McBride caught with pants up

Planet Football: The latest in our series of 'what was he thinking of when he posed for this photo?' - this time it's Fulham's USA international Brian McBride, whom we spotted in the archives of the New York Times.

Apparently, his pants are by Prada and can be bought in Barneys in New York for $390. We just pray he doesn't turn up for training in them.

Quotes of the week

"I'm 28 now and they say you peak at 28 - so my best years are still ahead of me."

- Newcastle's Kieron Dyer, not quite grasping the definition of "peak".

"We need to score more goals from midfield. I told the players Frank Lampard has got 17 this season but they weren't impressed. They just said, 'Perhaps that's why he's on 150-odd grand a week'."

- Well, Harry Redknapp's Portsmouth players have a point.

"It's possible to have a good conversation with Nicolas - if you ask the questions."

- Sam Allardyce on his one-way chats with Monsieur Anelka.

"When Chelsea came to us, their fans were singing, 'There's only one Gordon Ramsay'. So the Norwich supporters were singing, 'We've got a super cook, you've got a Russian crook'. I think it's quite humorous."

- Mercifully, Delia Smith didn't hear the other Chelsea chant ("We've got Abramovich, you've got a drunken b***h").

"Reports that I'd move to Tottenham are wide of the mark. If I had to leave Real, I'd choose to join another big club."

- Real Madrid's Robinho sort of suggests Spurs are minnows.

"There was a moment when he was complaining that I elbowed him in the head. I said, 'Look at where your head is. I can't help it if you're so short you only come up to my elbow'. He just looked at me and smiled and said, 'You've got a point there'."

- Newcastle's Oguchi Onyewu after a brush with little Craig Bellamy.

"I do not think about the national team too much because footballistically it is not of too much interest."

- Arsène Wenger? Footballistically? Eh?

Mascherano's tale of woe

We were aware that Javier Mascherano didn't have the happiest of times at West Ham; we just didn't realise how unhappy. Writing in a recent match programme goalkeeper Jimmy Walker recounted one of Javier's bleaker days at the club.

"His interpreter Ciaran had forgotten to tell him the team had the day off. Javier drove to the training ground but broke down as he had run out of petrol, so he walked to the nearest petrol station but realised he had no money.

"He had to ring Ciaran and ask him to speak to the petrol-station manager, but they were not having any of it and just said, 'If he does not have any money he is not getting any petrol'. He had to walk to the training ground to borrow some money off Anton (Ferdinand), who was in for treatment, and also discovered the team were not in.

"He walked back, filled the petrol can up, walked to his car, put the petrol in and set off back home. Then half a mile up the road a taxi crashed into the back of him."

Poor lad.

More quotes of the week

"Bolton at the moment can compete with the top teams because they can find good players in Israel, Afghanistan - maybe that's not a good example, I mean Uzbekistan."

- Arsène Wenger gets carried away while talking about Bolton's worldwide scouting system. There are some places even they won't go.

"We know, on our day, there isn't a better team in Europe than Liverpool."

- Jermaine Pennant? It's the way he tells them.

"For me, Bolton are like Manchester City, a club that reach the top of the table."

- Nicolas Anelka? It's the way he tells them.

"It is quite weird because we are not in the top half of the table, we have only won two out of our past 15 matches and yet the fans seem happy."

- Gavin McCann bewildered by the Aston Villa fans' contentment - they don't mind if they're relegated, so long as Martin O'Neill's at the helm.

"Edinburgh is an amazing city. I'm so impressed with the genius of those who created it. It fascinates and captivates you immediately . . . and now I see how everything that people were gathering for centuries - a culture, all Walter Scott's heritage - is being ruled and destroyed by monkeys from the safari park."

- Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov. After that we're lost.

"I haven't listened to any phone-ins recently. Ninety per cent of fans won't slag me off because they love me too much - and that is a burden."

- Martin Jol, feeling the lurve at White Hart Lane.

"I really like Beckham - but not his wife. People like her are the death of football. Beckham is a product of such people. It's a shame he has to go to Hollywood now because of that. He is actually a gifted footballer."

- Bayern Munich general manager Uli Hoeness, obviously more a Ginger than a Posh Spice man.

Child is father of Ronaldo

He's the favourite to win the Footballer of the Year award in England but despite his sparkling form this fella still has his detractors, many of whom allege that he's not averse to the odd dive here and there.

Well, looking at this photo of him from when he was a kid how could you doubt him? The boy's an angel.

Hint: No, it's not Paul Scholes, it's his twinkle-toed team-mate from Portugal.

Jordan lands a low blow

The feud between Crystal Palace owner Simon Jordan and his counterparts at Birmingham City, David Sullivan and David Gold, shows no sign of abating.

It began, of course, back in 2001 when Steve Bruce left Palace for Birmingham, and has been sizzling ever since.

Sullivan has been having a go at Birmingham fans recently for not turning up in more numbers for home games.

"He keeps saying this," said Jordan. "I think he just wants to be loved. My theory is that he wasn't breast fed as a child and he needs some love. But who would want the love of Birmingham fans anyway?"

Sullivan was, though, the victor on Saturday when Birmingham beat Palace in the league, although Jordan remains confident it is he who would prevail should the two ever come directly to blows.

"I don't want to beat David Sullivan up - anyway, I would have to get on my knees if I wanted to land an uppercut," he said.

Boys, boys, enough.