Irish eyes aren't smiling, that's a look of confusion

TV View: According to Reuters, before last week's American election Canada's immigration website had an average 20,000 visits a day from US citizens; the day after the election the number increased to 115,016.

Their explanation for the jump was that "disconsolate Democrats had decided to start a new life in Canada".

While waiting for their applications for refugee status to be processed, many of them probably turned to sport yesterday to take their minds off things. And what better than the New York marathon? A nice distraction. A welcome escape from the harsh realities of life and stuff.

Blustery conditions, the NBC commentator noted. "The wind is a John Kerry wind," he chuckled, "you just can't work out the direction".

"Jesus wept," all 115,016 Democrats probably said, while chucking their remote controls at their tellies. It's at times like this you need a tremendously powerful satellite dish to transport you to a land where real life and stuff fears to tread.

Like the Halliwell Jones Stadium in Warrington. The occasion? The Rugby League European Nations Cup final between England and Ireland.

Hands up, some of us weren't acutely aware of the Rugby League European Nations Cup before yesterday's game.

We certainly didn't know that Russia played rugby league - although, after their 98-4 defeat to England in the early stages of the competition, it's debatable that they do.

We soon gathered, courtesy of presenters Eddie Hemmings and Mike 'Stevo' Stephenson, that there was as much chance of Ireland beating England as there is of George Bush being best man at the wedding of, say, Buck and Chuck in downtown San Francisco.

"What would be a good result for Ireland," Eddie asked his guest Brian Carney, the Irishman who plays rugby league for GB. "A defeat by 20 points?"

An outraged Carney gasped. "No," he said, affronted by the insult to the land of his birth, "15 to 20 points".

That put Eddie in his place.

Out on the pitch, Max the Wolfhound, Ireland's mascot, was languidly strolling about. No competitive spirit, though, once the game started he disappeared.

"Get out there son and give your nation a hand," said Brock, the Jack Russell who starred for Ireland in Croke Park a couple of weeks back, watching back in Ballyfermot.

Time for the anthems. Jesus wept, again: Ireland's Call. Enough. Stop the suffering. Delete the tape. The musical offerings did, though, improve when Ireland scored a try in the second half: The Undertones' Here Comes the Summer.

Very lovely. But, why? It was November 7th, summer's hardly imminent? What harm.

Anyway, before then, England had led 24-0 after 24 minutes. Max the Wolfhound yawned, Brock the Jack Russell went on standby at Dublin airport.

His country needed him. He was ready to answer the call. Ireland's Call.

He never made it, though, it finished 12-36. "England might have won the trophy, but Ireland have won a lot of people's hearts here," said Eddie, "Irish eyes are smiling".

Waiter? A bucket please.

The highlight of the 'sporting' telly week, though, for this couch at least, came on Channel 4's news, which was 99.99 per cent given over to the American election. The remaining 00.01 per cent was devoted to the latest developments in the Waterford Crystal saga.

Now, we might be none the wiser about what the flippin' heck's going on here, but Channel 4 was even more open-jawed about it all, sporting a gobsmacked 'you couldn't make it up' expression.

At the end of the report, they handed back to Jon Snow in Washington and, honest to God, if Ralph Nader had romped home on Tuesday,he wouldn't have lookedany more bewildered. He smiled a smile that said: "Good golly".

And speaking of bewildering: the Manchester derby. The first game in history where one of the players was smaller and slighter in stature than the seven-year- old mascots leading out the teams. Hello Willo Flood.

Indeed, so intent was Roy Keane on welcoming the Cherry Orchard dynamo to Old Trafford he got booked for clattering him in the 22nd minute.

Nice to meet you too, Roy.

Full-time, 0-0. "Not many teams come here and get anything," said Kevin Keegan, which just shows how out of touch he is with recent happenings at Old Trafford.

Alex Ferguson was unavailable for interview, possibly busy conducting negotiations on buying a more clinical striker than he's already got. Who? Dunno. But we'd guess Diego Forlan's in the running.