McCarthy's men abroad

PLANET FOOTBALL: Memorable old week for Colin Healy and Richard Sadlier at club level. Healy, on loan from Celtic, did his bit to help Coventry to two league wins

The second a whopper of a 6-1 win away to Crewe, lifting them into the play-off places in Division One, and Sadlier made Millwall's opening goal in their 2-1 win at Nottingham Forest, which put them third in the table. Very nice. And that's not even mentioning the fact both were called up to the Irish senior squad for the first time.

Happy days, too, for Niall Quinn (right), who got a moderately precious winner for Sunderland away to Derby to mark his 200th appearance for the club and Port Vale's Michael Cummins who got the only goal, and the man-of-the-match award, against Stoke yesterday. Cummins' feat should guarantee he'll never have to pay for his own drinks again, such is Port Vale fans' "fondness" for their less-than-beloved neighbours.

Hooked on Merseyside

YOU know the way some fans oft chant "You only sing when you're robbing" in the direction of Liverpool supporters? Unkind? Yes, very. But Liverpool's John Arne Riise might be tempted to join in next time. Riise was sitting at home last week watching television when, the police deduced, a local scally shoved a fishing rod through his letterbox, hooked his car keys from the hall table and made off in his BMW X5. This tale, of course, has been greeted with considerable glee by non-Liverpool fans, who, we suspect, will sing with renewed gusto: "You are a Scouser, an ugly Scouser, you're only happy, on Giro day, your mum's out thieving, your dad's drug-dealing, so please don't take, my hubcaps away" (to the tune of You Are My Sunshine).

Quotes of the week

"If you count your chickens before they've hatched, they won't lay an egg." - Bobby Robson (right) refuses to contemplate Newcastle winning the league (spotted by Shane Breslin in the London Independent).

"I've used this phrase a few times: Derby are like a man with diahorrea who can't get their trousers down." - Rodney Marsh.

"I have a reputation for a style of play. Get it, give it and find a new position. That's why I have been married 37 years." - Urgh. Graham Taylor in an interview with the London Times (Football 365).

"You know about wives, they always make the important decisions." - David Beckham on news that Cathy Ferguson persuaded Alex to postpone his retirement. Touche young man, touche!

Cannon fodder

IN AN effort to demonstrate just how much he loves Arsenal Mark Brewer spent £50 having the club's cannon crest tattooed on his left arm, in a painful procedure that lasted two hours. You know what's coming next - a week later Arsenal announced they were changing the design of their crest. Now? The cannon points in the opposite direction (Question: how much exactly did Arsenal pay the genius who came up with this new design?) and Mark told the Sun he was gutted. "Every time I try to show my support something goes wrong," he said, explaining that his children were named James Paul Merson, Matt Ian Wright and Holly Emmanuel Petit, shortly before all three players left the club. Our sympathy isn't with Mark, it's very definitely with the unfortunate Holly.

Admirable behaviour

WITH things not the best, economically speaking, in Argentina these days, football clubs are having to save whatever few bob they can. Second division Almirante Brown (the club was named after Admiral William Brown, the Irishman who founded the Argentine Navy) have proved themselves to be the most imaginative when it comes to cutting costs. For the three-days-a-week that the players have two training sessions the club used to book "overnight" rooms in an expensive hotel so the lads could have their little siesta. Now? They are being sent to a hotel which specialises in hiring its rooms out to couples by the hour. The Golondrina Hotel rooms even come complete with mirrors on the ceiling. Oh yes. "Our players are clean living and make no noise," said director Fernando Zamacola, "if only all the clients at the hotel were like them." Indeed.

Songs of the week

"One Mrs Fergie, there's only one Mrs Fergie." - Manchester United fans extend their thanks to the person responsible for himself staying in the job.

"We've got Ruud, we've got Ole too, but I can't help, Forlan in love with you." - And the same fans, evidently, can't help Forlan in love with new man Diego.

Duff notes

Spotted on a Blackburn Rovers' website last week were suggestions from supporters for a new song for their darling Damien Duff (right). Most of them simply substituted the word "love" for 'Duff' - e.g. (1) "In the name of Duff, one more in the name of Duff, in the name of Du-u-uff, one more in the name of Duff" (to the tune of Pride by U2); (2) "All you need is Duff"; (3) "It must be Duff, Duff, Duff" - but some were a little more inventive. Our favourites? (1) "A glimmer of Duff is just enough to give the fans a treat, a glimmer of Duff is just enough to bring us to our feet, he's loved by Graeme Souness, he's very small and neat, a glimmer of Duff is just enough to give the fans a treat" (A Finger of Fudge') and ( 2) "Then I saw Duff's pace, now I'm a believer, not a trace of doubt in my mind, I'm in love, oooh, I'm a believer in the best winger in the land" (I'm a Believer). Over to you, Lansdowne.

More quotes of the week

"So, Roy Keane's on 50 grand a week? Mind you, I was on 50 grand a week until the police found my printing machine." - Ex-footballer Mickey Thomas, as quoted by the Observer, who spent time in jail for his part in a counterfeit currency scam.

"He has lost eight pounds already and if you know Kanu, well, after losing that amount of weight you could send a paper plane to get him home." - Arsene Wenger (right) asking his skinny Nigerian striker to come back from the African Nations Cup a.s.a.p.

Els butt of joke

Planet Football's very own China correspondent, John Murray, got in touch with us last week to tell us of a story he spotted in the China Daily, one that went under the headline "No Peeing Around". Apparently the Chinese Football Association has ordered its players to abstain from urinating on the pitch during training because it is disrespectful to watching media people and fans. Quite right too, but then John added this peach: "I know your column doesn't extend to golf, but the following caption appeared in the self same China Daily - "Ernie Els of South Africa is greeted by his daughter Samantha, 2, after Els sank his butt in the 18th hole to win the Heineken Classic Golf Tournament yesterday". Love it.