound big-headed but I still believe that I am the best

. . . a month from today I guarantee I will be able to stand side by side with any striker in the country."

- Stan Collymore, still not struggling with self-esteem issues.

Board room battles

Birmingham chairman David Sullivan was none too impressed when his Leeds counterpart Ken Bates refused to budge from his rule that under-18s are not allowed in the Elland Road board room. Sullivan's eight-year-old son, then, was turned away. We shouldn't chortle, because we're only encouraging them, but Sullivan has responded by banning over-75s from the hospitality suite at St Andrews. Yep, as you suspected, Bates will be 76 by the time Leeds visit Birmingham in January. Boys, boys.

Rehhagel lets rip

He could do no wrong two years ago, when he led Greece to victory in the European championships, but, it seems, the Greek press is beginning to fall out of love with Otto Rehhagel.

The German let rip at a press conference last week, incensed by suggestions that he is too influenced, when it comes to selecting players, by his assistant, Yannis Topalidis.

Speaking in German, with his remarks translated in to Greek by the man sitting beside him, Rehhagel insisted that he had never, ever been influenced by Topalidis. "

"You wrote that Yannis influenced my decisions - that is not true," he said, a touch furiously. "He does not influence my decisions. In fact the only person who can influence me is my wife, no one else."

Grand, except you have to feel for Topalidis, his boss doesn't appear to have a great deal of respect for him. And you have to have even more sympathy for him in light of the fact he was the chap sitting beside Rehhagel doing the translating.

More quotes of the week

"People talk about how you make team spirit - is it golf days or going out drinking together? That doesn't count. When you drink, you just tell lies to each other anyway and talk rubbish."

- A perfectly sober Gordon Strachan.

"I love to be around people who are prepared to kick their granny if it means they're going to win, that's what I'm looking for."

- QPR manager John Gregory, who's just been added to the hit-list of Age Concern.

"Blackburn defender Ryan Nelson has revealed he has had holes drilled into a bone in his bottom to relieve a hamstring injury."

- BBC Online? Three words: Too, much, information. "Maybe they're just jealous that he's got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything. I thought his bum cheeks looked very pert. If anybody's offended by that they ought to go and see the doctor."

- Plymouth manager Ian Holloway defending Joey Barton's flashing of his pert bottom cheeks at Goodison Park. (Thank you Steve).

"Reading just had a great five-man move that involved everyone."

- Sky Sports pundit Phil Thompson on Reading's five-a-side Premiership team.

McCarthy loses out

Mick McCarthy must be wondering what British Chancellor Gordon Brown has that he doesn't.

During the summer word had it that McCarthy was trying to sign former Rangers' defender Marvin Andrews for Wolves, but having been released by Rangers Brown opted to sign for a different kind of club altogether - he was ordained at Kirkcaldy's Zion Praise International Church.

Reluctant to move away from the church where he preaches, the devout Christian turned down several offers from clubs, including Wolves, but according to his own press office Brown persuaded him to re-join third division Raith Rovers where he first played when he moved to Scotland in 1997. Brown, a Raith Rovers devotee himself, is said to have persuaded local businessmen to pay the Trinidad and Tobago international's wages. He might be a Christian, but he's not a charity.

"My main decision was what God told me," Andrews explained. "I am back here because God wants me here. It is simple. This is the place God wants me to be. Many clubs came in for me but God never said anything to me."

In short, Mick needed divine intervention for Marvin to agree to join Wolves, but none was forthcoming.