Old lady reveals all for ITV's auld rascal

WHEN they made Jim Beglin and Eamon Dunphy they used two entirely different moulds. They smashed Eamo's into smithereens once they saw what it had created, but Jim's has been in regular use since he made his debut in a Waterford hospital all those years ago.

The thing about Jim is you just can't dislike him, even if you really want to. He's all happy and smiley and chirpy. It's just that he says he'll be disappointed with that' a lot. An awful lot. He probably said it when Manchester United's Butty Nick decided to wait until Del Piero got in to the box before tripping him up on Wednesday, resulting in Juventus match winning penalty. We can't be entirely sure if Jim began discussing Bully's disappointment because by then we had moved over to watch ITV's coverage.

We expected to find Brian Moore behind the microphone but what greeted us sounded a whole lot more like the commentator extraordinaire himself, the one, the absolutely only Sid Waddell. "They call Juventus the old lady of Italian football well, tonight she's hitched up her skirt and displayed all her finery," said the auld rascal.

Except it wasn't Sid, it was, in point of fact, Mooro. The only conclusion that can be drawn here is that someone spiked his Horlicks before he settled down to commentate on the night's action. In his 87 years in the job Mooro has NEVER come up with a remark of such a risque nature. Well, if he did he didn't mean to. Mooro is safe, always has been, none of this Sky Sports nonsense where they actually get excited about the footie they're watching. There was certainly never any hitching up of skirts and the displaying of finery at all, at all before last Wednesday night. The world's gone stark raving mad.

Bob Wilson didn't need any illegal substances to make him a happy camper on Wednesday because at half time he announced that ITV had secured their Champions League coverage (and he had secured his job) for another 63 years, (well, it will seem that long by the time they finish).

What almost dampened happy Bob's happiness at the end of the night was the prospect of United failing to reach the quarter-finals of the competition that ITV have EXCLUSIVE rights to. Not that it means no one will watch any more if Fergie's boys are forced to concentrate on the Coca-Cola Cup for the remainder of the season. It's just that their involvement in the competition stirs the passions a little, one way or the other - remember half the English (and Irish) population sleep under Eric Cantona duvets and the other half are still wearing Barcelona shirts to commemorate that 4-0 defeat for United half a century ago.

So Bob has become a United fan. "It's certainly not over yet for Manchester United or indeed for the Old Trafford faithful," he said after they had lost to Juventus. Over on the BBC's Sportsnight Des Lynam was putting a slightly different spin on it all. "If Rapid Vienna beat United( it's all over for United . . . AND ITV, HO, HO, HO, WHO SPENT THEIR ENTIRE SPORTING BUDGET ON ACQUIRING THE RIGHTS TO CHAMPIONS LEAGUE COVERAGE WHICH ONLY THREE PEOPLE WILL WATCH IF UNITED GET KNOCKED OUT." Well, no, he, didn't say the last bit but you knew it was what he was thinking.

Meanwhile on Network Two, Eamo was back at the old staring-at-the-ceiling-and-pursing-his-lips routine which was a sure sign that the brief I-can-be-nice-to-people-if-I-try-really-hard spell had come to an end. And a spooky spell it was too as Eamo said nice things about Jack Charlton and even Mick McCarthy, although he did draw the line at calling Alan Kernaghan the Franz Beckenbauer of the 90s.

But the nice spell is over now, Eamo's back on form. "I was reading a very interesting article in The Title by Brian Glanville, he said the time had come for Ferguson to go - Eamon would you go along with that," asked Bill O'Herlihy. "What's The Title Bill," asked Eamo, before staring at the ceiling.

"I'm not interested in Brian Glanville, he's just a journalist," said the, eh, journalist. "And I'm not interested in that funny newspaper he writes for either. You shouldn't be reading so many newspapers Bill, you should be selective. These kind of things get in and poison the atmosphere of debate and diminish it," he said, before pursing his lips.

Tony Ward may have ended up with a split lip on Saturday afternoon if he had congratulated Keith Wood on Ireland's `moral victory' against Australia at Lansdowne Road. Tony used the dreaded phrase, that has been the curse of Irish sports people down the generations, towards the end of the match but afterwards Wood seemed in the mood for an immoral win, any win (except a moral victory).

"We tried hard, we played hard, but to be honest that's not good enough for us anymore, we have to win. We're not going to lie down ever again ... we re not here to make up the numbers," said the Irish captain to Jim Sherwin. Back in the studio his comments were enough to earn him Jim Glennon's man-of-the-match award. "Most valuable player? Keith Wood for his after match interview - I'm totally refreshed by that, that's a great step forward," said Glennon.

Molly Malone was well chuffed, with Woody and the boys on Saturday too, moral victory or not, as she returned from her long exile from Lansdowne Road and could be heard wafting around the stadium once more. There are, however, more than a few gentlemen who would like to see women's participation in the sport restricted to Molly's tuneful involvement.

By common consent there has never been any room for big girls' blouses in the sport of rugby but much to the consternation of one gentleman in particular the Harlequins' dressing room in London is now full of them every second Sunday afternoon, when the club's new women's team play their matches.

On Channel Four's Women at Play on Thursday we saw Camilla Fry, the team's vice-captain, handing out leaflets at Waterloo Station to promote the club's Ladies' Day. "You're not going to play rugby are you," asked a gobsmacked-Scottish gent.

"My God, women playing rugby, it's disgraceful - you'll be wanting to father children next." "No, we're quite happy mothering them thanks," said Camilla. "Well you should STAY mothering children, stay behind the kitchen sink and get on with your work and leave rugby for men to play - SHOWER OF PERVERTS," he shrieked emotionally as he limped off down the platform.

The Harlequins president wasn't overly chuffed with the idea of women's rugby either. "Men don't really want their ladies turning up at home with black eyes, broken noses and cauliflower ears - they really like them to look a bit more ladylike than that," said the 123-year-old cauliflower. Just as well the poor man didn't see the women's team present their Boobs of the Year award at their end-of-season reception... he would have needed a few electric shocks to get his heart going again. It's just not rugby.